To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

On average lets say he earns £1000 a month. Minus the £250 that covers all his expenses, so that's rent, food, paying his mobile bill, buying him basic clothes.
Minus £250 for his car, food at work, cost of playstation membership and other subscriptions.

That leaves £500 a month and god knows what he does with it, he probably spends a decent chunk and saves the rest. Obviously if he earns more, he has more money to play around with and save

@vaki
Honestly, I think he just grew up a bit, saw the opportunities (and the extra income) and fell into it a bit. I won’t lie, he’s had it hard over the years and there was a point before he moved to HO when he thought about leaving, he would have been 27/28 and had a young child as well, they do put a lot of pressure on their managers at that level. He did work in a massive store though, so more opportunities than the smaller local ones though there is scope for movement into positions in other stores. Same company btw.

Also I don’t know if it’s the same now but they used to have great share buying options for staff, he made a good chunk of savings that way.

I think i knew i would get a pasting, but it's better to get ripped to shreds here then rip my sons love for me up.

Mumsnet in a nutshell

He’s 19! Yes you’re being unreasonable. For goodness sake! Give him a chance.

You're right; he needs a nudge to make him realise that his earnings won't fund his current comfortable lifestyle; much better to learn that lesson now than when he's 30.

You're paying his mobile bill and buying his clothes???? And he has £500 a month to spend as he pleases?
Oh, he will come down to earth with a thump one day! Do you have that kind of pocket money to spend on yourself?

Your making this about you not him. So he coasts for a few years he is only young perhaps he is tired of studying and needs a break.

Why put him under pressure to fit into your expectations? If he is paying his way and managing himself what difference will it make. You Maybe forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do his metal health may suffer. He is happy and could end up progressing at the supermarket and be earning good money in years to come.

@katy1213 , yes they're included in the £250 he gives to us each month. We use that money and it covers all his expenses.

We use £80 of the money he gives us to cover a full weeks food shop for the whole family, so he buys a weeks worth of food. £20 is for his phone bill. We then buy him any basic level clothes he needs, so if he needs some new socks for work, we'll buy him them from the money, but if he wants a fancier brand he will buy them. We then put the rest into a family savings account so he then contributes to big purchases we need for the family

@Holidaycountdown , yes i bet they do put a lot of pressure on mamagers but i guess if you fall into the right role with the right team it can be ok. And like you say he has moved to head office, but being a manager will have opened him up to moving to other supermarkets, other retail positions in store, other head offices, consulting etc.

I may come at it from the money side if we ever do sit down and chat about it, that he has a good deal of spare money now, but when he starts to support himself more, this will disappear, so to have the same standard of living, he will need to boost his wage

There’s nothing wrong with a career in retail! Please don’t undermine him by pointing out how much better he could be doing if he was at uni, it’s not even true in all cases. By all means encourage him to look at developing his skills and interests but do it positively.

I've not read the full thread but I am sure he could progress within the sector he's working in. There are quite a few managers in retail who started out as Saturday boys/girls. They often make the best managers because they actually understand what it's like to work on the shop floor and aren't stuck in an HQ ivory tower.

He's in a job, paying his way (more or less) and is only 19. He's fine. Either he'll get bored and move on, or he'll make a real go of where he is. Do Tescos offer degree apprenticeships? He could look at one of those if so.

This is very contrary. In one breath you are saying that he should be thrown out of the family home because as yest he has no great career aspirations and in the other breath you are buying your 19 year old sons socks and paying his mobile phone bill.

OP, surely he should pay you keep and be responsible for his own bills and socks?

He’s NINETEEN not twenty five! You’re not going to help him figure out what he wants from life, people do these things at their own pace. It’s not like he’s a lazy rude teenager who sits around on his arse all day.. he contributes to the bills what more do you want? If that’s the problem ask him to pay more.

On the basis it wasn't until I early/mid 20s before I knew what I wanted to YABU. My own situation was that I left school at 16, tried a college and didn't get on with it, so quit that - but at least stayed in 6th form to get a few extra qualifications. I am not academic at all. My first job (ignoring my Saturday job) was working in an office in administration (YTS). When I finished that I worked in the City - administration. It wasn't until I left that job and started working in a charity that I felt like I knew what I wanted to do. Then I signed up for OU to study social change.

My point is that I got there eventually, yes I took a roundabout way of getting there. My brother after completing Uni worked for a well-known supermarket as his trained field was hard to get into. He worked there for years until his kids came along - now he is a teacher.

My Mum did push me (encourage is a better word) but knew I was different from my brother and academia wasn't my way. Encourage him if you must to try different jobs - especially ones where training is offered.

Not being funny but don't think I ever had a profession in mind as such - but a good job where you are getting on albeit in a supermarket is good - its his choice he is an adult.

A good friend of my Mums used to bemoan this about her Son similar job in SM and apparently coasting along but 8 yrs down the line he manager of one of the big supermarkets has a great rapport with staff and customers and is still working his way gently through the system with a good wl balance and also a vol fireman which they are happy to release him for as required.

Maybe stop focussing on the brag jobs

Get him to put aside some money for 'the next step.' Encourage him to go travelling see the world and fire his imagination with what is out there. Then get him to look at an apprenticeships in something interesting.

I do understand where you are coming from OP, you sound like me, I overthink everything and come up with the worst case scenario in my head. Hes young yet, encourage him but dont write him off yet, hes still young. Good luck to you both.

Please, please don't push him in the direction you want it has to be what he wants. Please don't compare him to others - perhaps he has a plan (without uni debt!!) worked out, perhaps he doesn't. He's only 19, he's got a job, he's working a lot, he's earning and paying his way. I have boys, upper teens. One has been to a lot of counselling, he considered doing awful things to himself only a year ago. Just be there, support and listen and be proud he has a job and is working hard!

Vaki

If he gives you £250 per month and in that you are buying a weeks shopping for the whole of the family and he is paying towards big family purchases etc would you manage without his input.

If you can, then might I suggest he gives you say £350 to cover his mobile (I understand that he probably wouldn’t have been able to get a contract because of his age and lack of credit history), a food shop, and say £25 set aside for clothing etc and put the rest into a savings account or Ernie bonds for him each month.

That way when he does actually think he might go to uni or wants a place of his own or decides to go travelling or wants to buy a place he has a bit of cash to ease the transition

My Ds is a good year younger and is all over the place.

He doesn’t actually earn very much and is trying out different things, including stuff that makes working a job in a supermarket the ultimate in grown up responsibility. He did have a career path but now can’t pursue it as he doesn’t have a GCSE in English and is so dyslexic and also has dysgraphia he will never pass it.
I don’t think much will change in a year and to think of him fending for himself is quite frightening.
He will get there eventually but it takes time.

Some young people when they turn 18 are grown ups (I was working, living with Dp, got a mortgage for out first house, was in charge of renovating it then moved to London, got a flat, got a job)

Some are at university and some are playing xbox in their bedroom.

Everyone is different and mature at a different rate.

People might technically be an adult at 18 but whether the maturity levels are the same is another point

@vaki Honestly don’t think you have too much to worry about now, he’s working as many hours as they’ll give him, his earnings will be capped somewhat by his age (minimum wage or a little over) in any big company and he’ll make the changes himself when he grows up a bit. Do try and make sure he is taking full advantage of the staff benefits though, they’re pretty decent (10-15% off food shops, 20% off mobile bills, discounts on car and other insurance, gym memberships, good pension contributions and the share scheme) because that’ll help boost his earnings even if it’s not in actual cash.

Omg!
When I was 19 I was a lazy job hopping spoiled brat.

Thankfully my mum didn't kick me out.

I simply wasn't ready for higher education at that point.

I am now 32. Bought a home at 22. I got a first class degree at 29.

Honestly I think it's awful that you would even consider kicking him out. And comparing him unfavorably to his peers can't be doing much for his confidence.

But i think no parent wants there child to be coasting in life, I'm happy for him to keep working at the supermarket, i just want him to be bettering himself as well, so if he wants to work there, take advantage of the courses they offer, or apply to become a supervisor and work his way up. Because currently he's not progressing or learning and I'm scared he'll stagnate

He can only have been there five minutes. He’s obviously got a great work ethic. Just leave him in peace for a bit. If he’s got management potential, his employer will encourage him to progress - with a lot more success than a pushy mother.

Your expecting to much. He’s only 19! I moved out at 19 and hugely regretted it as I got into debt from it. Maybe just stop paying his bills and buying his socks? Rather than kick him out because he doesn’t fit with your expectations.. not very motherly OP!