Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 10/02/2020 16:48

Childre at this age often start to get a bit private and body aware, eg wanting you to go out of the room when on the toilet. This is a sign

RhymingRabbit3 · 10/02/2020 16:49

I wouldn't hug my DC while in underwear
I dont understand this at all, why not? What do you think will happen? My daughter is 3 and if she wants a hug while getting ready for bed I cant imagine saying "no I wont hug you until you're fully dressed" or giving her a cuddle when shes wrapped in a towel after a bath.

Butterfly84 · 10/02/2020 16:50

Don't let your DD decide when to stop it. It's probably not crossed her mind as a child that bathing with her dad will become inappropriate.

Your DH has raised the issue and you are now talking about it...take that as the cue to stop the bathing together.

They could start doing a weekly activity such as a walk, jog, shared hobby etc.

ittakes2 · 10/02/2020 16:50

Our showers are open and as a family we all walk around naked (youngest child 13) - but having a bath together is in close proximately and that's a whole different thing. We stopped having baths together when the children were toddlers. I think if you daughter was to tell others she still bathed with her dad at 8 you will freak a few people out.

JosefKeller · 10/02/2020 16:54

How old do you think girls are when they (can) start having their periods?

An 8 year old is not a cute toddler anymore, it is getting inappropriate. Kids deserve to have privacy in their own home. Parents can be happy wandering around in the nude, but they should respect their kids enough to put boundaries and respect privacy.

VenusTiger · 10/02/2020 16:54

My son stopped bathing with his dad when he was about 3 OP - there's no bloody room and tbh, it's unnecessary - it was more a safety thing really more than anything else.

Alsohuman · 10/02/2020 16:55

I wouldn't hug my DC while in underwear, me or them or both (!) especially not with either naked!!

How incredibly sad, there’s nothing nicer than hugging a freshly bathed child wrapped in a towel.

Bakedbrie · 10/02/2020 16:55

We never did bathe with our DC’s but that’s mainly just because we prefer showering on the whole. I don’t judge others that do, sounds quite sweet actually. Your DH is clearly an upstanding man and a sensitive soul for raising the concern; and that in itself is saying time to draw a close and remember with fondness before anything might get a bit ewww.

JosefKeller · 10/02/2020 16:56

there’s nothing nicer than hugging a freshly bathed child wrapped in a towel.

that's debatable, they are all wet, what's so pleasant about that? Grin

VenusTiger · 10/02/2020 16:57

I wouldn't hug my DC while in underwear

You're going to give your child a complex - it's a child - not a highly sexed adolescent!!

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/02/2020 16:57

My DD (10) will hop in the shower with me at times (she asks). She'll stop when she wants. We are pretty unfussed by nudity though. I used to hop in the bath with DM or DSIS into my twenties. Stopped bathing with my dad when I was an 5ish.

Batshittery · 10/02/2020 17:00

Dragon You wouldn't hug your DC in their underwear? Thats not 'vv bad' it's sad imo.

Tombliwho · 10/02/2020 17:00

I wouldn't hug my DC while in underwear
The moment it went from sensible debate and discussion to ridiculousness.

billsmothers · 10/02/2020 17:00

There shouldn't be any restrictions on a parent/child relationship

Really? So where do you draw the line?

TwitcherOfCurtains · 10/02/2020 17:00

All this "she'll let you know when she wants to stop" is shit advice.

Children are very easily groomed into accepting/ believing their abuse is ok. A child (usually) has love for their parent, wants to please them etc, it's very easy to see why a child might not raise that they feel uncomfortable or even recognise inappropriate behaviour.

Goatinthegarden · 10/02/2020 17:02

Maybe I’m desperately British and uptight, but I’m another who thinks the close proximity is an issue.

I have a pretty huge bath but I still think it would be a bit of a squeeze for an adult and an 8 year old. If it’s not comfortable, or practical for them to bath together, then I really don’t see the point to it. There are a million other things your DH could do to spend time and bond with his DD.

Chinks123 · 10/02/2020 17:02

@damnthatanxiety why is it WEIRD for a grown man not to have seen his mother naked? What purpose does it serve to see your parents naked? I understand we need to learn about body image etc. but I didn’t need to see my dads penis to know about them.

DesLynamsMoustache · 10/02/2020 17:02

'I wouldn't hug my DC while in underwear'

Eh? Confused These threads always bring out people with really weird and repressed views about nudity and bodies. I saw my mum naked throughout my childhood, I'd come and sit and chat to her in the bath, etc. It strikes me as entirely normal and I'd have no issue with my DD doing the same too. There's nothing dirty or embarrassing about nudity. Safeguarding can be taught in plenty of ways that don't have to involve covering yourself up from your own child or refusing to hug then when they're in their pants!

Karenisbaren · 10/02/2020 17:03

She is 8 years old, she should not be bathing wih her father,

augustusglupe · 10/02/2020 17:03

Mmmm.. It IS a difficult one. DH used to bath with DD until she was about 3 or 4. I’d always be on hand too, ready with toys and towels. She loved her time with her Dad.
I don’t remember a cut off, but I think it was just natural as she got a bit older that it stopped.
I think that 8 is certainly old enough for her to bathe alone tbh OP

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 10/02/2020 17:04

Sometimes Mumsnet resembles nowhere on earth I have ever been. If your husband and daughter are okay with it, then it’s fine. She will soon stop when she’s no longer comfortable. I come from a very naked household and my parents always stood by the theory of “if you don’t feel comfortable being naked around us/your siblings anymore then that’s fine, whatever age you are”. I started not wanting to be naked once I was about 11 but my sisters never cared (much like my parents!) and have always been far more chilled about having a bath with the door open etc (in fact one, in her early 20s, still lives at home and my DD, her niece, will jump in the bath with her sometimes if she’s round!)

Let your daughter take the lead on this, but don’t just arbitrarily suddenly say “you’re too big to bath with Dad now!” She will ge so confused.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/02/2020 17:04

It's definitely too old. I have a DD and a DS and they stopping bathing together when they were about 8 or 9 nevermind with their Dad.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:04

It’s not abuse. The dad isn’t planning baths with his daughter, she is asking to get in his bath. That’s a big difference. To think otherwise suggests you have some sexual hang up of your own.

MintyMabel · 10/02/2020 17:05

The bigger question is why would he be upset about no longer being able to bathe with her.

It might be their time to chat but she can do that without getting in with him.

formerbabe · 10/02/2020 17:06

All this "she'll let you know when she wants to stop" is shit advice

I agree. My liberal, non abusive parents were easy going with regards to nudity and leaving the toilet door open...I found it repulsive but it wouldn't have occured to me to tell them that. I'm sure they'd have been mortified and modified their behaviour if I had told them. Don't assume children will always be able to let you know how they're feeling.