Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:06

@MintyMabel perhaps because his little girl is growing up. Not difficult to understand.

Bree88 · 10/02/2020 17:08

This doesnt sound right at all.These days some 8 year olds are quite developed even with pubic hair and budding breast.Considering how visual mens brain are, this should not be encouraged.If I had a daughter of that age I would never allow it.Dh can find other ways to bond.end of

Am sure the male specie defenders will come for me.Hmm

Chinks123 · 10/02/2020 17:08

Op, dp bathed with dd until she was about 2/3, when she became fascinated with his body and he said he felt awkward, so it stopped. I’ve never bathed with her; I wouldn’t say I’m a prude but I’m very private, I think because my mum always was.

I have a friend who in her thirties sits and watches tv naked with her whole family. They all cook naked, and always have done. To her I’m weird, but I couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting with my mum watching Corrie naked. Maybe our county is prudish

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/02/2020 17:09

We're very relaxed about bodies in our house and nakedness was pretty normal but our daughters started becoming body conscious and uncomfortable with nakedness around their Dad and, more recently, me when they were about 9 to 10 ish. We take our cues on what's appropriate from them. Our golden rule - that we are quite explicit about - is that both parties have to be comfortable with it and they shouldn't feel at all awkward or unreasonable about wanting privacy and that's something they should be confident about with us and anyone else.

So I would agree with the first response to your post - that it becomes inappropriate the moment one party is no longer comfortable with it. And going from my pretty limited experience I would say that's probably going to be fairly soon, though not necessarily this year.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 10/02/2020 17:10

Sorry - have u actually just suggested that OP's husband will be aroused by his daughter just because he is a man?

Fuck me.

3rdchristmaslucky · 10/02/2020 17:10

I stopped my son jumping into the bath with me when I started to teach him that his privates are private.
He won't show me his bits and pieces unless there's something wrong (he's got a bite on his butt or the last time was because he had a stingy willy... Had a look to rule out injury but it was a water infection).
That was last year when he was 6/7.

JKScot4 · 10/02/2020 17:10

I’m mystified by adults expecting an 8 yr old to take the lead, to decide!
Since when do young children make the best or appropriate choices?
As parents it’s our duty to teach them, guide them.
Will these parents say to their 12yr old “it’s your choice to smoke or drink or date a 16 yr old”??
Some pp on here need a head shake, kids don’t rule or make the rules, stop trying to be cool and relaxed and be parents.

Panpastels · 10/02/2020 17:10

My girls age 9 and 10 haven't bathed together for many years let alone with me or DP.

3rdchristmaslucky · 10/02/2020 17:12

Also my dad stopped bathing with me when I questioned what his willy was and "bopped" it. My mother was howeld for and I was scooped out.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 10/02/2020 17:12

We're quite a relaxed family about nudity generally but I don't think I'd be ok about that. The DC sometimes wander in and out when I'm having a bath or shower for a chat and that's fine because it's their choice to come in, but actually setting aside time to bathe with them would feel odd now I think.

I agree with others though about not putting the onus on your DD to stop; she's a child and might already be uncomfortable about this but have no idea how to word it. Please don't put things on her shoulders she's not equipped to handle.

LonginesPrime · 10/02/2020 17:12

We take our cues on what's appropriate from them

How does a child learn what's appropriate if not from the adults around them?

Surely it's for the parents to teach their children what's appropriate?

newyearnewear · 10/02/2020 17:13

My dad worked long hours and he used to have a bath with my DB and I so he could spend some time with us. Not sure how we all fitted in! He used to wrap the towel around me and swing me out of the bath. I think we stopped after the towel ripped once. I guess I was about 8. It was the highlight of my day and is still a fond childhood memory.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:13

Children do naturally get to stage when they know they stop doing certain things. It might be 6 for one child and 9 for another as there isn’t a definite age. Most parents are able to recognise that in a child. This girl is not being forced or even asked to share the bath.

Iggly · 10/02/2020 17:14

My DD is 8.

She doesn’t like DH to have anything to do with intimate areas at all. She’s just at that age where she’s developed a sense of privacy and isn’t comfortable around DH (or her brother).

I fully respect that. If I asked DH I’m sure he’d think it’s fine to help her with washing etc but it’s not his opinion I’m bothered about, it’s DD’s.

So I would speak to your dd, just your dd without making her feel under pressure but I’d also say it should stop to be honest.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 10/02/2020 17:15

I think that tbh 8 is probably too old. I’m sure that if both of them are fine with it then there’s no harm being done, but I think you’ve probably reached the limit.

Dd2 started to develop at around 8 and went from being naked a lot of the time, to wanting to cover up and certainly not have her father see her without clothes on. Your dd may not have reached that stage yet, but she may be bearing it, but not wanting to upset her father if it’s something he likes doing with her.

Mrsmadevans · 10/02/2020 17:16

'we are quite a nudey family generally...'
Yes we are too and I don't see a problem with it but it is up to your Dd to decide imho.

JosefKeller · 10/02/2020 17:16

It's not up to the child to have to tell her parents, it's up to the parents to give her privacy.

It's also up to the parents to teach her boundaries btw.

Putting the burden on her is bad parenting.

formerbabe · 10/02/2020 17:17

We're very relaxed about bodies in our house and nakedness was pretty normal but our daughters started becoming body conscious and uncomfortable with nakedness around their Dad and, more recently, me when they were about 9 to 10 ish. We take our cues on what's appropriate from them.

It's pretty easy to put some pants on...just do that instead of waiting for your DC to give you clues about what they do or don't find appropriate.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:17

SHE ASKS TO GET IN! Rtft!

JosefKeller · 10/02/2020 17:18

SHE ASKS TO GET IN! Rtft!

so what, it's still up to the parents not to her to work on privacy.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 10/02/2020 17:18

SHE ASKS TO GET IN!

You think because a child asks to do something inappropriate, that makes it not inappropriate/not harmful to the child?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2020 17:18

formerbabe
You do have a point about parents being naked in front of their children and the child not speaking up. I’ve spoken to my 11 yo dd about nudity. She’s fine seeing me. Dh decided to cover himself up the day dd hid her body from him. She then decided she was ok naked in front of him but we talked and decided this should be the line for him. She’s quite a demonstrative child and I know she’d say what she thinks / feels. I do appreciate not all children are the same. I definitely would have said nothing as a child.

maddy68 · 10/02/2020 17:20

I think it's now , the fact he's asking the question means he feels she's probably too old

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:21

If she was starting to feel uncomfortable she wouldn’t ask to get in his bath, he’s not asking her according to op. He’s checking with his wife if it’s still ok.

CuriousCapricorn · 10/02/2020 17:21

We’re a family who are pretty relaxed about nudity but no bloody way would this happen but more so because we haven’t got a huge bath and also my dd who is 8 ( but 9 this week ) is starting to go through puberty so I think she needs her privacy. She has no problem with her dad showering her but she tends to do herself now and we help with her hair as it’s a curly nest.

I imagine if she told her school friends the reaction wouldn’t be positive.

Swipe left for the next trending thread