Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
dietcokeandwine · 10/02/2020 16:21

Too old now, sorry op.

Not so much the nudity - I’m pretty relaxed about dressing and undressing around my DC-it’s the physical contact of being together in the bath. Apart from anything else, an adult sharing a bath with anyone, adult or child, is going to have to press up against them. It must be uncomfortable for them both already.

Can he find a different shared activity to do with her?

caringcarer · 10/02/2020 16:22

To posters who think it would be different if a mother and son, I would say that is inappropriate over about 4 as well. Apart from anything else if an 8 or 10 year old mentioned at school he bathed with his Mum or Dad I think it wold be reported as a potential safeguarding issue.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 10/02/2020 16:22

If they enjoy having the time to chat why don't you suggest to DD that she sits on the bathroom floor to chat to her Dad while he has his bath? (assuming your DH doesn't mind) Maybe say to her that now she's getting taller he wants the bath to himself, rather than focus on developing bodies.

My DDs are 18 and 21 and think nothing of wandering in the bathroom while I'm having a bath to have a chat. Sometimes the cat and dog come in too and it's like bloody Piccadilly Circus in there!

JinglingHellsBells · 10/02/2020 16:22

@Mummyoflittledragon

which comment is that?

The OP asked if it was inappropriate obviously for sexual reasons.

Maybe you ought to step back and think before you post nonsense.

Thurmanmurman · 10/02/2020 16:22

I think you’ll get told it’s inappropriate and I’m on the fence to be honest. I used to have a bath with my dad as a child and loved it but when I got to about 5 they told me that I had to stop. Years later my mum said that they were worried in case I mentioned it to anyone and people thought it was dodgy. Pretty sad really but I understand.

Autumn101 · 10/02/2020 16:23

DS2, who is 9, occasionally jumps in the bath with me or DH. Entirely his own decision, one minute I’m relaxing the next he’s stripped off and clambered in! DS1, who is 11.5, doesn’t try to get in but happily comes in and chats if I’m in the bath.

We’re quite a nudey house though so DH and I don’t worry about getting changed or being naked in front of them, and vice versa. I’m sure when they stop being comfortable with it they’ll let us know and we would obviously respect that.

So I would say it’s no issue until she decided she doesn’t want to do it anymore and there’s no pressure for her to do it.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/02/2020 16:24

It is good to show real bodies to our children.

Your poor kids having your nakedness thrust on them whether they want to see it or not.
How selfish can people be?

Selfsettling3 · 10/02/2020 16:24

Agree with when either of them feel uncomfortable.

FFSFFSFFS · 10/02/2020 16:24

The risk is that your daughter may not feel comfortable that she can assert her boundaries.

She may already feel bleugh about it.

Of course she may not. But you can''t be sure.

For what it's worth my enmeshed mother had no sense of boundaries in terms of bursting in regardless of my state of undress. I never told her not to because she had so indoctrinated me that I had no right to boundaries. There was nothing sexual about it at all - but it was about boundaries.

Not saying anything like that at all going on. But just that an eight year old girl shouldnt be left alone to make naked body boundary decisions.

karencantobe · 10/02/2020 16:24

I too find it really strange that he would be really upset for this to end. That will make it much more difficult for her to stop it if she no longer wants to have a bath with her dad.
He needs to start something else instead. My DP used to take the kids for a drink to a coffee shop on a saturday morning. Gave him some time with just them, and I got a lie in.

LonginesPrime · 10/02/2020 16:24

Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

Your 8 year old shouldn't have to set the boundaries - you as parents will need to do that.

Besides - she thinks it's absolutely normal so she's not going to feel uncomfortable is she?

Personally, I think the main issue is about teaching her what the acceptable boundaries are so she can protect herself adequately with other adults. If she thinks it's normal to be around other people's naked genitals, it would be easier for someone else to persuade her that it's fine for her to be around theirs too.

JKScot4 · 10/02/2020 16:25

Are the “we are a nude family” pp really thinking this through? DC need to learn boundaries to protect themselves, it’s difficult for young kids to differentiate parents always ok with it and in another home. I’d say starting school is time to have privacy, my DC have never sauntered in and climbed in a bath with me over age 3/4 and they knock before coming into my bedroom and each other’s. It’s respect for others privacy.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 16:25

The way you describe it sounds ok as in your Dd decides to jump in his bath. If he was actively encouraging it I think I’d feel differently. Is he still comfortable? He could try to change his routine to just break the habit so she doesn’t feel rejected.

Whynosnowyet · 10/02/2020 16:25

Is it just me who has never ever shared a bath with my dc?
They never see me naked either -
Not a prude just like my privacy. Maybe due to having lots of dc and feeling in need of some!

JinglingHellsBells · 10/02/2020 16:25

@Mummyoflittledragon 81% of posters here think the OP is not unreasonable to think her DD is a bit too old.

RoarerBoringAlice · 10/02/2020 16:26

I was watching Totoro the other day and the Dad in that bathes with his 2 daughters. About 5 and maybe 11?

I was sad that my gut reaction negative.

If DD is happy then leave it.
Maybe have a conversation that she is growing up now and that her body is her own and if she ever starts to feel like she doesn't want any more baths with Dad she should say so.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 10/02/2020 16:26

8 is too old. They can have fun times doing a myriad of activities, bathing together is not one of them.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 10/02/2020 16:26

When she's ready to stop, stop.

DS1 is 9, I don't think he's joined me in a bath since he was about 6, but he has a very strong sense of propriety (not about being naked around the house, but he draws the line at sharing a bath). DS2 is 6, and still jumps in if I let him (he makes me add too much cold water, so I make him wait until I'm nearly done). He on the other hand hates public nudity, has done since he could first articulate a thought, but doesn't let that stop him getting in the bath with me.

I don't think either has shared a bath with DP since babies - but then he's a substantial 6' and I'm only 5', so there's not really any room in there with him anyhow.

We're easy going about nudity too - I think the family dynamic about that is so different in different families that it's hard for the non-nudies to get how little the nudies just don't think about that stuff.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/02/2020 16:27

@Whynosnowyet No you are not alone at all! I have never had a bath with my kids who are now in their 30s! I have a bath at bedtime so in any case my kids would be fast asleep. Can't understand these people who allow kids to jump in their bath and in RL I dont know a single family who do it.

YgritteSnow · 10/02/2020 16:27

My Mum used to call me to bring her things in the bath - her book, her cigarettes etc - was the seventies. I saw her naked a lot. I'm quite uncomfortable with it now, as an adult, and I think it was inappropriate. Children don't stay children and there may be a time when they look back and think WTF were my parents thinking?! 8 is too old in my opinion and I would be most uncomfortable if my children were still wanting to bath with me or their Dad at that age.

cheeseandpineapple · 10/02/2020 16:28

If she still jumps in herself, without being invited and is comfortable with it and your DH is too, would say it’s ok.

I think girls/children work out for themselves when they don’t feel comfortable being nude in front of a parent or with parental nudity.

My husband’s a bit of a natural nudist. He would walk from bathroom to bedroom naked or strip off regardless of who was in our room but when my daughter started to become more coy about herself and looked uncomfortable when he was butt naked, I asked him to stop. He was oblivious until I told him!

I think you have to take your cues from your children.

OP, the fact that your husband has started to pick up on this probably means that even if your daughter’s ok with it, he’s going to be looking for clues and being on edge about it, which’ll probably take the relaxed element out of the joint bath anyway.

Might be better to wind it down whilst it’s still going to be a lovely memory rather than an awkward one. Could he ultimately replace with going swimming on Sunday mornings?

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 16:28

We’ve Alex been open about nudity. My DD16 will walk into the bathroom while I’m in the bath or shower. I don’t lock the door and neither does DH though I don’t think she’d walk in on him. I always knock DC’s doors but they don’t think to knock on mine!

XJerseyGirlX · 10/02/2020 16:29

I Still bath with DD who is 8 (im mum) her dad stopped when she was about 4. I dont think its appropriate sorry op. I know its innocent but these days it just cant be done. Can DH wear trunks in the bath? just like swimming then really.

JKScot4 · 10/02/2020 16:30

To add, no you don’t let an 8 yr old decide, you the parent teaches the boundaries.
Does nobody on MN have a bloody lick on a bathroom door? Adult kids wandering in? have they no respect for their parents privacy?

icecreamsundae32 · 10/02/2020 16:30

Can she not sit on a stool in bathroom while he's in bath and still have the chats? I remember sitting in bathroom reading to my mum while she was in bath at about this age.
My boys are 8&11 and don't think I've bathed with either of them since they were about 3... but they have come in to use the toilet while I've been in bath/shower.
My daughter is 2, she often hops in bath or shower with me or her dad if she needs a quick wash off and we're in there. I'd imagine that will stop around 3/4 as well or sooner if it becomes uncomfortable.