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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
Jeleste · 10/02/2020 16:03

I dont think its inappropriate at all. Stop it when she wants to.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 10/02/2020 16:03

If this was the other way around you would be getting some very different replies.

I think at the moment if they are both comfortable it isn't for you to 'knock it on the head'

Original poster
disintegration · 10/02/2020 16:05

Never - do you mean me and 8 year old DS?

OP posts:
PuggyMum · 10/02/2020 16:08

If it comes about because she gets in with him, I would say be guided by her.

My DH sleeps naked and we often find our 6 yo has got into bed with us and she gets in the bath with me when I get chance to have a wallow.

BlackInk · 10/02/2020 16:08

Well, my 8y/o DD still gets in the bath with me ALL the time, and my 10 y/o DS will sometimes get in if he can't wait or wants me to wash his hair. I'm female, but really if it's fine for a mum it should be fine for a dad... I'm sure your DD will gradually stop wanting to. My DS is definitely getting a little more private about his body... and it's getting a bit crowded in the bath!

Happityhap · 10/02/2020 16:08

Work out some other special thing they can do together instead.

I think you & DH should do this.

Those saying to leave it to the child - that's unfair as she will not have the awareness of the need for boundaries, that adults should have.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 10/02/2020 16:09

I mean if you posted saying u and your DS bathed together and your DH wanted to knock it on the head posters would say it wasnt anything to do with him.

I think if they are both comfortable then it's fine, just make sure she really is.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/02/2020 16:10

My DD was not an early developer but did have the start of pubic hair by 9.

Your DD is too old now I'd say.

I really also think it's unhygienic for adults to bathe together - cannot see any reason at all unless they are in the early stages of a honeymoon relationship and just want lots of sex everywhere.

PixieRabbit · 10/02/2020 16:11

Yes find some natural distractions or new habits to break this one.

RandomMess · 10/02/2020 16:11

I would start a new one to one thing sooner rather than later so when DD decides to stop they still have their catch up time slot.

No ideas what that could be though, make pancakes for breakfast together???

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/02/2020 16:12

It’s very sad but I agree it’s too old now. My dd (8) has never bathed with her dad as he just wouldn’t be comfortable with it. Also I wouldn’t like the thought of my dd bathing in water with dh’s pubes n stuff floating about in it!!

CalmdownJanet · 10/02/2020 16:12

Ah ok that routine just sounds more normal when you put it like that. I would follow her lead so, if she's happy then leave her continue.

chocolateandpinkgin · 10/02/2020 16:13

My 8 year old son often hops in the bath with me, is that inappropriate then? It never even crossed my mind that it was but other people's replies on here have got me thinking now! We are generally quite relaxed though, my kids often walk in when I'm naked/getting changed and it's never a big deal. My DD (11) is starting to want her privacy when changing etc now and that's absolutely fine of course.

And with the baths - I'd never tell my son to get in the bath with me, he just wanders in and gets in, so I kind of figured that once he doesn't want to any more then he'll stop.

SidsWife · 10/02/2020 16:13

Not weird at all. It will only be weird if you make it weird.

silverperiwinkle · 10/02/2020 16:14

Most local swimming pools don't allow 8 year olds to go in changing rooms with their dads. So would say that it should stop now.

Drum2018 · 10/02/2020 16:14

I find it weird that your Dh would be upset if he can no longer have a bath with his dd. Surely he can come up with other ways of spending quality time with her if that's the issue. A bath would be the last thing I'd think of, if trying to find ways to spend time with my 8 year old.

NaviSprite · 10/02/2020 16:15

I would say leave them to decide between themselves. It seems to be a condition of western society to find social bathing weird - if your DD is happy to carry on them let her decide. Just explain to your DH that on the day she does decide she’d prefer to bathe alone he is not to let on that he’s disappointed Smile

Hellohah · 10/02/2020 16:15

I agree with many other previous posters - be guided by your DD.

I used to bathe with DS all the time (I can't remember the age it stopped, but it was entirely his decision).

JinglingHellsBells · 10/02/2020 16:16

I have never known anyone whose kids bathe with them.

Baths are for 1 person.

Who wants to sit in someone else's mucky bath water?

caringcarer · 10/02/2020 16:16

Bathing with a parent is ok when tots but after about 4 I find it a bit odd. Why can't she go in before or after dh? Even if she is not developed yet your dh is fully developed. I am a foster carer and if either I or dh had a bath with any fc then there would be an inquiry and child would be taken away from us yet we act as parents in every way to foster child and have looked after him since he was 5 and he is now teen. He has been taught not to take clothing off in front of anyone including us and to wear PJ's and dressing gown after bath and before bed. I taught for many years and if an 8 year old girl told me she was naked in bath with her Dad alarm bells would be going off. Because they have both enjoyed time together I would be finding another thing he could do on his own with dd. Sadly we live in a world where child sex abuse is rife and so parents need to take care not just to be blameless but not to put themselves in a situation where they can be seen to be blameless.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/02/2020 16:16

I used to bathe with ds but stopped when he was around 5.I felt he was a bit too old to be seeing my private parts.8 is too old.

Remmy123 · 10/02/2020 16:19

I've got an 8 year old I'd find this a little uncomfortable even though it's totally innocent .. i can't explain why!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/02/2020 16:20

I have 2 DS and I was guided by when they wanted privacy. I was never bothered about changing in front of them but it was around this age they asked for privacy.

Headfull · 10/02/2020 16:20

Can’t stop mine if I’m in the bath trying to get some r and r, they find me and are in even when I tell them not to! DH however is uncomfortable and tries to shower/ change when I have them in a different room. I work on the principal be guided by then when pre pubescent. I have asked if they want privacy but so far it’s been a no! (And I’m not allowed the choice 😬)

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2020 16:20

Jingling
Your comment sexualising a relationship between a little girl and her father is vile.

YANBU op. We take our lead from our dd. If / when she isn’t ok naked in front of us, that is the time for privacy. It is good to show real bodies to our children.