DH and DD bathing

[disintegration]

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

@Bluntness100 You said the following and this may be the case in the UK but it certainly isn't the case in the rest of the world. Perhaps not living in the UK I have a different mindset as do my friends/contacts.

Either way, it is a sad indictment of society that people are raising their children in fear of completely innocent actions being interpreted as untoward by teachers and others. I would hate to have to live my life like that and to be surrounded by that those type of people.

You give your children tools to say that they want to bath by themselves or have more privacy and not just assume that they will do this themselves.

Teachers may question it if it comes to their attention, parents will discuss it, the girl herself may get bullied by other kids about taking baths with her dad if her friends etc found out. The vast majority of her peer group will not be doing similar. And people and kids can be cruel. Teachers can be jumpy.

Thanks 😊

His replacement activity could be anything, daddy daughter dates where they go out for milkshake and cake on a Sunday morning instead, or daddy daughter breakfast Sunday, where they cook breakfast together then sit and eat it together.

The bath is irrelevant. It's simply habit. It's never been about the bath. The girl just wants that special time alone with her father where she is close to him and the centre of his attention.

There are other ways to provide it that she will love. So instead of saying, let's stop this, it's a case of let's do this today instead, and then not having the bath. It will soon phase out if she gets a replacement where she still gets what she's after, the closeness, the attention and that alone time with him.

Bathing with an 8 year old is not an acceptable thing to do in British culture and many people will potential report as a concern if they hear about it

Why is this? Where does it come from. Someone upthread said they wouldn't even hug their kids in their underwear? I find this more shocking. Do you never cuddle your kids on the beach?? Why are the British so uptight, why do they completely cover themselves up at home, and then somewhat perversly let everything hang out in public. Somewhere along the line we seem to have lost our way. Perhaps that's why our kids are all so unhappy.

Seen my mum, yes. But not my dad. He was very private, and even as a kid if I had stumbled upon him I would have been shocked. I guess we take our kew from others. With my mum, no issue, with my dad no! Oh and i never bathed with either either.

I think there's a world of difference between a child seeing you naked getting changed after a shower in passing and actually getting in the bath together. Eight is not a tiny child the DD will be starting puberty in the next year or two and it just isn't the norm to bath with a child of this age in Britain. I have a 9 year old and I doubt any of his classmates bathe with their parents. You might think British people are uptight. I would say most people are keen to give their children privacy appropriate to their age. Also that where people act outside societal norms it is right that concerns can be raised so that children can be protected, if necessary. Not the OP's situation but more generally.

The British are upright, to the point of hysteria, when it comes to nudity. Just look at this thread.

The point is, what is considered "privacy appropriate to their age" varies within as well as between cultures.

< sigh> They are also uptight

His replacement activity could be anything, daddy daughter dates where they go out for milkshake and cake on a Sunday morning instead, or daddy daughter breakfast Sunday, where they cook breakfast together then sit and eat it together

daddy daughter dates

yuck - horrible expression - now that does sound sexualised and incestuously creept!

*Porcupineinwaiting

< sigh> They are also uptight*

I'm not uptight. This debate could go on forever. I'm sure the child would be much happier if she went swimming every Sunday morning. A bath is hardly the most fun thing to do. Especially when it's getting a bit overcrowded and you've got the tap end. (unless you have a posh bath).

I like being private.

I remember my ds watching me get dressed as a toddler and commenting about my bottom. He was ushered out and then never again.

If it works for your family that's fine but not for me.

Agree with Bluntness

sigh, there really is no point In hurling abuse at the British, or talking about other cultures, or screeching against the injustness of a society which feels a father bathing naked with his eight year old daughter alone is inappropriate. It's not going to change it, no matter how much chest beating or navel gazing occurs.

It is what it is, this is what the majority of people think. No way round it. Shouting on mumsnet that the British are hysterical isn't going to make any difference to the ops life.

As said, this isn't about thr bath for this girl, anyone who thinks it is is missing the point. It's about that special alone time with her dad, where she is the centre of his attention. That's what she wants, that's what she enjoys. That's what she needs.and also it appears so does he. It just doesn't need to be in the bath,

He just needs another context to provide that attention to her on a Sunday morning.

Isn't this what raising children is about? An evolution of how we interact with them? We don't deal with a two year old as we do an eight year old as we do an 18 year old, or even a 38 year old.

We evolve those interactions based on the needs and requirements of the situation, as out children grow.. This is no different.

We, the British, just don't think their 'special alone time' should involve them both being naked.

I agree with bluntness

Porcupineinwaiting Wed 12-Feb-20 16:30:48
The British are upright, to the point of hysteria, when it comes to nudity. Just look at this thread.

The point is, what is considered "privacy appropriate to their age" varies within as well as between cultures.
........
I don't see any hysteria on this thread.

Are we British a lot different to Americans, Canadians?

sigh, there really is no point In hurling abuse at the British, or talking about other cultures, or screeching against the injustness of a society which feels a father bathing naked with his eight year old daughter alone is inappropriate. It's not going to change it, no matter how much chest beating or navel gazing occurs

not sure I see the "hurling abuse", "screeching". "chest beating" etc on this thread (other than through those horrified at the inappropriate incestuous paedophilic tendencies of men bathing with their children)

Could you suggest they wear bathing suits and explain its as your teaching her that her privates are private so boys can’t see. That way it would just be like going swimming. They could still hang out together and chat but remove the full nudity.
I really don’t think your dh is doing anything wrong at all. Just that if you’re having to ask them it suggests you and he are starting to feel that time is coming to an end.
When I was little I would always sit in the edge of the bath with my pj’s rolled up whilst my dad was in the tub. I’d relish our chat time. I’m one of 6 children so one to one time was rare.
You could get your dd a lush bath set ie bath bombs and say Sunday is the perfect day as she has time to relax, but daddy won’t get in as he doesn’t want to smell all girly and get covered in glitter. That way she won’t feel as deprived of a time she clearly enjoys.

Bluntness100 No hurling of abuse. I was just interested in how we got to where we are. As for not changing it, why not? Many cultural aspects of society change over time. We always hold up the Scandi way of living as an ideal, they and their children are consistently happier than ours, perhaps we need to change.

How we got where we are??

It has never been acceptable for men to bath naked with little girls. Even their own daughters.
It's not a decline to this point but an increase in liberalism to the point where it's now so extreme that society needs to say STOP.
This is not acceptable.

It has never been acceptable for men to bath naked with little girls

What - even babies?

It has never been acceptable for men to bath naked with little girls

huh?!?

I think you should stop when either one of them feels uncomfortable with it. It sounds to me that, at least to some extent, your husband feels a bit funny about it as he asked when it should stop. I suspect it will come to its natural end in the next year or so but it’s a decision to be made between them when she is ready for it to stop.

I agree it becomes inappropriate when your DD decides shes not comfortable with it. Nudity imo is not a issue and I personally dont have issue with children and parents being naked around each other. My concern would be when she hits puberty and starts periods she will likely chose herself to stop doing so.

DD is 4 and asks for me to get in the bath with her sometimes, sometimes I do because save water and all that if I'm having a wash later anyway. Her dad wouldn't do this (but he showers anyway, hates baths). I think 8 is quite old to be doing that.

At that age, my mum might come in to use the loo while I'm in the bath, but my dad would not.

"He's flesh of my flesh! It's fine!"

thats just weird!

Zurina, it's quite usual at four, bless her.

At eight - not so usual.

Clockonmantlepiece, quite normal for little children to bathe with with either mum or dad - or both if bath is big enough - I would've thought. Maybe up to age four or five, after that it gets a bit crowded.