DH and DD bathing

[disintegration]

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

MargotB7 Nope I didn't mean it like that at all. I was referring to some of the posters whose minds seem to go straight to sexualising bath time. Sorry if you took it a different way.

@1000atfc5423 completely agree with you. Very shocking how many people on this thread state the child should know and set their boundaries. No, we as adults teach them about setting boundaries.

I think it's more about privacy and personal space and being left 'be'.

I don't want to be interrupted whilst I am showering or going to the loo. It gave me some breathing space and my dc had to get on with it.

Obviously when they were babies they would come in the bathroom with me

I have read, and re-read. Questioned myself for a brief moment then thought...f*ck that.
I have bathed with both my dd and ds. Dd is now 13 and bath time is hers, but ds is 7 and will quite often jump in with me, or can we have a bath mummy? Also with his dad, we still splash, he will talk about his day, talk about anything he wants. all comes out in the bath and i love it! Both dc know about boundries!! So is this just wrong because its dad and daughter? or would it be ok for mum and son.
Every household is different.

Why is everyone fucked up if they don't want to bath with their children They're not. I can see why people might not want to. Sometimes a bath is the only space one has all day.

What is fucked up is the people crying 'inappropriate' 'abuse' and all the other variations.

In a normal loving household where nudity is not treated as shameful or something to be hidden children will absolutely reach a point where they start covering up, bathing/showering alone. It is a very natural and healthy progression. In fact, I'd say the posters who freak out at the thought of their precious catching a glimpse of a parents 'bits' are doing nothing more than ensuring their child has an unhealthy relationship with their own, and others, bodies

random, but have you thought about baths with swim suits?

Definitely when one feels uncomfortable. The fact that your DH asked about it suggests that he’s starting to think it might not be OK now she’s getting older. If I were using this in a safeguarding training scenario, I think many people would say it’s on the cusp of being weird.

@Waveysnail I think it is very strange and quite sad that you stopped bathing your 5 year old because you “felt uncomfortable”.

I've loved Co sleeping and bathing with my children. It ran its course naturally when they were about 8 or 9. Really lovely way to bond and then it's just not quite right and then it stops. No big deal.

I say this as a survivor of sexual abuse and rape starting when I was a small child. This thread has sickened me. I think if you hear of a parent and child bathing together, as they do over the world, and your mind goes to sexual or inappropriate thoughts, that's your issue. It reads as though some of you are scared of having a bath with your child or them seeing you naked in case it leads to something sexual. Like you don't trust yourselves or need to safeguard your children from yourself. Why would your brain automatically go to that?! Then to call people out for things they haven't done? Saying their way is wrong when you're the one conjuring things up in your heads

Exactly!

I have now spoken to my daughter and asked her about baths with daddy. In her sweet 8 year old innocence she told me she loves them and when I said what about when your body starts to change agreed that she should probably end them 'when she's 18'. When I pointed out it will be a bit sooner than that she decried that she will stop them when she's 9. I will keep talking to her.

Oh, she sounds uttterly adorable!

It’s inappropriate. I havn’t bathed with my children since they were little. My husband never has.

She sounds very sweet. But honestly I believe that time together without distraction is important to them both. I think he should try to suggest somethings that they could do for years to come. Go for a swim and a coffee/juice. Football on Saturday afternoon. Park run.

Try different activities until they find the right one. But gently wean her off bathing with him. So maybe do something once every few weeks and gradually get it down to she's only in the bath once every few weeks. It would be really weird to suddenly stop it was perfectly fine last week but not next week because you turn 9.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently and it's an interesting question. I think it boils down to what everyone involved is comfortable with. I'm American and we're very prudish here. People are quick to be weird about behaviors like this being seen as sexual somehow, but oddly enough if you switched the dad for a mom and the daughter for a son, it would be better received here.

Anyway, I asked a co-worker and her answer was satisfactory in my opinion. She said it's okay to normalize nudity in the household as long as boundaries are made completely clear. She gave the example that her daughter who is also 8 sometimes has issues with wiping in the right direction, which then causes UTIs. She has told her daughter that it's okay for her parents and her female caregiver to help her clean up in the bathroom. She told her that the only other people she should allow to see/clean her genitals are people like doctors/nurses that she's in the care of. She wanted to prevent a feeling of shame in her daughter while also being VERY clear on what is considered abuse/inappropriate behavior vs. medical procedures, changing room scenarios, etc.

Op, take a deep breath. Does th reactions on this thread not indicate to you what the outside worlds reactions may be if your daughter starts to reveal she bathes with her father, say to friends etc? Clearly you'd not advocate asking her to Keep it a secret, but it is a risk people will find out and react the same, see it as a safe guarding issue.

On top of that, I mean this gently, but maybe it's also time to teach her about development and her body. She may start to develop over the next few months, she could even start her periods, so it's best she is prepared. Thinking it won't happen till she's 18 is cute but maybe not healthy for her.

Goodness me what a lot of weird replies about ‘inappropriate-ness’!!

I know loads of parents who routinely bath with their kids beyond age 8. Its a practical use of available hot water. Why is it inappropriate? It’s just washing. My Finnish friend finds us very peculiar about nudity in this country. She sits in a steam room and hot tub naked with her extended family — whilst I have no desire to bathe with my in-laws I think it is good for children not to be weirded out by nudity.

It's a tough one.
My DD started getting more private at around this age. DH runs her a bath and leaves her to it. She will still share a shower with me at the pool though.

Ps: I completely understand the difference between the situation where mum chucks all three kids in the bath with their Dad at the end of the day so they can catch up and chat while he supervises their hair washing, and she gets ten mins quiet — versus the poster who’s ex ignored his distressed son, leaving him to cry in order to join his daughter in the bath and put her in his bed (which I agree would set alarm bells ringing.)

It’s inappropriate. I havn’t bathed with my children since they were little. My husband never has.

How unutterably sad

So your children's father has never put his babies in the bath with him?

Why is it inappropriate for a father to bring his baby into the bath with him? Do we really think our partners are sexually and incestuously attracted to their own babies?

@Bluntness100 I wouldn't take the strange opinions of the posters here who are trying to paint bathing with your child as inappropriate or the OP's husband as a pedophile as being any way normal or representative of wider society.

These posts are a sad reflection of people's hangups and warped minds.

I don't understand why us who think it's time to stop keep getting told we have hangups and warped minds. I'm just thinking of the child. Yes she is fine with it now but very soon she is going to start feeling more body conscious. As a parent I would just choose to change things before it becomes an issue. When I started pubity I felt very self conscious after being quite chilled out about family seeing me naked.

It doesn't matter what it's a symptom of though Monday,

The vast majority of people on here feel it's inappropriate or becoming inappropriate and it should be stopped. A small minority feels it's fine.

This does likely translate into what our wider society would think also, the majority would likely think this inappropriate or becoming inappropriate and should be stopped . Either side hurling insults at the other isn't going to change anyone's opinion.

And the op needs to take that on board. That the majority of people if they found out would likely feel this is inappropriate to varying degrees, from she's to old now but it's sweet, through to the dire sexual connotations being put forward.

Teachers may question it if it comes to their attention, parents will discuss it, the girl herself may get bullied by other kids about taking baths with her dad if her friends etc found out. The vast majority of her peer group will not be doing similar. And people and kids can be cruel. Teachers can be jumpy.

Personally if it was my kid, I'd recommend the husband finds another way to spend one on one time with the daughter, one that doesn't involve full nudity for them both, to replace the bath times, and then he changes his bathing habits for a short period until it's no longer an issue.

This child wants the time alone with her dad. She wants the attention. It is not about the bath, That's simply what she has to do to get that time. If she gets the exact same attention and one on one time with him in a different context, then there is no need for anyone to be sad.

I completely agree with Bluntness.

Bluntness has it in a nutshell.

I agree with Bluntness too. Bathing with an 8 year old is not an acceptable thing to do in British culture and many people will potential report as a concern if they hear about it. Your DH must be rather naive if he thinks this a standard thing to do. It sounds like it has been entirely innocent but other people's perception of it probably won't be, especially if it carries on any longer.