FIL took his friend to my house.......

[itisaverywindyday]

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

Yes we get on very well, but I couldn’t mention it. It would offend her.

Oh FFS! At the risk of sounding nasty - I don't mean to I am just straight forward - you don't seem to be able to talk to anyone about FIL. You either have self respect, or you don't. At the moment you are so full of excuses about why you can't talk to this person or that person, please grow up and put your big girl pants on and just ask her. You don't know what her response is, you've never tried. Pick up your assertiveness off the floor, your self respect off the floor, and either ask his daughter about it (she may be genuinely horrified and decide to speak to him for you, you DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU ASK) or tell him to stop. How do you get through life having so little self respect or self esteem? It's your house, so act like it. If someone else told you all this was happening, surely you'd tell them to put a stop to it now, and not just accept it.

He doesn't want the money back, he gave the same to SIL when she bought her house a few years later, it was a gift.

He doesn't want the money back, he gave the same to SIL when she bought her house a few years later, it was a gift.

If you won't speak to SiL, & DH won't speak to FiL, you are either going to have to accept that your home is never truly your own & suck up the contanst intrusion ... or Use Your Words.

Nobody can do this for you OP.
A gentle conversation is all it will take. Getting the first words out is always the hardest bit, but from there at least you are actually COMMUNICATING.

You could try many different approaches - generally it's best to soften 'bad news' by getting 'good news' in first - FiL may have made a pest of himself, but he's just one human, it seems oblivious to the angst he is causing you.

"FiL you know I like to make you welcome here, you are such a big part of our family.
But I found it a bit weird you brought your friend round without giving us notice of it, & then didn't feel it was worth mentioning for 3 months. I know you are family, & I'm glad you feel comfortable here - but most people would feel a bit odd about a stranger in their home without their knowledge.

Also ... & I'm sorry to even need to say this - my NDN has just mentioned that you are always round here while we are at work. I don't understand why you feel you need to be here without us here? So - embarrassing as this may be for both of us! - I am asking you not to come round when we are not here unless there is an emergency.

I'm so sorry but while we're getting this out of the way, there's one more thing. Sometimes DH & I want to lie in or just have time with the kids on a weekend. So instead of you just coming round every weekend at 9am, could we start making proper arrangements to see you? As the kids are getting older we are all going to be busier, & I want to make sure we still have proper family time with you.
How about we visit you for a change this Saturday afternoon, & you come to us at noon on Sunday for a big family lunch?"

Obviously you are going to get some pushback, maybe some spluttering, maybe some hurt feelings or even outrage.
But press on - get it all out in the open & at least then, no matter how embarrassing it all is, you will understand what his take is on why he feels so entitled to your private space.

With that understanding, you can start to negotiate. Without it, you are stuck forever in a situation that is making you miserable.

Tbh I doubt if he would take any notice of your requests. Sounds like he taking the piss big time and overstepping the mark, and to those who say they wouldn't mind, in reality you would.

FIL is taking advantage. I read that if relatives have a key for your home, any damage caused or missing items may not be covered under your insurance policy, because they have a key. I suspect that the same would be true of whoever else he admitted to your home because it isn’t forced entry.

I think you should tell FIL that you have been advised to change the locks as part of updating your home security, and that allowing him to have a key and bring in whoever he likes without your permission is considered a risk.

Then you can address the lack of privacy at him coming round all the time without warning and how intrusive it is. Please could he call first, and give him a time in the morning after which will be acceptable. As others have said, it isn’t just you living there, your DC also need their privacy, so he will not be getting a replacement key to let himself in whenever he likes. You could also say that you have never known of anyone else who does this, and hope he takes on board how unusual it is.

I came home to find my father in law had built a TV unit made of Formica in my living room. That's because I hadn't been listened to regarding previous incidents of him treating my home like his own because he had a key. We are fine now but it needs to be said in a way they can hear.

YANBU
you should be asking for the key back or setting boundaries as to when he should be using they key. If the key is only for emergencies then he should not be in your house when your not there and definitely not taking anyone in with him.

I totally agree with you OP but I guess it depends on the individual. Some people have an open house and welcome visitors at any time. I'm not one of those. I'd happily never have visitors and I'd be pissed off in your position. Change the locks!

I agree

I agree with changing the locks. He doesn’t need a key. I’d be fuming if anyone entered my home without permission, with my luck it would have been the one day that dirty granny knickers were lying on the bathroom floor 😫

He sees the house as part his.
Your husband needs to tell him or if I was you I’d put the house on the market.

I don't see why this is such a big deal. I think it's sweet that he feels you are a close enough family that he could pop in to show off your good taste with making an appointment first. Unless he is otherwise untrustworthy I would let it go.

My SIL regularly turns up at my house with my DN’s when my MIL looks after my kids. Never asks if it’s ok. I wouldn’t mind but she doesn’t make effort to see us hardly at all (even when we’re inviting!) it’s like it’s a free crèche to her where they come and do colouring in and eat our food then conveniently packs up and goes just before I get home

So change the locks.

It's a big deal because the creepy bastard waits for OP and DH to go out then he's in there for no discernable reason without their knowledge.

That is, in itself, untrustworthy.

I disagree with some of these posts, IT IS a Big Deal - imagine if your the sort that leaves dirty knickers on the bathroom floor (there’s lots that do - I’ve teenage girls and they do it all the time)
I would be angry.

Why does he still have a key? Did he buy the house or build it for you? Still absolutely wrong to go in without asking but may explain why he feels entitled! I'd just change the locks without telling him. It's YOUR home. Protect it.

@Localocal the op mentioned the fil turning up at 9am on weekends. How would you like to come downstairs in your underwear after an early morning shenanigans session only to find your fil sat there drinking coffee!

If he has a key to your house are you going to stipulate every occasion when he can and can't enter? No. Leave it unless you don't trust him.

It wouldn’t bother me to be honest. My PIL have a key to my house because they do favours for us like wait in for workmen and they used to dog sit when our dog was alive. He’s family so I wouldn’t be particularly fussed about him showing off some bathroom tiles to his friend.

Be different if we didn’t have a good relationship I suppose

I can’t see why this is such a huge issues you don’t need to change the locks he isn’t stealing from you

Yes can understand you being a little pissed off but when I read the heading I thought it was something quite different to a friend having a look at your bathroom

Just make it clear next time he asks

Just politely tell him not to ever do that. Problem solved.

I would take the spare key back and give it to the neighbour!

That is SO disrespectful of your FIL! I totally get it. You do need to speak to the family about it and tell them why you feel the way you do. What if you'd been in the bath for example or otherwise disposed and he'd just walked in?! NOT ON! Give yourself and DH a bit of a laugh. Tell your FIL you've decided to be naturists at home - that will stop him from inviting his friends to your home again!

He may have said it was a gift but whether he sees it as such or as a foot in the door and one that gives him the right to enter your home as and when he likes is another matter, and it needs to be clarified.

You or tourDH must have a conversation with your FiL about this and the sooner you can, the sooner the air will be cleared.