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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL took his friend to my house.......

257 replies

itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 13:57

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

OP posts:
TheReef · 10/02/2020 14:28

Change the locks and get yourself an outside key safe to save giving anyone a spare

DGRossetti · 10/02/2020 14:29

Change the locks then if you won't ask for the key back.

Change the lock (barrel ?) even if you do get the key back. After all, someone who'll let themselves in on the sly like that wouldn't hesitate to make a copy.

Personally, I'd change the lock on the QT, and wait and see if anything is said.

Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 14:31

I mentioned the bathroom incident to my neighbour who is also a friend and she said "Oh, I thought you knew, he's always at your house when you're out"

I suppose I have let lots go as it's nice he feels he can come and see us etc and he is good to us, so I have let him do things I wouldn't let my own parents do, but taking a person who is a stranger to me is a bit much and on top of historical things I have let go is probably why I feel so annoyed.

OP posts:
Microwavedtea · 10/02/2020 14:31

YANBU my soon to been MIL did a similar thing, gave her friends a tour of our (not very special) house when she knew we weren't in. Took the spare key back soon after that.

DGRossetti · 10/02/2020 14:38

My MiL use to sneak in and hide things in DS room so he'd get a bollocking and she could comfort him and tell him what a shit Dad I was.

HaudMaDug · 10/02/2020 14:39

Get your locks changed. This CF see's no wrong in letting himself into your safe space doing god knows what while you are not there. Next thing you know you will be hearing about the BBQ and party he has held in your fabulous garden while you are on holiday or you'll notice he has 'borrowed' something when you find it in his house.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 10/02/2020 14:45

I mentioned the bathroom incident to my neighbour who is also a friend and she said "Oh, I thought you knew, he's always at your house when you're out"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? This is so weird!!

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 14:46

You live there too... why can’t you take the key back? Confused

TreeClimbingCat · 10/02/2020 14:46

Definitely change the locks. He could well have another key cut before handing back the spare one.

We have ABS locks which means you need the card with a number on it which came with the key to have it recut. Plus we have a ring doorbell so we can see anyone who walks up to our door, they don't need to ring the bell for it to trigger and record.

It doesn't matter what other people are comfortable with, you are not comfortable with this level of intrusion. I wouldn't be either.

RainbowFlowers · 10/02/2020 14:46

I would be fuming too. But I don't think you should get the locks changed as a first step. Surely the first step should be a conversation between your partner and him. He might just need the boundaries spelling out to him. I feel like its unlikely he hasn't done it knowing you would have a problem with it.

Lweji · 10/02/2020 14:46

It's your house too, so you can ask for the key back. Or change the locks yourself.

KaptenKrusty · 10/02/2020 14:48

don't see the big deal here at all??

My parents & my sister have a key to my house and can come in and out as they please - i wouldn't care if they brought someone to see the bathroom - so what?

IntermittentParps · 10/02/2020 14:52

Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. He's family. He was proud of your bathroom and showed it to a friend.

don't see the big deal here at all??
Er, he came to their house without them knowing and brought a mate in.
If you can't see why that's an issue you're as much of a weirdo as he is.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 14:55

Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. He's family. He was proud of your bathroom and showed it to a friend.
Do you trust him? It's not like he's going to your house to do drugs or have sex when no one knows he's there. What he did seems minor to null IMO.

OK, @NotALurker2, maybe he can pop round your gaff with his mate while you're out too. I'm struggling to understand your post - just because you wouldn't care, how does that help the OP, who obviously does?

And do you genuinely have no problem with the sense of entitlement this FiL has displayed? Do you not perceive how the very act of intrusion negates any trust the OP may have previously felt?

ArthurMorgan · 10/02/2020 14:56

But... Why is he always at yours when you're out? It's so odd!

DGRossetti · 10/02/2020 14:57

Surely the first step should be a conversation between your partner and him. He might just need the boundaries spelling out to him.

I feel, with justification of experience, that's a waste of time. If he had any notion of boundaries, this thread wouldn't exist.

Also, there may be a lot to be gained by keeping the fact the OP knows what happened a little secret.

ThePlantsitter · 10/02/2020 14:57

If you don't want to make a big deal about the key, just say you need it for something else and then 'forget' to give it back.

NotALurker2 · 10/02/2020 14:57

@IntermittentParps Or maybe we understand that lives are better when they overlap, and that the entire "draw boundaries" thing has gone way too far. When only a couple and their children are considered family -- that is just sad....

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 14:59

I mentioned the bathroom incident to my neighbour who is also a friend and she said "Oh, I thought you knew, he's always at your house when you're out"

What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?

Well maybe the PP upthread who feels OP should be cool with it 'cos FiL isn't doing drugs or partying round her gaff is wrong on both counts. Maybe OP's house is the happening party pad for seniors with too much spare time in the day ...

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 15:00

When only a couple and their children are considered family -- that is just sad....

Don't be ridiculous.
It entirely depends on the quality of the extended family.
Why should it be a given?

NotALurker2 · 10/02/2020 15:00

@messolini9 You make no sense. OP asked whether her response was reasonable. She didn't say, "Only respond if you agree with how I feel."

And no, I don't think OP's FIL thinks he's doing something wrong. He feels that his DS's home is his home. Ever heard that saying -- my home is your home? Some people mean it. If OP doesn't like it, she should tell her FIL, "I'd appreciate it if you let us know before you come in our house." Simple.

IntermittentParps · 10/02/2020 15:02

Or maybe we understand that lives are better when they overlap, and that the entire "draw boundaries" thing has gone way too far. When only a couple and their children are considered family -- that is just sad....
Where on earth is anything in this thread saying only a couple and their children are considered family? Confused
This man is bringing a friend to the OP's house without her or her DH's knowledge. Frequently. It is not on. And it's nothing to do with drawing boundaries going too far. Hmm

Crunched · 10/02/2020 15:04

My FIL used to do similar (he is dead now) and it infuriated me.
Once he chopped a bush down in our garden, I was beyond furious. But, as you mention, the intrusion has to be balanced against helpful actions and good family relationships. I made comments about his unwelcome visits In a jokey/not jokey way (i.e. I bought the cat a new bowl but no doubt you noticed when you were last round for a snoop)and the message slowly permeated. I do miss him.

Whynosnowyet · 10/02/2020 15:04

Anyone else wondering who else fil has round. Numerous uninvited undisclosed visits... I would be asking ndn for more details.
Your dh needs to grow a pair.
Shuddering at the thought of you having dc and being home a lot.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 10/02/2020 15:09

If you don’t want to change the locks, then at least put locks on all your internal doors. If he calls around, he can’t enter the kitchen and bathroom but no further.

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