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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL took his friend to my house.......

257 replies

itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 13:57

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 10/02/2020 18:31

@itisaverywindyday you absolutely can stop this now.

This doesn’t need to be the rest of your life.

wildcherries · 10/02/2020 18:36

Going downstairs for a glass of water early one morning in my underwear, to find FIL sat on my patio waiting for us to get up.
FIL coming around at 9am every Sat/Sun morning so never a lie in/lazy morning.

I would have lost my mind by now. Gift with enormous strings ... Tell FIL to respect your privacy. There's no reason he needs to be around so often and without notice. I'd never relax.

SnoozyLou · 10/02/2020 18:40

It sounds like this "gift" gave him part ownership to your house, or at least he's acting as though it did.

What a bloody nightmare.

Bluetrews25 · 10/02/2020 18:40

Ohhhh dear.
FIL is lonely, and he feels he partly owns your house.
The only way out of this is to pay back the cash gift.....but that is probably not possible, I'm guessing. As it was a gift you have likely not repaid any of it.
This is a warning to everyone, as I keep saying, cash from parents always has strings attached.
Not sure how you get out of this one.
But I'd certainly not be getting up early on a weekend, or tidying in preparation. Make him see it is the wrong time and not welcome.
He needs a hobby - does he like cycling?!

user1471449295 · 10/02/2020 18:46

Change the locks and give someone else a spare key for emergencies

dayowl · 10/02/2020 18:49

You need to stop this now

Jux · 10/02/2020 18:55

My mil was like this with our flat in London, when we were first married. If she couldn't turn up early early she'd phone at 6.30am and then turn up. If was awful. DH eventually took her key away.

It sounds like your FIL thinks the house is partly his so he can come and go as he pleases. Not sure how easy that is to handle as it's gone on for so long.

When you downsize he won't have to sub you so you can have the place yourself at that point. Personally, we moved 150 miles away which was at least partly, on my part, to get away from mil. Bit drastic though Grin

Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 18:56

The only time I relax fully in my home is when he’s on holiday.... it’s bliss! I can even go downstairs in a towel if I want too! Grin

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 10/02/2020 18:57

Aww. This is all sort of sad. You need to row back a bit.

Speak to your DH - it really is his problem to resolve. FIL gave him the money as his son. Now DH needs to sort it. That underwear thing would have been the end for me.

Jux · 10/02/2020 18:57

I wonder if you can tell him that you do wander about half naked and you would feel happier if there were no chance of him finding you like that so..... Or that dd wanders about half naked and now she's getting older you'd like to be sure that her privacy is kept intact. Something. Make something up!

WingingIt101 · 10/02/2020 18:59

Absolutely not ok. What if you’d been home sick from work and tucked up in bed or worse, lounging in pjs on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself.
As everyone else has said, key back.
If it’s awkward it’s his fault not yours!

SnoozyLou · 10/02/2020 19:04

Personally, we moved 150 miles away which was at least partly, on my part, to get away from mil. Bit drastic though

I've always thought it must be really hard on the parents when children emigrate to the other side of the world. I can see a valid argument for it here though.

The trouble is, there's nothing to say he wouldn't follow you.

Howyiz · 10/02/2020 19:07

How old are your kids?
I would start stsying in bed on the weekend, let your husband entertain him alone.
And what is he doing in your house when you aren't there? Presumably nothing helpful since you were unaware he was doing it.
He will be angling to move in soon no doubt.

yellowallpaper · 10/02/2020 19:08

change the locks. don't tell him. if he asks for a key, say you'll sort it out later (but don't) give a spare key to your neighbour, and if FIL asks again say its not necessary as xyz has one.

why does anyone need a spare key anyway???

BumbleBeee69 · 10/02/2020 19:08

I mentioned the bathroom incident to my neighbour who is also a friend and she said "Oh, I thought you knew, he's always at your house when you're out"

He sounds like a nosey old swine....

buying a house bigger than we needed at the time due to a large cash gift from FIL. Since we moved in, I’ve always felt he’s overstepped the mark on personal boundaries, but due to being fairly recently widowed and giving us the money I didn’t say anything..... I just put up with it.

Your first mistake was not saying anything and putting up with it... Th impression I'm getting is that he feels entitled to treat Your home as His home because of his financial input into it.. You need to sort this now or shut up forever OP. I wouldn't have this bullshit .. not a chance... Flowers

FraglesRock · 10/02/2020 19:12

Why don't you lock your doors?
I'd 'loose' a key and change the barrels.

Get a key safe outside but hide it, if there's an emergency then tell his where it is and give him the code.

Get dh to tell him his popping in is too much that you should be able to walk downstairs in a towel without being afraid to see him.

Put a lock on your gate, lock your doors and don't always answer the door, you can always say you were having a nap, if you text first we'd know you were coming around.

Sadly you're his new life now after he's lost his wife (I think you said) so you need some boundaries. It's your house too and you don't have to answer the door.

Cherrysoup · 10/02/2020 19:19

Given your update, surely it’s (way past) time to put some bloody great big serious boundaries in place? No lie ins? He’s round early mornings and at least twice a week? Op, stop being a doormat and start living your life! Dh can sit him down for a serious chat re unacceptable behaviour. He’s given you a gift, he is NOT entitled to take the fucking piss in this manner. Your house is not his house.

TheCrowFromBelow · 10/02/2020 19:21

Yeah i agree with PP he is lonely, it has been going on for years and he sees you as his nuclear family and himself as part of your household.
He is probably utterly oblivious and thought he was being helpful coming at 9. That would have driven me.bonkers and you should have said something then, but never mind.
I think you need to talk to him, don't just change the locks, let him know that it isn't ok for him to just turn up when you aren't there, and he needs to either be invited, knock and wait for the door to be answered, or call you. He is well and truly in the habit of treating your home as his home.
If he can't do that then change locks.

unlikelytobe · 10/02/2020 19:29

This is even worse than I thought. Your FIL feels he has access rights because he helped fund the purchase? He has no sensitivity about what's appropriate, barging into your personal space at any time he likes and neither you nor your DH put him straight. I mean, do you ever challenge him? This is going to get worse as he gets older.

Change locks now.

Billben · 10/02/2020 19:30

Its up to DH to ask for the key back as it is his parent, he won't....

It most certainly is not only up to him. Christ, I couldn’t live like this.

HappySonHappyMum · 10/02/2020 19:33

That's easy! Change the locks - if he queries it tell him you broke the n the lock and the barrel had to be changed. Tell him here wasn't a spare key with the new barrel and 'getting an extra cut is on your list of things to do' - sorted!

Whynosnowyet · 10/02/2020 19:35

Personally I would tell dh until he gets the key back you can't relax enough to have sex with him. After all fil could walk in at any moment.....
And mean it...

Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 19:50

Thank you for all your comments, my family kept telling me this was not ok but I fell into a trap of trying to be kind and being grateful for the money but it’s gone on and on and on.
If I want to chill out and watch tv when I have rare time to myself I lock the door and leave the key in and hide upstairs in my bedroom which is frustrating as I want to lay on my sofa watching tv in my living room next to my kitchen and my kettle and my food! I have 4 children now 12,10,8,6 and honestly up until the last 6 months I’ve been exhausted, drained and actually quite depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 19:52

He has a daughter too, but as far as I know he doesn’t do this at her house.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 10/02/2020 19:59

It makes me so sad that you have to hide in your own house.

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