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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL took his friend to my house.......

257 replies

itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 13:57

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

OP posts:
moresugarpls · 10/02/2020 20:01

It wouldn't upset me

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2020 20:06

It does feel like it's you taking the brunt of this so that's why it's easier for your D H to overlook it - it doesn't impact on him as much. Who is up to greet your FIL on weekday mornings, who makes him cups of tea etc.? If that's you, STOP. Tell your D H it's his dad and he needs to be the host. Though I would also still change the locks..

greenlynx · 10/02/2020 20:38

It sounds awful!!! I would have a word with DH and lose keys, change locks and put a ring bell (in case your DH gives him keys without you knowing) .
Also how often you visit him? Your FIL might feel that without his coming you will forget about him for ages, just a thought.

pinkyredrose · 10/02/2020 20:49

Why did you accept his money in the first place? Sounds like you were happy to take his money but now you don't want him around. Kind of feeling a bit sorry for him, he probably thinks you like him. Taking the stranger in was a step too far I'll admit.

Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 20:59

pinkyredrose We accepted a gift 20 years ago, which we are grateful for. We only had enough money for a one bedroom flat, his gift enabled us to buy a larger house. At no point have I said I don’t want him around or that I don’t like him. I have always made him feel extremely welcome, hence why I am in the position I am in now.

OP posts:
Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 21:01

My DH is not around a lot and works most weekends. I think we both just accepted it.

OP posts:
Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 21:03

FIL is a very young 68, we rarely go to him as he is always at put house first. But we would go if he didn’t come as he only lives about 15 minutes away.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 10/02/2020 21:04

He has a daughter too, but as far as I know he doesn’t do this at her house.

Do you get on with her OP, & can you get her on-side?

IdleLiz · 10/02/2020 21:05

It sounds like he feels the money gives him a right to be in 'your' home.

You're going to have to sit him down and explain you want privacy and he's going to need to phone first to see if you are not busy.

My DF has a key for emergencies. I've said to him many a time to let himself in if we have just popped out and be home soon, but he wouldn't dream of it. He'll go away and come back when somebody's home.

Original poster
itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 21:32

messolini9 Yes we get on very well, but I couldn’t mention it. It would offend her.

SIL has only had one holiday without FIL in the 12 years she has been with her DH do not sure what her opinion would be.....

OP posts:
Howyiz · 10/02/2020 21:34

Your husband isn't around at the weekends?
Tell your fil not to come around so early, now that the kids are older, they are sleeping longer so you want to sleep in.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 21:39

Hold on.
SiL doesn't have to put up with constant home-space intrusions, but It would offend her to hear that it happens to you?

Offended BY you, but not FOR you?

Do both of FiL's children pander to him? Does hetend to keep them in thrall by financial or other means? This is not healthy OP. Please listen to PP's & start establishing boundaries. This is your home space - it's important to your mental health.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/02/2020 21:43

buying a house bigger than we needed at the time due to a large cash gift from FIL

He regards it as "his" house because it was bought with "his" money.

You need to put him right. Let him know he's welcome - but by invitation.

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2020 21:43

Can you put the key in the lock when your husband goes out to work at weekends and then go back to bed / draw the curtains and watch TV with the kids? (Ok, it's a start).

If you asked him to come round later, would he take notice of that or not?

wildcherries · 10/02/2020 22:26

Does he tend to keep them in thrall by financial or other means?

I thought the same as soon as I read that FIL joins the daughter on holiday almost every year. I wonder if he pays for said holiday.

MrsCBY · 11/02/2020 00:34

You don’t have to live like this, OP.

VenusTiger · 11/02/2020 01:03

@itisaverywindyday I have a question for your DH - or rather, a proposition - you are going to give his MIL a key - she has already agreed to come round every single morning, come upstairs and make the beds at 8am.
He'd hate that invasion wouldn't he OP?
If you can't sort this out via DH, then can't you at the very least just sit your FIL down and say "hey, I'm embarrassed when you catch me in my bloody underwear sometimes" and "I can't even have an intimate lie in with my husband anymore - can you start using the doorbell please - this may be partly your house, but it's 100% our home"

Dyrne · 11/02/2020 07:01

itisaverywindyday could you use the age of your children to your advantage here? Sit down with your DH and have a serious conversation - your eldest is approaching teenager-hood; an age where they start needing more privacy and to feel more secure in their home?

This is completely unacceptable. A gift of money is just that - a gift. It should not be used to hold you in his thrall for 20 years.

Please start standing up for yourself here OP. There is a massive difference between keeping your FIL involved in your life and just accepting the fact that he constantly lets himself in when you are asleep or not even around!

netstaller · 11/02/2020 07:06

Install a ring doorbell or similar so in future you'll know and can pull him up on it. He'll soon stop.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 11/02/2020 10:54

My advice - sell the house, offer FiL back his 'gift' of whatever he loaned you to buy the house and buy a different house away from him. He then can't have any 'hold' over you or your DH about somehow thinking he has a right of access to the house.

Bluetrews25 · 11/02/2020 11:21

Yes, @WhatchaMaCalllit is spot on, sell and pay back. Or remortgage and pay back.

Rezie · 11/02/2020 11:43

As an isolated incident it's not a big deal. But he has a pattern of not respecting privacy to the point that you dont feel comfortable in your house.
Is it related to him giving money for the house? If yes, then make an agreement to pay him back. Change locks/ask for key. Talk to him, maybe make an agreement that he could come in every Tuesday etc. This is not normal.

longtompot · 11/02/2020 11:47

Sounds exhausting! A gift is that, a gift. Unless he said you can have this money as long as I am allowed in your home when I like.
He sounds lonely & bored, but you are not his entertainment.
I wonder if you can preempt weekend visits by messaging/phoning him on the Friday and say we’ll be round for a visit tomorrow or whenever, so no need to pop over!
Are you able to chat to him about the visits, and explain you can't relax in your own home as you don’t know if he will be waiting somewhere? Maybe say it makes you feel like you are living back home when you were a teen and not having any privacy.
If he really doesn’t understand that, either leave it, change your lock and get a key safe for your spare key, or ask for his key back and tell him he is welcome in your home, but he has to call first, and he can have a key only for when you are away for more than a few nights.
I wonder if him doing this would have any affect on your house insurance? Probably not, just a thought that popped into my head.
Good luck op!

rainbow1982 · 11/02/2020 11:54

I personally would be raging, it's a complete invasion, you could've left things in a tip that day (which we all do occasionally I'm sure!) it's really rude and disrespectful and your hubby is being a bit of a wimp not asking for it back.

I understand why you don't want to ask for it (awkward!) and I know it's an unnecessary expense but I'd also change the locks, not tell him and wait until he questions why he can't get in. Then I'd let rip and ask why THE FUCK he was there while we were out!!! 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

MulticolourMophead · 11/02/2020 11:59

VenusTiger If FIL gave the money as a gift, then it's not "partly his house". It's OP and her DH's house.

But in general, I agree that it might be an idea to see if you can pay the money back, because I'd agree that he's seeing it as his right to come into your house because of the cash gift.