FIL took his friend to my house.......

[itisaverywindyday]

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

Really? I must be too relaxed as I couldn't give a hoot 😂

I think you need to open a conversation with him - if you don't want to fall out with him you need him on side. He sounds lonely and may feel hurt and embarrassed so go gently. As messolini9 says, you need to communicate. Tell him how you feel.

"Never in all my adult life have I heard of an emergency that required a parent to have a key."

My parents have our key, which is very handy when we are on holiday and the alarm goes off, they can then check it's all ok. They also drop parcels off for us sometimes if we are out. I couldn't imagine them inviting anyone else round while we were out though, most of the time it would be far too messy for unexpected guests.

Unless your FIL and his chum have "breaking and entering", form , I think your overeacting, he obvs thought your tiles looked great , and suggested them to said chum!

I think you are being OTT. I mean there was no harm done, he didnt walk in on you and DP in an intimate situation or root around your laundry basket. I think my perspective is different as i come from a family of overbearing asian women. My aunty lived a few roads away when I was growing up and she had our spare keys. She would often let herself in and we would come in and find her sitting there. She would complain that she was waiting for ages and we would be thinking you should phone before coming over. We didnt mind as we were used to her doing that , rooting around our fridge and complaining about out of date food, borrowing our pans with out asking. I thought that's just what families do

If you are not ok with this, and I totally understand why, then you must ask for the key back. It is your house not his....

@MulticolourMophead

Venus Tiger If FIL gave the money as a gift, then it's not "partly his house". It's OP and her DH's house.

I know it's not, I'm suggesting that it's how FIL sees it though. As his. Which is why he waltzes in when they're still in bed etc. It's bloody ridiculous OP, sorry, but I can't understand why you're putting up with this. Don't your children at least deserve some privacy? It's not the best lesson is it?

I think it is just rude. I can’t imagine my parents or in-laws ever even thinking about doing this. I have not read all the comments, but I don’t understand why your H thinks this is acceptable behaviour, and why he has not spoken to them about it.

My mum invited friends round while I was away and showed them around the whole house. It was in a horrific mess. Still shudder when I think about it 😱

NotALurker2
Of course it’s a big deal. You could of left your knickers on the floor rushing out to work or something, in the knowledge that you could clean up when you got home.

Completely and utterly rude. I'd change locks, not tell him and find another key holder.

change the locks and don't give out a key - say your insurance company insists.
Couldn't stand this open door arrangement however close I was to my family.

That's annoying. Allthough my ex boyfriend brought a girl he was cheating on me with to my house, while I was away. That was worse :)

Hi, I think this is totally out of order but I’m intrigued that your other half won’t ask for the key back. Isn’t he bothered then? I think it’s weird of your FIL to think he can just bring someone into your house without asking but maybe your other half doesn’t, in which case there’s a discussion to be had there. If your other half thinks it’s ok for your FIL to pop round whenever he likes, maybe this has been an arrangement they’ve had previously, in which case you have to deal with them both. How close does your FIL live? We leave spare keys with our neighbours in case we are locked out or one of our boys locks themselves out - surely he doesn’t live as close as a neighbour?

Personally, I think if you're afraid to broach the subject face to face with him, then the answer might be to write a letter. I've found in the past that this can often help with situations where people know they're in the wrong and just try to talk over you, or negate your feelings when talking face to face. Perhaps you could say something along the lines of -

Dear FIL

When you first lost MIL and started coming round and letting yourself in with our spare key, I didn't like to say that I actually found it a bit intrusive, as I knew that you must be upset and lonely, and wanted you always to feel welcome, but over the years it's become a habit, and when you told me the other day about showing John our bathroom without even asking if it was OK, it made me realise that it's time that we had a talk about boundaries. I've actually found you letting yourself in over the years quite awkward and embarrassing at times, as I've always been worried that you'd catch me running around starkers, or catch me and DH in the act (if you know what I mean), and now that the kids are getting toward their teens, I think it might be a good time to change things. So, for future reference please can you just give us a call to check we're free before visiting, as that way, we can let you know if it's not convenient. You are of course always welcome, but now the kids are growing up and capable of amusing themselves, I'd really like to have a bit of a lay in on a weekend, something I can't do if you just turn up. I hope you don't mind me bringing the subject up, and as you can tell, by the fact that I'm writing rather than speaking face to face, I do feel really awkward about it, but I just need to feel that my house is my own and by setting boundaries everyone knows where they stand.

Obviously feel free to change any of the above. Then if he still turns up without warning, the very first time he does it say 'Oh didn't you read the letter I sent you FIL, only I did ask you to call before popping round?' Then if he starts to bluster, you could say, 'look, I told you I found this difficult to discuss face to face, but if you insist on letting yourself in, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to return my key'!!

Hope this helps, and of course, it is just a suggestion, but one that I feel might solve the problem for you.

He clearly sees it as partly 'his' house as he helped buy it... He's wrong of course but it's obvious

How awkward. Feel for you as it’s hard to undo the set pattern that has (for whatever) become the norm.

If it were me I would say to him that you are glad you are all so close and that he feels able to pop round for company, but you are finding 9am on a Saturday too early to be sociable and you need some downtime whilst the kids are either sleeping in or at clubs, just for your own mental well-being and time recharge.

If you can carve out some time without him, you might feel less fed up about him popping over at other times.

FWIW, I don’t find it overly strange that he lets himself in. My grandad used to all the time when I was young, he was windowed and retired, and my mum was working so he used to pick up veg from the market and drop it round and while he was there he often cleaned the hob! Once I was supposed to be revising for my GCSE’s but didn’t get up until noon, and found him cleaning the kitchen. It was nice to see him, I’d make him a cup of tea find him a piece of cake and have a chat. I live nowhere near any of my family or in laws, my own mum has died, I miss this informality and close extended family.

I do however think it’s curtesy to knock even if you have a key to somebody else’s house.

Had this disrespectful crap from ex outlaws it only leads to misery for you . Be assertive.

We had this with DM and DF. Had to ‘’borrow’ key because we were ‘locked out’ and ‘forgot‘ to give it back.
Now we’ve got a key safe very well hidden from view. Has been used in emergencies by ambulance crew, etc, when I’ve become seriously unwell but unable to open door. Had absolutely no problems with it and DP’s haven’t noticed it! Yay!
Such a result as they would literally walk in at anytime, barely pressing the bell before entering!

Unbelievable!

He views your relationship completely differently to how you do... Neither way is wrong...until someone doesn't like it.

Unfortunately you have dug yourself a bit of a hole and it's going to cause arguments to get out of it, I would imagine.

Everyone has their own opinions but ultimately it's only what you, OP, are comfortable with. For me, I'm in and out of my mum's house (I go there with children when she is at work as OH works nights and sleeps during the day, in my defence she is fully set up with loads of toys and actively welcomes it), she is welcome to use our house when we are out/on holiday. On the other side, we don't have in-laws' keys and they have ours as an emergency but would never pop in and we wouldn't go around to them without pre-warning. Both types of relationships work for the situation.

If I had someone coming round all the time and it was affecting my MH, I would be hoping to have my OH's support to end the situation...!

Good luck OP!

Bit cheeky but not the end of the world. Wouldn't bother me. my daughter, 3 of my friends have keys to my house. I've got keys to my daughters, my mothers, my brothers and my friend. We just come and go as we please.

Re spare keys, we hid a key safe inside our gas meter box. Never trust friends/family with keys

Did he do the bathroom for you? If so he wanted to show his mate his work which doesn’t sound unreasonable.

if not, it’s very random and I’d be wondering what else he does while you’re out?

Oh, definitely change the locks.

You can't be certain that he hasn't done it before.