FIL took his friend to my house.......

[itisaverywindyday]

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

If your husband cannot/will not ask for the return of the key, just get the lock changed, and ensure FIL does not get a copy of the new one. You are def NOT u, this is just not on. It always surprises me how some ILs feel entitled to go snooping in the homes of their children!

Take the key back. Showing a stranger around your home against your knowledge is obviously not an emergency.

Why’s he round a lot when your not there, is he doing diy jobs or gardening or pet sitting/letting out, while your working. My parents used to have a key for these reasons. And I had a key to there’s to do watering feeding animals pick post up if they were Away. Not so easy now there 300 miles away, pain in the bum!
Our son still has a key just lets himself in, we have a key to his flat (in case he has things being done while at work)
But we always text first to say we’re on our way, just to ensure we’re decent, and not enjoying ourselves too much.

@HeadachesByTheDozen women can’t win for losing. You and I think it’s bonkers that a woman has no rights to say what happens in her own home.

Then you get the other women who chastise for “not being nice” and “isn’t it great how welcome you’ve made him feel! Keep being a good doormat!”

It’s hard to parse what you feel is right, when women are constantly told to be small and nice.

All those saying its no big deal, you'd be happy to come home from work and walk in the house to find your FIL and his friend casually walking around? No notice at all

Hear hear @LochJessMonster, although I note with interest that FiL seems to takes care to only visit OP's home while she is not there - she hasn't posted that he turns up unannounced & lets himself in when he knows she's at home ...

Actually I agree with what Headache said! I would probably be tempted to install a cctv camera! Having been a shift worker all my working life, I have never been able to keep 'regular' hours, and could easily be in the bathroom, etc, etc, when Fil decided to bring visitors around. Not on at any level.

You're darn tootin'. @LovePoppy

OP, would DH be happy if it was your DMum who was round there all the time, and brought friends with her? To look at his undercrackers drying on the radiator or his files from work on the table?
And what if you got burgled one time (hope not, obvs) - will it be the person FIL brought round to case the joint? (Or will he be happily committing bank fraud from the details he has seen on the statement you left on the table that morning?) What will you tell the insurance company when they ask to know who has a key?
No-one should come in uninvited! I always used to ring the bell at my DMs and wait for her to open.
Basic respect of someone else's space.

All those saying it’s no big deal must have constantly clean/tidy houses. I’m not exactly a slob but we always seem to be at least one dishwasher old behind, bits of washing hanging to dry etc etc. I know friends and family won’t care but I’d still be mortified to know someone has popped round without me being there and saw the house in a state.

"Its up to DH to ask for the key back as it is his parent, he won't..."

Nonsense, it's your home too and you can either moan on here and to your neighbours/friends/dh or you can take action and get the key back.

I’d just ask for it back.

I wouldn’t be happy, and if DH won’t ask tell him you’ll change the locks and he’ll be locked out until he agrees.

It would not bother me, he obviously just thought you had a lovely bathroom and so did his friend, he copied it.
He should maybe have just text husband and said what he was going to do, if he thought you'd be bothered. Obviously didn't think x

OP do you have a copy of your Fil key? Just turn up one day at his and make yourself at home

Absolutely not a big deal, in my view. Presumably you'd be ok with your own parent doing it? And presumably you trust your FIL?
This is one of those 'only on Mumsnet' threads, at least in my view. I feel sad for your FIL.

@ifIwerenotanandroid By getting the coded security type ones that locksmiths can't make copies of.

Meh.

I don't think it's great but I couldn't really get particularly upset about this.

Personally I would put it more in the category of DH needing to tell FIL that we weren't super impressed about it rather than the category of changing locks and demanding key back.

Seems a bit of an overreaction to me. I mean he showed his mate your bathroom tiles, he didn't rifle through drawers or anything.

In the whole scale of human problems this is microscopic and forgivable.

copperoliver

Would you do this in someone’s house when they were out?

Dieu Why would you presume OP would be fine with it if it was her parent?

For me, it would matter if it were my own DP, I’d still be bloody miffed they’d not given me a heads up that a complete stranger to me was popping round. Not because I don’t “trust” anyone, or am territorial or any bollocks like that; simply because I’d like a chance to run round with a Hoover; and not be left paranoid that they’d visited on the day where I’d left dirty knickers on the floor, or the day DC had decided to play with “mummy’s big stickers” and hidden a load of (thankfully clean) opened pads everywhere! (Thought I’d got them all but of course when I got home after work spotted a couple that I’d missed!)

I note with interest that FiL seems to takes care to only visit OP's home while she is not there - she hasn't posted that he turns up unannounced & lets himself in when he knows she's at home ...
Yes, odd that isn't it?

I have keys for my daughters houses. They've probably each asked me to use them once or twice. For example I was asked to go and feed the cat when daughter 2 stayed over at a friend's spontaneously, and daughter 1 was worried she'd left the gas on one day so asked if I'd mind popping round to check.

There is no way on God's earth that I would ever use those keys without their permission. And I would be absolutely furious if anyone did what the OP's FIL did, in my house.

It's nothing to do with how close one is to ones family. It's about privacy. One's bedroom and bathroom in particular. No, you don't just show a stranger round my house, even if I love you.

Ok... thanks for all the comments, I didn’t put lots of detail in my OP as my issue was FIL bringing his friend without asking and not telling me until after the event, by accident.

I wasn’t happy about this, but wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable.

We have lived here for 20 years, buying a house bigger than we needed at the time due to a large cash gift from FIL. Since we moved in, I’ve always felt he’s overstepped the mark on personal boundaries, but due to being fairly recently widowed and giving us the money I didn’t say anything..... I just put up with it. Examples....
Going downstairs for a glass of water early one morning in my underwear, to find FIL sat on my patio waiting for us to get up.
FIL coming around at 9am every Sat/Sun morning so never a lie in/lazy morning.
Having first DD and coming around every day at 9am so felt like I had to be up/dressed/house cleaned/ ready for him.

We gave him a spare key, not to use on his own accord, but incase we lost one/forgot ours/other such emergencies that may arise with the children. I.e collect from school at short notice and take home.

I know I can’t really go back now as it has gone on way too long but I never expected him to take strangers in. I think I’m angry that I had no warning as had I known, I would of cleaned it to within an inch of its life and made sure no dirty washing was lying around etc.... I have no idea if it was on a crazy morning where I left everything a tip or not, I’m embarrassed that this person may of seen my dirty undies in a pile on the floor!!

For the record..... my parents, knock on the front door and if I don’t answer they phone me and say they are outside.

FIL has never knocked, ever.

FIL has never phoned either to say he’s coming, it’s now two nights in the week too at least... I came home on Friday and he was sat in my kitchen!

For all those saying you wouldn't mind, does that mean if you held a neighbour's key for emergencies and they had just had their bathroom done and a friend was thinking about having theirs done, would you do the same and take them round the neighbour's house? What's the difference, all because FIL is family it doesn't give him the right to treat your house as his own. It's the same when parents come round and rearrange cupboards, why do they think that is acceptable?

MIL struggled at first when her DC left home and got houses of their own, and used to see them as hers. Luckily she lived the other side of the country so couldn't just pop in, but when visiting would tell them what needed doing and criticising their decor etc. However, if they had done that in her house she would have been really upset. She finally got the message and accepted that they were grown ups and that their house was theirs, made it much easier when she came to stay not having 24/7 criticism.

itisaverywindyday it sounds difficult and yes, would be extremely hard to re-establish boundaries after so long in the Status quo. Could you maybe ask him to give you some notice if he wants to come round/bring strangers round? You could always make a joke about making sure your pants aren’t lying around etc! I really would be asking your husband to have a gentle word by now - 20 years of no lazy weekend mornings would have made me homicidal!!!