FIL took his friend to my house.......

[itisaverywindyday]

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

Maybe OP's house is the happening party pad for seniors with too much spare time in the day ...

Popping Iron Jelloids, while the Sanatogen flows like waster . . .

My MIL done this when we were at the wake of my aunt who had taken her own life. She was only 30 at the time and left 3 kids so we where all distraut and had been rallying around to help etc. as u can imagine my house was like a bomb site. I had been washing clothes etc and throwing them on kitchen table as didn't have time to sort, nothing had been cleaned, dishes etc not done. I was furious. She didn't have a key much longer after that

*WATER, not waster FFS!

Locks would be changed this afternoon.

No need to mention to FIL. Unless you ask him to do something for you he shouldn’t ever know you’ve changed them....so balls in his court when he tries to sneak in & finds he can’t.

If DH has a tantrum, ask him why your FIL needs access to your house? & why your desire for privacy, in your own home, isn’t something HE respects.

OP, you need to talk to your DH first. He needs to understand that it's not just his home, it's your home too, and you have a right to privacy that trumps any reason for FIL just casually letting himself in.

No point just asking for the key back as he might have one cut. Change the lock and see how long it takes for him to find he can't get in! In any case if your DH is going to cave and give him another key there's no point. You have to stand your ground (united front) at some stage or his cheekiness will continue.

I would go nuts. And if DH didn't back me up, I would go nuts at him.

I mentioned the bathroom incident to my neighbour who is also a friend and she said "Oh, I thought you knew, he's always at your house when you're out"

I'd be setting some ground rules with FIL, and if your DH thinks this is OK, I'd need to have a conversation with him too. This is so boundary-crossing. I'd actually be furious.

My granny used to do this and my mother hated it , they changed the lock and didn't tell her or give her a key . The first she knew was when her key didn't work

Snap, Snoozy!

Popping Iron Jelloids, while the Sanatogen flows like water . . .

& what self-respecting senior could resist?
I'm posting from OP's house now - her FiL's a right little raver!

My parents could do something like this. They see DC’s houses as their own. And it’s not right. Well at least imo. I moved away so avoided this confrontation but my sister came back after the university and have been struggling with this more than 30 years. Now our parents in their 80s so it’s too late and too be fair they are much less active than 20 years ago. But I wonder how old are you all and how long you are together with your DP.
I would take your keys off your FIL without warning: just pop in unexpectedly and say that you need keys urgently for something or that you lost yours. Don’t give him keys back. After a couple of weeks tell him that you didn’t like that he brought his mate to your house without asking first but don’t tell him that it’s the reason for taking the keys off him. It’s better to separate these 2 issues. Think about boundaries in the family in general and work on it.

I don't see the problem really.

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter??

Change the locks.

If DH doesn't back you up then you have a DH problem.

once + proud of your house = OK

often + no apparent reason = not OK

For those of you saying 'what's the big deal', what about when FIL decides he'll pop around whilst the OP is sick in bed, or wandering around in her knickers on a day off.

OP, this is not acceptable however you have an issue if your DH is not on-board. Change the locks - will he just give FIL a new key? How about an alarm - with different codes you can see who comes in and out and at what time.

Change the locks.If DH doesn't back you up then you have a DH problem.

This!

I suppose I have let lots go as it's nice he feels he can come and see us etc and he is good to us, so I have let him do things I wouldn't let my own parents do

WTAF. No.

No you don’t.

Why on earth do you think that?

A ring doorbell would give you the evidence to ask why each time and give you the opportunity to say ‘actually I’d rather you didn’t use your key for x, y, z’ if you don’t want to take the dramatic options being suggested

Or, you could just remove his access all together.

Not wanting somebody in your house doesn’t make you dramatic.

Give his key to your neighbour OP - it's that simple really.

Threads like these irritate the crap out of me when it's obvious the poster has a DH problem, and just gives in and won't even talk to her own FIL. You are not dating your DH, OP. You are now married, and his DF is also your FIL. So stand up for yourself and put your foot down and say something!

I find it so sad that it is 2020 and still the wife feels she has no right to speak to her own inlaws or read the riot act to their own husband. Wtf is wrong with the women of today? Anyone would think this was the 1950s. The cowardice of women these days is astonishing, and deeply embarrassing.

And what would have happened if FIL and his buddy had walked into your bathroom and you were naked in the bath?

I am all for family coming round without an invite and even walking in and shouting “it’s only me” but a stranger, when you’re not home and going in the bathroom takes the flipping biscuit.

Probably had a piss whilst he was there.

Do you have a key to his house, OP? Just wondering what he'd say if he rocked up and you and a mate were sitting there.

it's nice he feels he can come and see us - but your neighbour told you he goes round all the time when you're out - erm, hello!!!
Take the bloody key off him OP ffs!

All those saying its no big deal, you'd be happy to come home from work and walk in the house to find your FIL and his friend casually walking around? No notice at all.