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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL took his friend to my house.......

257 replies

itisaverywindyday · 10/02/2020 13:57

AIBU to be absolutely fuming that my FIL took his mate round to my house to show him our bathroom, without asking us, without telling us until about three months later when he dropped it into conversation?
FIL - "Ooh yeah, John's bathroom looks lovely, he went with the same tiles as you, as liked how yours looked"
Me - "Oh right, has he seen them then?"
FIL - "Yeah I brought him round one day to have a look"

I am fuming!! This is not a one of occurrence of what I think is a total invasion of my/our privacy.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 10/02/2020 15:11

Kapten why do your family need to come and go in your house as they please?

DM, MIL, FIL and a set of neighbours have keys to our house for emergencies, but I would hope none of them just pop in when we are not there.

Likewise I have a key for DM and the neighbour but I don't just let myself in unless I am asked to do something eg water plants when they are away

willowmelangell · 10/02/2020 15:17

This emergency key is being abused.
Take it back!

AngryAtYouTube · 10/02/2020 15:17

I'd be putting motion sensor cameras in the house.

ArranUpsideDown · 10/02/2020 15:21

Never in all my adult life have I heard of an emergency that required a parent to have a key.

My DH and I were in the same car accident. We needed people to have a key and access to our home.

justasking111 · 10/02/2020 15:21

We have had the keys to each others houses, in case of emergency, holiday cover, collecting stuff. No-one in our family has ever over stepped the mark like this. Get a key safe.

AmelieTaylor · 10/02/2020 15:23

Locks would be changed this afternoon.

No need to mention to FIL. Unless you ask him to do something for you he shouldn’t ever know you’ve changed them....so balls in his court when he tries to sneak in & finds he can’t.

If DH has a tantrum, ask him why your FIL needs access to your house? & why your desire for privacy, in your own home, isn’t something HE respects.

DGRossetti · 10/02/2020 15:25

No-one in our family has ever over stepped the mark like this.

I'd imagine most families are like this. But trust me, not all are. And those that aren't can be completely batshit. Batshit beyond belief.

OP needs to listen to their instincts, as MN always advises. Wish I'd had that advice 20 years ago.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 10/02/2020 15:27

We had this with a relative who showed someone round when we were on holiday (we'd left a key with her in case we lost ours on holiday). She didn't tell us she'd done it & we only knew because she'd left the light/fan on in the bathroom, so we asked her & she cheerily told us.

We moved soon afterwards & although she asked to permanently have a key to the new house 'so that I can do your housework' Hmm we refused.

Please, just change your locks. What on earth is your FIL doing at your house all the time?

ILearnedItFromABook · 10/02/2020 15:28

He can visit you just fine without the key. That's a silly reason for him to have one. Now, I do like having family nearby who keep a spare key for emergencies, but they don't just wander in and out without asking first or while doing us a favour (feeding the dogs).

Your FIL apparently has different standards from most people for what is/isn't acceptable use of the spare key. There's nothing wrong with expressing dismay that he just comes and goes as he pleases especially to the point of letting others in without asking first. I'd tell him you're not happy to have people coming in without prior warning. Until you tell him, he won't know because he's weird and doesn't understand boundaries--.

If he acts like he won't respect your wishes, I'd consider having your husband take the key back or just changing the lock. Either way, it will be an awkward conversation, but his being family doesn't mean he needs to wander around your house for no reason.

GaaaaarlicBread · 10/02/2020 15:30

Yes that’s very weird , especially if he’s ‘always round’ as your neighbour has said ? Can you give your neighbour the spare key , they sound reliable ?
But either way it’s your house too so just because it’s not your Dad, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a word with him?
I feel your annoyance though, I’d be a bit miffed .

HavenDilemma · 10/02/2020 15:32

I'm gobsmacked you didn't explode at him there and then or at least say something calmly? I'd have gone batshit!!!!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 10/02/2020 15:32

You haven’t noticed any missing underwear or extra in the wash basket, have you, OP? 😉😁

caringcarer · 10/02/2020 15:33

I would say nothing but change the lock. We both leave a spare key in our car locked in the glove boxes.

pickletickled · 10/02/2020 15:33

I'd want to know what he gets up to and where he goes when he's there.
I'd be tempted to put thin masking/medical tape on all doors to rooms he has no business entering and see if they're intact when you return.
But now I'm asking myself would I really want to know

Maybe just changing the lock is the best solution.

rwalker · 10/02/2020 15:37

No big drama fall out or confrontation change the lock should be about £5/£10 look on youtube for video.
get a combination key safe that goes on wall outside for emergancies then if you have to give him the code you can change it afterwards.

Craigm00rnet · 10/02/2020 15:37

My MIL used her key to let her self in whilst me and DH were "upstairs otherwise engaged" She came in and put stuff in the freezer. DH was absolutely fuming and we had to hide. Changed the locks after that.

Chewbecca · 10/02/2020 15:38

It wouldn’t bother me that much, I’m close to my parents and would let myself in to their house for whatever reason and know they would do the same. I wouldn’t be secretive about it though.

A ring doorbell would give you the evidence to ask why each time and give you the opportunity to say ‘actually I’d rather you didn’t use your key for x, y, z’ if you don’t want to take the dramatic options being suggested.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/02/2020 15:38

A one-off to show someone the bathroom I would grudgingly let slide with a stern talking to that they should ask next time. But your neighbour saying he's round at yours all the time when you're not there??? Change the locks pronto!

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 15:39

@messolini9 You make no sense. OP asked whether her response was reasonable. She didn't say, "Only respond if you agree with how I feel."

@NotALurker2 I make perfect sense.
What is the point in popping up on a thread about something which has disturbed the OP, purely to observe that you would not be disturbed by it?

And no, I don't think OP's FIL thinks he's doing something wrong. He feels that his DS's home is his home.
You are missing the point by a country mile again Not.
OP doesn't feel that her home is FiL's home. You also have no idea whether FiL does, & the fact that he's been going in ON THE SLY rather suggests he does not.

Ever heard that saying -- my home is your home?
Can you show me where OP has said that to her FiL?

Some people mean it.
Many people don't say it.

If OP doesn't like it, she should tell her FIL, "I'd appreciate it if you let us know before you come in our house."
Here, we agree. Except ...

Simple.
... it's anything but simple. He's been going round there on the quiet & even taking randoms in - while deliberately not informing her. OP's neighbour know more about the comings & goings to OP's own gaff than OP did!

You would be fine with this. That's your choice. But rocking up to post that the OP ought to share your views, then wittering on with an attempted justification about extended family & boundaries as if everyone ought to instantly start accommodating CF's just because you do is ... batshit.

Ijustwanttoretire · 10/02/2020 15:42

How did he know you weren't in the bath at the time? I occasionally have a day off and have a lovely long silent soak, that could have been very awkward!

IntermittentParps · 10/02/2020 15:42

I’m close to my parents and would let myself in to their house for whatever reason and know they would do the same.
Would either of you bring a mate in though?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 10/02/2020 15:42

Just thought... if you change your locks, has anyone got any ideas on how to stop your DH giving his DF another key?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/02/2020 15:44

I mentioned the bathroom incident to my neighbour who is also a friend and she said "Oh, I thought you knew, he's always at your house when you're out"

Shock

Key back.

NOW!

Piesandpants · 10/02/2020 15:45

My mil invited a group of friends round to ours when she was babysitting my DS at 6 weeks old on our first evening out. It really pissed me off and still annoys me 5 years later! I would be extremely annoyed in your situation.

Jux · 10/02/2020 15:48

"er, FIL, I don't think it's OK to bring people we don't know round to our house when we're out. I'm not sure how I feel about you coming round when we're out either. It feels a bit like a violation of our privacy. Why do you come round when we're out anyway? I thought you had the key in case we were ever locked out or something....."

That's how you start......

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