DH and travelling for work.

[surelyitcantgetworsethanthis]

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

OP, I'm glad your dh is now going to accompany you. I also think you are right to feel hurt. He does not appear to have communicated to you why he made the work travel plans. Instead he turned it on you and called you moody. I suspect that if he had instead talked to you about how difficult things were at work and engaged in a proper conversation where he showed he understood your feelings and regretted being unable to support you, that things would have been different.

I believe the real issue here is that he has withdrawn his emotional support. He seems to be inconvenienced rather than regretful. I would want to see a real change and a willingness to open up with you and listen to how you are feeling. It is perfectly ok for you to need that support. Resilience and independence are worthy values but if we are made to feel worthless for wanting a life partner to be there in our times of need then we may as well be alone.

It perpetuates the view that women need looking after to cope

Everyone needs looking after sometimes. What damages mental health is people being pissed on when they are asking for help.

It doesn't matter one fucking bit what you or I or anyone else would need in this situation. Her husband made a commitment to be there to help her then pulled out, putting his colleague's requirements in front of hers. Whether or not you think she should need help, is that the action of a loving, supportive, respectful partner?

If that is the kind of partner you've settled for and children you've raised, that's embarrassing.

My husband had 11 different investigative procedures in a one year period and of course I was there for every one.

The thing is with procedures is, there is no hard and fast rule as to how a person will react.

He sailed through each of the difficult ones, but was seriously unwell after a relatively straightforward one.

You just don't know.

That's why one would like to think one's spouse would want to be there, just in case....

The idea of anyone I know going in for potentially life changing news on their own is frankly unimaginable.

Wishing you the very best OP💐

Do you have someone else who can go with you? Or will you get a taxi?

He may not change his diary, it may not be poss, though changed it for his colleague. Whoever it was who said "You are simply easier to let down than work", though obv the colleague thought he was easier to let down!

This is what I would do ... I would go on my own but I would let him know he has not been there for you on this occasion and per second sentence in above para ... then I would be expecting him to ask how he can make it up to you ... so start forming a list in your head now ... mine would include several items around the house that need sorting!

"that it wasn't just a full thread of husband bashing"

So that's why you bashed the OP instead
The man was being criticised. How dare we.

This case is nothing to do with specifically women needing support

I'd judge anyone, male or female, who didn't accompany their partner for an operation to prevent cancer, or any other procedure that quite reasonably scared them

• unless their job would be in grave jeopardy and they couldn't get another.

Even then, the OH should be very apologetic, not aggressive about it to the OP

A friend at the gym told me Monday she would be taking a leave day yesterday to support her husband, who was having a consultant's examination

He would have been fit to go himself, but he was nervous about it all and had requested she go in with him

She didn't hesitate in putting him first
That's how a partnership should work

OP, I had several rounds of IVF too and DH would have stuck the needles in his own bollocks if it’d save me the pain. IMO, that should be the minimum required standard for a co-parent.

Hope the procedure goes smoothly.
💐

Family looks after each other.

When MIL received news of growths on her brain we dropped everything and flew 6,000 miles to be with her.

My parents flew 10,000 miles to help my brother when his son had appendicitis and ended up in ICU as it has burst.

Nephew was fine after 2 weeks in hospital thankfully. MIL sadly died exactly 4 weeks after being diagnosed.

All these digs at me I guess you all know me very well.

I guess that non of you knew that my mother was in poor health physically, father was recovering from having cancerous prostate removed & the only other family member that could have gone with family member had just given birth.

My job was hanging on by a thread due to being victimised by arsehole manager having had time off due to long standing illness myself & I had a mortgage application going through which meant I needed the job & employment at the time.

It's lovely that you've all managed 'to just drop everything' to attend at times in need but for some it just isn't as easy as that.

Ironic that lottie is complaining about digs when she was absolutely vile to the OP.

Of course we all know that sometimes you just cannot get out of work stuff but OP’s husband is being a dismissive dick. She needs emotional support on this day only, not 24/7.
YANBU, OP and quite frankly, I’d go with a stranger if they needed support. Good luck.

All these digs at me hmm I guess you all know me very well

You mean like you know the OP and what procedure she’s having? That the OP is demanding and you feel sorry for her husband, the constant narrative you pushed that the higher earned and the OP enjoyed the benefits when it suited her?

But yeah, we haven’t a clue what type of person you are!

@hottielottie not sure you were victimised.
Ever heard the phrase you get what you deserve or you reap what you sow?

OP save your energy for dealing with your DH. I mean that with kindness.

Instead of silly bitchy vibes to me.

Just because I dared have an opinion.

It's lovely that you've all managed 'to just drop everything' to attend at times in need but for some it just isn't as easy as that.

Oh, boo hoo. And this necessitated the bitchy comment about how OP probably enjoys the lifestyle very much except when it doesn't suit her agenda? When she in fact is a high earner herself? Talk about assumptions.

@hottielottie I thought you were bowing out.... better not let your dickhead of a boss catch you on your phone. He might threaten to sack you or did he do that already?
Interesting that you can give it out by the bucket, but you don't like receiving it.
Anyway our little dialogue has cheered me up no end.
Things could be worse I could be in your shoes.

It's lovely that you've all managed 'to just drop everything' to attend at times in need but for some it just isn't as easy as that.

If that was aimed at me, It wasn’t easy. Where did I give that impression?

It was a logistical nightmare. An expensive logistical nightmare that we could ill afford. But we did it anyway.

We spent precious time with an amazing woman who had not yet met her grandchild and cared for her in her time of need. And I’d do it 100 times over for people I cared for.

It's only Hottielottie that's allowed to make assumptions, obvs, 🙄.

Usual story with these obsessive posters, they say they're bowing out but can't help posting. And they're invariably hypocrites, complaining about being able to post their opinion, while denying anyone else the same right. Yawn!

Sexnotgender you sound lovely.

Things could also be worse for me OP.

But at this minute things are good, extremely good you will be pleased to hear : )

You have much bigger problems than me here, save your energy for your DH problems.

Again. Said with kindness

Thank you greenandpleasanter. Had it been FIL we perhaps wouldn’t have been so quick to go... but that’s a whole other story.

MIL was a wonderful woman and DH is just devastated at her sudden death. We couldn’t have lived with ourselves if we hadn’t gone, she needed our help so we went.

hottielottie was unpleasant to you, OP, and I’m sorry. It’s a reflection on her and not you.

You can disagree with someone without making spiteful digs and picking over and over at someone. There have been other people who have thought OP was BU but managed not to attack her.

OP I'm going to bow out now

Such a shame you're not a woman of your word.

Sorry for your loss and your DH's Sexnotgender . I know it's been a comfort to me to know I've done everything I can (along with other close family and friends) for a person that later sadly died, so they know they were loved.

I'm sure it's also a massive comfort for your DH that you were there for him 💕

OP, I hope the procedure goes well. Glad your DH is finally going with you. YANBU to expect that.

I would think carefully if he is the man to step up and prioritise you and your future DC when work demands are pressing. Otherwise you will be building a life of sole responsibility for parenting.

There are some seriously shitty comments on this thread. I'm sure the individuals who post them think they are sooo clever and forthright, but really, they should be ashamed of themselves. Decent people don't behave like this.

I'm not lacking in empathy.

Yes, yes you are. You're bigging up your ego while belittling the misery of another human being, that's pretty much a text book case of lacking empathy.