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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and travelling for work.

231 replies

surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 10/02/2020 07:40

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

OP posts:
MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 10/02/2020 08:31

I'm so sorry OP,

His behaviour is unacceptable. I'm angry for you. Yo are correct that he is more accepting of a colleague's schedule than being there for you. His priority should be your physical & mental well-being

Is he usually like this?

2020newme · 10/02/2020 08:32

To be honest, even if he grudgingly changes his plans and comes now, the damage is done isn't it? Because you now know your place in his list of Life Priorities. Sad

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 10/02/2020 08:33

So today I told him I'm not going alone. So either we check if there is anything sooner or the same week or he accommodates it with work.
I called the dr to see if there was anything this week. But the earliest is the middle of next month.
So the ball is in his court.

OP posts:
BaolFan · 10/02/2020 08:33

Tell him that you are frightened and that he promised to be there.

Ask him to have a think about his priorities, because it was fine for his colleague to not be available, so by insisting he has to do it then he's making an active choice that work is more important than his marriage.

Point out that if he chooses work then he needs to understand that this won't be something you forgive and forget.

Finish by saying that a lecture about being in a 'mood' and blowing things out of proportion would be deeply inappropriate and insensitive now, so if he does it then you will be very disappointed as he is clearly not the man you thought he was.

ittakes2 · 10/02/2020 08:34

I had pre-cancerous cells. Are you having the first procedure where they take a sample or the second procedure where they either burn off cells or cut off some cervix?
For me I wanted my husband there because I did not know what to expect.
The first procedure is pretty much like a pap smear. If you are having just this than its OK he is with you and then he can go as you won't need down time after this. I watched this procedure on the screen.
For the second procedure I had part of my cervix cut off in the chair with a local anasthetic. It's not great as they use a very long needle to put the local injection in and yes I would recommend someone with you for moral support and then to be with you afterwards as you need someone to drive you home and you just want to go lie down.
Although I did not have the cells burnt off so maybe this might be similar to a papsmear.
I am sorry I do agree with you that he needs to step up for you. Sorry he has been so blah.

NurseButtercup · 10/02/2020 08:52

YANBU I'm so sorry you're going through this, what on earth is he thinking?

Flowers
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/02/2020 08:59

YANBU - I think you need to tell him to switch his days to take you. I've had cancer and if my DH hadn't been able to go to the appointment where they discovered it I don't know how I'd even have driven home, never mind anything else. I was in a total blur.

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 10/02/2020 09:04

I might honestly kill him. Have come home from work and I bring it up in conversation while we make supper. His response is let's wait until we've eaten, cleared our heads then we can talk about it.

OP posts:
Sharpandshineyteeth · 10/02/2020 09:08

I so wish I would have noticed these warning signs early in my testing and treatment (not cervical).

It became much more distressing as he prioritised me next less and less and I had to have a melt down everytime I needed him.

Explain again how important it is and if he doesn’t bother or seriously apologises then learn from my experience and reconsider your relationship.

LannieDuck · 10/02/2020 09:13

I agree with others - if he colleague can change the date for 'reasons', then he can change the date because his wife is going into hospital for surgery.

He can do it. So if he chooses not to, that's his choice. He needs to be very clear about that - he's choosing to prioritise a work appointment (that could be moved), over his wife's surgery.

It's like all those threads with men who can't possibly ask for a day's leave to deal with a sick kid. Of course they can, they just choose not to.

MindyStClaire · 10/02/2020 09:14

Geez, whatever happened to in sickness and in health? If your spouse wants you there for a medical appointment, you move heaven and earth to make it.

KittenVsBox · 10/02/2020 09:17

Nope, he cant do that date. The travel needs rearranging again.
I hope all goes well for you, @surelyitcantgetworsethanthis

LimboLandisRubbish · 10/02/2020 09:22

Men are really so rubbish. I have my own thread on my own pathetic marriage at the moment which stems from thoughtlessness and selfishness.

I was 8-months pregnant and bed ridden and living overseas. I couldn't walk. My DH put 3 days of food and water next to my bed and my phone on charge, brought me some books and told me to call his friend's wives if I needed help and then left for a business trip.

Years of putting up with rubbish like this now have me seriously considering separation.

LannieDuck · 10/02/2020 09:30

I don't need him texting me telling me no to blow this out of proportion and that there is no need for a mood.

I'm curious to know when you would be allowed to have a mood?

If your husband prioritising a business meeting (that can be moved) above supporting you through surgery isn't something you're allowed to get upset at... what is?

(Does he really expect to do something shitty, say "don't get a mood", and you'll be fine? Does it apply in reverse (I bet it doesn't)? That doesn't seem to be the recipe for a happy marriage...)

BlingLoving · 10/02/2020 09:34

YANBU. As you say, if it was some super senior boss person in town and he had no choice, but in this case the colleague moved it. It's entirely reasonable for your DH to say, "sorry, that new date won't work for me. could I suggest date x instead?"

MatildaTheCat · 10/02/2020 09:37

Unfortunately I suspect that he’s actually avoiding going with you for whatever reason. It could well be subconscious but he’s actively chosen to not be there.

Has he been traumatised by your previous treatments and losses? Obviously I still think he’s being a massive knob but I would wonder if he just can’t face it?

billy1966 · 10/02/2020 09:42

So sorry for you OP.

Unfortunately situations like this can become game changers in relationships.

The realisation that while they might care for you and think they love you, the really don't.

Please don't distress yourself further about this, make other arrangements, like asking for someone to take the children for the evening and drop them home, fed, later.
Arrange a taxi to collect you and bring you home.

You can do this on your own.
But take some time to have a hard look at your relationship.
He is showing you who he is and exactly what you are to him.

Have a back-up plan.

I bet if you sit and think about this, this incident isn't in isolation.

You are strong than you think and you will get through this.

💐💐💐

TheReef · 10/02/2020 09:43

I'd be annoyed and cross also

I've had the procedure done, whilst it's not particularly pleasant, it's very straight forward and I was in and out fairly quickly. I did mine on my own. Just look after yourself a bit afterwards.

LangSpartacusCleg · 10/02/2020 09:54

This is a hill I would die on.

And I would frame it in terms of ‘your actions show that you place more importance on pleasing your colleague/client than you do me. That is not what I expect in a marriage and not what I expect in a husband.’

LimboLandisRubbish · 10/02/2020 09:56

OP, are you expats in the ME or Asia. I only ask as I recognise the selfish behaviour that stems from massive self importance.

DesperateElf · 10/02/2020 09:59

Difficult one. How much do you know and understand his work situation? I'd ask more about what meeting this is and what the consequences of rearranging it are. Best case scenario is he's under pressure and caved in to make a good impression. Worst case scenario is if this meeting doesn't happen, the business goes under. There's lots of possibilities in between these two extremes as well.

Comparison to a colleague stuffing it is unfair. The problem with being the boss is people who work for you do things you don't want them to do all the time, and ultimately you have only so much power to change this as an employer, within legal and professional boundaries. It's not uncommon for a boss to turn up and do all the dirty/urgent work when his people are not.

If you go to your appointment on your own, is there something that could make it up to you later? A treat like a spa or shopping trip together, for example? It's not the same as support during and after the procedure, but could it work?

Sending good vibes x

TeaForTara · 10/02/2020 10:07

The fact that other women have had the procedure on their own and been fine is irrelevant. Others have not been fine afterwards.

The only relevant things are that the OP wants her DH there, he promised her that he would be there, he is in charge of his own work calendar, and he has now arranged a meeting where not only is he at work that day but he is actually travelling away from home so won't even be back at night.

YANBU, OP. He is being a total arse. In your shoes I would go ballistic.

MamaGee09 · 10/02/2020 10:07

My dh knows I’m pretty laid back about things however this is a deal breaker for me. If he knew I had to go alone then he would be by my side whether it’s letting other down or not. Family and health are more important than work.

Your dh needs to realise where his priorities should be, if his colleague can change work days then so can your dh.

PlausibleSuit · 10/02/2020 10:09

(DH lost his mum young to cancer)

Could this have something to do with it?

It's clearly no excuse whatsoever.

But it might give at least some context as to why he's allowing a relatively thin work situation to take priority here. How old was he when his mum died?

If it was me (?were me) I'd be telling him I expected him to be there on the date in question and making the work situation his problem. But that's just me

Sorry you're going through this, OP. Flowers Brew

TeaForTara · 10/02/2020 10:10

Also this:

I'm curious to know when you would be allowed to have a mood?

If your husband prioritising a business meeting (that can be moved) above supporting you through surgery isn't something you're allowed to get upset at... what is?

(Does he really expect to do something shitty, say "don't get a mood", and you'll be fine? Does it apply in reverse (I bet it doesn't)? That doesn't seem to be the recipe for a happy marriage...)

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