DH and travelling for work.

[surelyitcantgetworsethanthis]

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

Sorry you are facing this on your own, surelyitcantgetworsethanthis, when you wanted him there for support.
I hope you are going to go on the scheduled date anyway.
How much support would he be if he was there? On his phone, huffing, looking bored, being slightly rude? Being the big important business man?
You might be better without him there.
When will it be? We can all think of you. I know it's not the same, but it might give you a nugget of comfort.

A couple of stitches in a cut with local, most wouldn’t need emotional or physical support.

Why have you appointed yourself as the empathy police? You may not need support but that doesn't mean someone else doesn't.

OP's DH has let her down, she isn't being unreasonable, and hopefully she's ignoring the cool wives club.

I think YABU.

I get he said he’d be there and changed his mind. I get that’s disappointing but I don’t get it’s the crime of the century. Maybe he felt unreasonably pressured. Maybe he read around the issue and realised it wasn’t as big a deal as presented.

We’ll only have one version of the story, won’t we?

On the surface I cannot see why an adult would need someone with them for a very minor procedure.

Maybe he read around the issue and realised it wasn’t as big a deal as presented

Did the OP mention he was a doctor?

On the surface I cannot see why an adult would need someone with them for a very minor procedure

Again have I missed where the OP gave details as to the procedure?

Or are we simply inventing things so we can give ourselves a teensy pat on the back as to how resilient we are?

I get that’s disappointing but I don’t get it’s the crime of the century

Because the bar of how reasonable adults behave is so mind-numbingly low on MN.

Who has any knowledge it's minor.
Who knows if there are any additional complications that might make this difference.
Who knows if they told me to bring someone with me.
I'm not adverse to pain and discomfort, I had 4 yes 4 rounds of IVF under local. Not GA.
In the same token if a child was getting an award at school and DH picked work over them would you all chime in 'well it's hardly the oscars or their PhD graduation'
Ultimately I wanted him there and he wasn't. End of story.
So for those of you have offered practical support, thank you. As it stands, he is coming with me. Not sure if he'll do a 'dump and dash' but if he does, then that's a whole other conversation and probably with a lawyer.
To those nasty little school yard bullies who like to throw names around, I hope that gave you a little thrill in your dull little lives.

I'm sorry the spiteful bullies got such a kick out of being nasty to you. It looks like someone has reported at least one of them. Good luck

Some of you seem very unkind. No one should have to go to a medical procedure on there own, even if apparently relatively minor.

I've done it myself and regretted it when the pain was much worse than expected and struggling to drive home sobbing.

If my DH said he'd be there then blew me off I'd be evaluating whether he cared about me.

For you 'brave' people you don't get to decide what is or isn't right for others. You're implying the OP is being a drama queen in quite a nasty way. You may feel differently but don't invalidate someone else's views.

I am sorry OP, whatever anyone says, I would be upset if I was in your position. I wouldn't consider it a 'minor procedure' - I really struggle with smear tests and know I would find this really tough. That doesn't mean I am wimpy or like to make a fuss, but we all find different things hard, and this is hard for you.

My DH had a gastroscopy, which some may consider a 'minor procedure' as sedation is optional. But I still thought it was a rotten thing to have to go through and was happy to take a days leave to drive him so he could have sedation. 30 years together means we have supported each other through so many of lives ups and downs, small as well as major.And how you treat someone for the small things is a pretty good indication of how much they will care when the chips are down.

So in that respect, regardless of the procedure, there is nothing minor about your DH's dissmissive behaviour towards you when you wanted his support.

You know there is something good about your relationship when you can say, 'I don't want to do this alone' and your partner steps up. Medical procedures can be scary. You shouldn't have to beg him OP and now it feels to me like he's doing it under sufferance. Everyone deserves more in their relationship. Do people lie on their deathbed and say, 'so glad I made that work trip that other people dodged out of' or 'so glad I was there for the people I love and they were there for me'. We only get one life.

Your dp/dh is the one person who should always be there for you. If they can't be there when you need them, what's the point. Yanbu op, hope it all works out for you.

Totally understand what you mean OP.
Ignore the idiots who are being purposely obtuse. This is not about how resilient you are; it's about your husband being a true life partner and showing he is there when you need him.
I hope he comes through for you.

I’m glad he’s going. Afterwards perhaps you should sit down and remind him of all the reasons he gave why it’s hard to change and ask if perhaps he should look for a new job? In a caring tone. Because you aren’t sure if he’s told you that he will only ever prioritise you if you kick up a stink, and that’s after some condescending bullshit about don’t be in a mood. So maybe his job isn’t compatible. It won’t be there for him when he’s old.

I don’t really mean he has to change jobs, it’s just a way of saying very pointedly that jobs aren’t everything and that he had better remember next time that I’m your priority, not this job.

OP, what the procedure entails aside, there’s nothing wrong with expecting emotional support from a husband. I’m really resilient and have a very high pain threshold and have had things happen to me in the past where I’ve just needed my husband there. And he has been.

In your shoes, I’d find it very hard to come back from this. I’d also be questioning myself as to whether having children with him is wise.

Why post in AIBU if the only acceptable answer is YANBU?

"A couple of stitches in a cut with local, most wouldn’t need emotional or physical support."

When having pre-cancerous cells removed it is perfectly reasonable to expect emotional & physical support, taking over childcare responsibilities etc
...... from the person who promised to love and cherish you

It's not like she wants him to postpone his trip because it's date night

The OP's DH needs to wake up and change his priorities

What reason is there to prioritise an unscheduled work trip over accompanying the OP to a procedure that obviously scares her - and would scare almost any of us ?

OP, I can see it from both sides.

You’re obviously feeling hurt and upset that he’s said he would be there and is likely not to be, and for some reason and my gut feeling is that he hasn’t lied to you intentionally.
If he manages, the person he works with has rearranged and that meeting would put the onus on the manager, your DP to attend. It seems like ultimately the buck stops with him in regards to this and some meetings just can’t be rearranged - either it could lead to a large contract or the attendees cant/won’t change (which sounds likely given his colleague hasn’t been able to change it to a different day/time).

So as much as he should be there to support you, he’s caught between a rock and a hard place too. What if this contract led to a lot of business for him? There’s the option for you to rearrange if you really want him there and can’t do it without him, but if not then it may well be you have to go alone.

It’s one of the sacrifices you have being with someone who travels a lot for work, there’s a lot of give and take and sometimes they can’t be there for things. But there’ll be other times he will be there and available, just not this one.

I also hope your surgery goes well, and that you manage to sort it out with him.

I would be very clear with what you need. If he refuses, then you know that Any rifts that result are not due to misunderstanding.

Lay it out clearly. Something like
I need you to take me to my appointment and wait with me, not doing any work.
While I am having the procedure, please stay at the hospital, but pass the time as you choose.
Join me in recovery when allowed and help me get instructions from the doctor.

Take me home and help me get set up somewhere comfy and get me whatever food I think I can handle.
Stay with me for the night just in case there are complications or I just need help or comfort.
Leave the house no earlier than 9am the next day, after first checking that I am ok.

No idea why OP has posted in AIBU either as clearly the only response allowed here is that she is NOT B U.

I'm not allowed my opinion which I've expressed, been called a witch & that I'm lacking in empathy

Still such a minor procedure either way & such a great deal of fuss made.

OP won't state which procedure it is & likes the constant merry go round over the guessing game whether it could be the more invasive one or not ?

I feel for the DH, he has not only had to deal with the cock up of a colleague, he now has to balance putting that right with demands from his wife whilst trying to juggle his job & work.

Is OP being U? Who knows as clearly no opinions welcome here.

@surelyitcantgetworsethanthis ((((((((Soft soft Hugs)))))))🌼

PP: I’m not lacking in empathy
Also PP: Still such a minor procedure either way & such a great deal of fuss made.

With such a remarkable insight into the lives of others through a screen I’d be employing my psychic talents to win the lottery.

It doesn’t matter what the procedure is, I went with my ex-husband to have a minor procedure done. At the least it’s basic human kindness, at the most it’s what friends (and in the case of the OP supposed loving partners) do.

Life isn’t a race to see just how much you can cope with alone - if you think that’s something to be lauded, I feel really sorry for you.

I feel for the DH, he has not only had to deal with the cock up of a colleague, he now has to balance putting that right with demands from his wife whilst trying to juggle his job & work

Simple question - why is he putting the colleague before his wife?