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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and travelling for work.

231 replies

surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 10/02/2020 07:40

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

OP posts:
PerkyPomPoms · 12/02/2020 08:30

It doesn’t matter if it’s a minor or a major procedure. Op wants her husband to put her first and he has chosen, gone out of his way even, to prioritise his work over her. I’d be bloody annoyed too.

hottielottie · 12/02/2020 08:34

To put things into perspective - a close family member of mine has a growth/cyst on brain which obviously requires regular specialist appointments. Close family member asked another family member if he/she could get day off from work to accompany her to said specialist appointment as this appointment in particular was the results of whether the mass had grown or not. Unfortunately no close family members could get day off from work at such short notice & family member attended the appointment alone.... yes not ideal, but family member went regardless.

No fuss was made, the family member just did what she had to do.

Sometimes it's difficult to deal with day to day/spouse demands whilst trying to hold down a full time job .... OP needs a husband who doesn't work, and/or is able to provide cuddles, hand hold & cups of tea on request for such a snowflake procedure. OP probably enjoys the benefits of DH being in such a big wig job but on this occasion it doesn't suit her.

Swings & roundabouts. That's life I'm afraid.

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 12/02/2020 08:35

Ultimately regardless of what I'm having done I'll get the following responses, so it's irrelevant.

Minor procedure, to prevent cancer: how utterly pathetic of you, I just lift my dress up and get the receptionist to do it for me in the waiting room. Stop making it all about you.

Major surgery, to stop the spread of cancer: as above, I ran a marathon as soon as I came round from GA. Then back to my job as a PHD academic the next day, so as not to disrupt my six figure salary package. DH was far to busy & important in the city to help, so I didn't bother him with such tedious details. That would be a sign of weakness!

@hottielottie - glad you're awake again. Your assumptions are such a joy. Who called you a witch. I must have missed that! That's a dialogue I would have appreciated!

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/02/2020 08:38

@hottielottie your family sounds lovely if none of you decided to accompany a family member with a growth on the brain to the hospital.

If my family member (not even necessarily a close one) was going through that, hell if my neighbour was going through that, and my work wouldn't let me have the day off, I'd phone in sick.

There are more important things in life than work and I'm glad I don't have to deal with your families level of moral support. You sound bloody awful.

Fefifofaff · 12/02/2020 08:39

OP, you may want to start a new thread in Relationships. Not guaranteed to be less nasty these days but a better chance han AIBU.

I hope he is there and supportive but I think his attitude would be hard to forget or forgive.

aroundtheworldyet · 12/02/2020 08:40

I’m glad he’s coming with you. At some point in a relationship you’ve got to let the other person know that support is needed if they can’t seem to see if naturally. If after pointing it out the problem persists then that’s a whole other story.
Don’t let the nobheads on MN get it you. It’s just so typical. And quite frankly rather boring!!

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 12/02/2020 08:43

@hottielottie
My DH and I both enjoy the trappings of 'our big wig roles' our household ratio is 44/56%
So no I'm not a kept woman (you love an assumption)

Your family sound charming .....

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 12/02/2020 08:43

@hottielottie
That’s not putting things into perspective. That’s just an awful family you’re a member of. Christ I went to the hospital with an elderly neighbour, all of us took turns and rallied round. Between you all, you can’t even do it for family. Wow just wow.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 08:46

No fuss was made, the family member just did what she had to do

Poor woman. Not a family I would be pleased to be part of.

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2020 08:47

Another example for hottielottie, a cousin was recently hospitalised travelling in the states with his girlfriend and a couple of my siblings each offered to get friends who would be complete strangers to my cousin to visit. To make him feel looked after. That’s how normal kind people operate. I’m sorry about your fuckedup family.

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 12/02/2020 08:48

@hottielottie what on earth do you do for work that meant you couldn't be there for a close family member when they potentially received earth shattering news.
God and I thought DH was bad!

OP posts:
Yeahwhatevs · 12/02/2020 08:49

I'm not allowed my opinion which I've expressed, been called a witch & that I'm lacking in empathy hmm

Empathy is being able to see something from someone else's perspective, from their situation, not yours. So yes, I do think you lack empathy because you think the OP should react how you would and anything else is '[making] such a great deal of fuss', [being] a snowflake' etc.

And you don't like other people having an opinion about your opinion. Tough, really.

OP just ignore Hottielottie. She's got a bee in her bonnet for some reason. I wonder if she has a 'Big Job' or is a cool wife to someone who does. Anyway, I'm not pursuing that further as we're apparently not supposed to (make things up) speculate about her, only you.

I hope your husband steps up on the day and doesn't huff and puff. Sometimes when we're ill or vulnerable it really throws into relief the quality of our relationships.

Yeahwhatevs · 12/02/2020 08:51

And I agree with others about your relative. Just because she didn't dare to 'make a fuss' doesn't mean she wasn't deeply hurt.

hottielottie · 12/02/2020 08:54

OP my boss was an arsehole & wouldn't allow me the day off as there was too many people off that day. I thought about calling in sick but arseholing boss would have crucified me for it. Family member insisted she was ok with it & would go on her own & we would deal with the news/results as a family later that day. Luckily it was good news.

aroundtheworldyet · 12/02/2020 08:55

@hottielottie
Just stop seriously

Learn when to walk away, for your own good if no one else’s!!!

MumW · 12/02/2020 08:57

What did he say when you asked why it is ok to move things around to accomodate his colleague but not him?

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 12/02/2020 08:59

@hottielottie
I wouldn't work for someone who treated me like that. You can't be sacked for being off sick/family emergency. The consultant your family member saw would have given you a sick line (fact) which legally would have justified your absence.
Perhaps you're weak and not able to stand up for yourself?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/02/2020 09:01

Based on the latest update hottielottie actually agrees the dh is a super mega asshole. If her boss is an asshole, them when in the ops case it’s the guys own wife not a relative of his team member he definitely scores 5 star asshole rating from hottielottie.

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 12/02/2020 09:02
Grin
OP posts:
hottielottie · 12/02/2020 09:04

And FYI many times I've accompanied my mum to the hospital, as she was clearly unwell. So when it's needed, as a family we do rally around to provide support.

Just on some occasions, unfortunately it's not been possible.But had the news been terrible on that occasion mentioned previously, there's no doubt I would have left work early that day due to being too upset to carry on at work. Family member is much like myself, until bad news is given carry on as normal & we will deal with the outcome when it arrives... which is what we did that day.

I'm loving all the assumptions made about me Wink so un true but hey ho Grin

I'm just trying to get my point across which is sometimes that jobs do prevent spouses from being able to be there 24/7.

Yeahwhatevs · 12/02/2020 09:08

Yeah, we've all got your point Hottielottie. We just don't agree.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 09:10

But had the news been terrible on that occasion mentioned previously, there's no doubt I would have left work early that day due to being too upset to carry on at work

So you could have left work for your benefit, but not to support the family member Grin

I'm just trying to get my point across which is sometimes that jobs do prevent spouses from being able to be there 24/7

Yeah...if only the OP's husband was in charge and able to manage his own diary.

hammeringinmyhead · 12/02/2020 09:15

Sometimes it's difficult to deal with day to day/spouse demands whilst trying to hold down a full time job .... OP needs a husband who doesn't work, and/or is able to provide cuddles, hand hold & cups of tea on request for such a snowflake procedure. OP probably enjoys the benefits of DH being in such a big wig job but on this occasion it doesn't suit her.

I read this with an open mouth. What an awful person you are.

I have taken a colleague to hospital before for moral support. My mum recently took her neighbour. It's what you do to be nice, let alone for your own spouse.

I bet you're in one of those "stuff upper lip" families who could never possibly mention suffering from any mental or physical health issues until on one's deathbed because one shouldn't "fuss".

Original poster
surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 12/02/2020 09:18

@hottielottie
I'm sorry but I flew home when my DDad needed spinal surgery.
When DSis went into (very) early labour I sent a leave form to HR with a resignation told them to pick and left on the first flight.
That is what family does !
Your poor mum.

OP posts:
hottielottie · 12/02/2020 09:20

OP I'm going to bow out now lol Smile

I hope your treatment goes well & that you get the support that you need Thanks

At the very least you've heard two sides to this now... which is that some people just can't accommodate to support due to work diaries etc & that it wasn't just a full thread of husband bashing.

Life is difficult sometimes trying to find a balance to keep everybody happy.

Wishing you well Thanks

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