DH and travelling for work.

[surelyitcantgetworsethanthis]

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

I agree its not a big procedure. I would not have asked my dh to be around for something like that but i get you are annoyed

@BreasticlesNotTesticles I'm extremely close to my mum but she is 24 hours away so it's impossible.
@DragonNight I'm emotionally very resilient thank you, 4 rounds (multiple failures) will do that to a person.

Yes if it’s a cone biopsy under GA then you would need someone to drive you home. You haven’t mentioned GA though and he wouldn’t be there during the procedure for that.
Needing him to give you injections also sounds a bit like learned helplessness, I’m afraid.

Ah here we go. A good old MN pile on.

Lacking resilience?! It's not a fucking broken nail! It's having at best a layer of skin lasered from your bloody cervix!

I rather suspect resilience is better than helplessness so no hang ups at all. BreasticlesNotTesticles I rather think making ourselves overly dependent undermines our confidence to cope and diminishes mental health. It perpetuates the view that women need looking after to cope. Not good for individuals or women more generally.

Helplessness? IVF is a horrible process that was being done to benefit both parents. It's not needing "help" to ask for the injections. It's a joint endeavour. But God forbid the partner with a penis has to get out of bed and do something he's uncomfortable with. "I don't want to hurt you" my arse.

For those that’s saying it’s only a minor procedure, the OP is looking for some support from her dh, who cares if it’s a minor procedure!

I wouldn’t be happy either, I hope you can sort something out . His work sounds his main priority.

I think asking for support when needed improves mental health and builds resilience.

I also think a partner putting a work appt in front of an invasive medical intervention is uncaring and lacking any consideration for the OP. As do most people who don't have chips on their shoulders about independent women

YANBU to be upset that he has gone back on his word . If it’s smear test related pre cancerous cell removal then I would say making life very difficult for your husband ( especially when his work involves lots of travelling) for such a simple procedure is unreasonable though.

I agree its not a big procedure. I would not have asked my dh to be around for something like that but i get you are annoyed

It's not really the point though, is it?
If I was going through similar I'd expect DP to be there.
Just because you're a 'strong independent woman' doesn't mean you can't lean on someone when you're scared.

Well, I think the only relevant question in these situations is, if they asked you to be there for them, in similar circs, would you, even at personal inconvenience? If it's yes for you and no for them, what you have is a one-sided relationship and that's not good. Good luck, OP. Have you a friend you can ask to go along? I have done a number of unpleasant day case things and have sometimes gone alone but other times with DH or DM. A kind neighbour took care of my DD one time so DH could pick me up. You do need support but if your DH is selfish and unreliable, you will have to seek it elsewhere.

Emotional resilience so both people in a partnership can give emotional support and not fall apart during tough times = excellent. But it's not my definition of "resilient" to carry on solo when you signed up to getting through life's ups and downs together.

Each of us will find some things hard that other people would sail through, and vice versa. But the deal in a committed relationship is that you each love and support the other through what's tough for them even if you don't experience it the same way.

If I said to my partner "I am scared about X, I need you with me" I would expect them to do their utmost to be there, regardless of whether they or anyone else thought I had the right to be scared about it. And I would do the same for them. Sometimes it's genuinely impossible and you need to find alternatives, but I would expect a sensible chat about that, not to be shut down and patronised that my reactions are "a mood".

This is not the sort of loving, supportive partnership you're getting - and you deserve better.

OP sounds like a total drama lama to me. There are numerous examples of this in her posts ....

can make a fairly educated guess that his version of 'sort it means' he'll still go on the Monday claiming that he had not choice'
This has happened once before, he travelled with work on a Sunday without telling me. (He did not want to 'upset me') I was on my way back from a hen do,

This /\

I mean god forbid the man 'had to leave for work' before you got back from the hen do. No wonder he left before you arrived as her didn't want to upset you' if I was him I would have scurried off too! And to hell with you having to call a locksmith because you forgot your keys

Your clues here give me an insight OP. Poor bloke probably spends his life on eggshells trying not to upset you.

Your DH is trying to balance your demands with working is what it looks like to me.

If your DH's colleague can say "oh I can't do that date" then so can your DH.

I think you phone and say you're not asking, you're telling him to move his meeting. He can and he will.

It's easy for me to say I wouldn't stand for this because my DH would never do this for me (and isn't in an important enough job to need to fly somewhere for "important" meetings). But I'd feel very let down and annoyed, especially when perfectly decent videoconferencing facilities exist these days.

@hottielottie
Oh I had no idea you were there when my DH took a pre-planned trip with work and neglected to tell me.
Hardly a last minute call into work because someone called in sick.

So today I told him I'm not going alone. So either we check if there is anything sooner or the same week or he accommodates it with work.
I called the dr to see if there was anything this week. But the earliest is the middle of next month.
So the ball is in his court.

This /\

Here you are OP playing with fire, refusing to go to a simple routine procedure unaccompanied.

You said you wasn't delaying the procedure due to not getting hand hold, cuddles & cup of tea but it's here clear as day that you are considering delaying.

We have a family member like you in our family .... and it's exhausting.

Oh god there’s nothing more tedious than the “I had a procedure done, then ran a marathon whilst simultaneously fitting a days work into an hour and was fine doncha know” brigade.

If you have taken from the OP that the nature of the procedure is the most important point, you might be totes great at medical procedures but your comprehension needs work.

YANBU OP. He’s shown you very clearly where you are in his priority list.

In sickness and in health. It’s a marriage vow. He needs to get his priorities straight or you need to consider if he’s for you in the long term.

Don’t push back the appt as a negotiating tool / threat, you’re gambling with your life.

OP, please don't pay any attention to poster's whom just love to make massive judgements and sweeping statements with the information you posted.

You asked for support, a very normal healthy thing to do in a good marriage.
He has rejected this.
You asked before with the injections and you were roundly rejected. Frankly unbelievable considering what you were putting yourself through....4 times🙄

I really feel for you and the huge disappointment you are trying to manage.

It's very upsetting when someone you care about shows you baldly exactly who they are.

I honestly wouldn't say another word about it.

I would plan to get away asap and take some time to think.

Have a look at your paperwork to see that everything is in order.

Unless he was prepared to invest in marriage counseling I would be taking it that this marriage doesn't really have a future.

Of course it could limp on for years but I think this will have left such a mark on you on top of the other let downs that it will be soured irrevocably.

He sounds like a really Fairweather Husband.
Someone who is there for you, but only if it doesn't inconvenience him in the slightest.

Not someone to depend on.
And frankly not someone I would be going out of my way to put myself out for.

Infact, I would have a look at the all and any way you make his life easier and I would completely withdraw from them. Completely.

Marriage is a two way track.
If all the support is coming from one direction, it's actually going nowhere.

I think you are upset as you are because this is a pattern that you can clearly see and you are kicking yourself for investing in it.

Well, get through this and then take his lead and pull back and have a good hard look at your life.

Do you really want to live so far away from support when he obviously does not have your back?

This would be a huge question for me. Are you investing in a life together in a place where you haven't any support raising a family. Because he isn't going to step up.

All in all, very difficult for you to think about but I think you really have to.

Wishing you strength 💐💐

DragonNight and you are just mean with that comment!

It’s not about the specifics of why OP requested support.
It’s about her husband promising support then taking it away and making no effort to resolve this and treating her as unreasonable for being upset about it.

OP - out of interest can you come up with any examples where your husband has supported you when you needed it at any inconvenience to himself?

Good job, let’s kick our fellow women when they’re upset and scared. Fucking bravo.

OP I hope everything goes well, your husband sounds like a selfish knob.

Once again, it's not about the procedure and it's totally irrelevant whether anyone else has been fine with having it on their own.

It's about the OP asking DH for support during something she is scared about, him promising to be there, then arranging a work thing so he can't be there. It's about DH's willingness to rearrange a meeting to accommodate a colleague's change of plans, but not being willing to rearrange a meeting to accommodate the OP's appointment that he has already made a commitment to attend.

Even worse that he now won't talk about it. Eat first, we'll talk later. Then when "later" comes, still won't talk, but will "sort it". But he hasn't sorted it. He's just saying "Shut up and stop bothering me, I don't care about you" isn't he.

The pile on here is horrible. Bravo if you don't need support for specific things. But op does want her husband's support, she feels she needs it.

I couldn't inject myself either, I'm scared of needles and would not physically be able to do it. I would also expect it to hurt more doing it yourself as you'd hesitate. Again, she wanted her husband's support. That's not helplessness, it's a supportive marriage

There is no pile on. Is simply a different matter of opinion. If OP doesn't isn't prepared for some of the posters not to be ' ohh ahh you poor thing' OP shouldn't post on an open forum.

Op sounds like hard work. I said it earlier, it really is a simple procedure.