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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and travelling for work.

231 replies

surelyitcantgetworsethanthis · 10/02/2020 07:40

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

OP posts:
BaolFan · 11/02/2020 17:10

I said it earlier, it really is a simple procedure

I must have missed the update where OP shared exactly what it was she was having done so that you could provide a medical assessment.

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2020 17:10

Op sounds like hard work. I said it earlier, it really is a simple procedure

Where does the OP state what the procedure is?

Ginfordinner · 11/02/2020 17:15

Where does the OP state what the procedure is?

You took the words out of my mouth JacquesHammer and BaolFan. There have been some massive assumptions on this thread Hmm

And you are completely lacking in empathy hottielottie Hmm

All the OP said was that the appointment was at school pick up time.

ChipotleBlessing · 11/02/2020 17:15

Even if it was the procedure you’re assuming it is, can you not see why that might be more distressing for someone with four recent failed IVFs than for others? TBH I suspect you’re either the OP’s DH or the kind of emotional deadzone no one would turn to for support anyway.

hottielottie · 11/02/2020 17:23

I'm not lacking in empathy.

I just can't be doing with these people that think the world revolves around them & they insist on all this fuss, fuss & fuss. It gets tiring providing the fuss, the more you provide the more it's expected of you. How about saving the fuss for times when it's really needed eh?

Ginfordinner · 11/02/2020 17:24

Oh yes you are Grin

BaolFan · 11/02/2020 17:25

It gets tiring providing the fuss, the more you provide the more it's expected of you. How about saving the fuss for times when it's really needed eh?

Sounds like you are projecting your own experiences on to the OP, which is hardly fair given that you know very little about her.

hottielottie · 11/02/2020 17:26

OP's husband isn't going to change.
She needs to either accept this or arrange to move on & deal with it. You can't force someone to be all ' oh I will drop everything right now for your minor procedure' they are either like that or they are not.

BaolFan · 11/02/2020 17:28

A) you don't know it's a minor procedure, as she hasn't said exactly what she's having done. So unless you have access to her medical records you have no way of knowing whether the procedure is minor or not.

B) that's a bit of a sea change from your previous posts telling OP that she is "hard work" and a "drama llama" and calling her husband a "poor bloke" who "probably walks around on egg shells".

hottielottie · 11/02/2020 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

4amWitchingHour · 11/02/2020 17:33

@hottielottie - you're projecting massively all over this situation, and are being fucking nasty.

BaolFan · 11/02/2020 17:34

"I'm not lacking in empathy"

Right.

You realise that continually posting like this makes you sound rather spiteful and as if you have an axe to grind. Which is quite unattractive in itself when you consider the OP is dealing with some upsetting health news - and a surprising approach from someone who claims to have experienced that situation themselves.

Yeahnah2020 · 11/02/2020 17:35

Wow some of you are right nasty bitc*hes. Everyone read suppprt in different ways. The issue is, the OP needs and wants support. Her husband can change his schedule (FFS it’s only one meeting) BUT he doesn’t want to and isn’t prioritising her. She’s allowed to be upset. This would be a deal breaker for me OP.

hottielottie · 11/02/2020 17:43

I think you would all be better in trying to help OP deal with her DH rather than trying to unravel my life/thoughts & experiences Just saying Hmm

BaolFan · 11/02/2020 17:50

I think you would all be better in trying to help OP deal with her DH rather than trying to unravel my life/thoughts & experiences Just saying

That's exactly what people were doing - and have continued to do. You are the one who decided to wade in and start picking a fight with the OP by being really unpleasant.

If you are so concerned about the OP's welfare then perhaps you should stop calling her names?

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 11/02/2020 17:53

No YANBU

That's plan wrong OP

You should come before any meeting and he booked it into his calendar weeks ago . No, Yanbu at all.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 11/02/2020 17:53

Plain

ArsenicNLace · 11/02/2020 17:55

It's really irrelevant what the procedure is. The OP asked her husband to accompany just maybe for a bit of emotional support if nothing else. He promised he would and then reneged on that promise made worse by the fact his colleague was unable to make the previous appointment.

How come his colleague can cancel but not the husband. Just screams that he takes you for granted & you're just not a priority.

I'd be really hurt & upset too especially after all you've been through x

EggysMom · 11/02/2020 17:56

DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week.

DH also cannot make it "for whatever reason" so it will need to be moved again.

AIBU to be completely livid.

No.

CherryPavlova · 11/02/2020 18:02

It’s not irrelevant what the procedure is though, is it?
A couple of stitches in a cut with local, most wouldn’t need emotional or physical support. Unless it’s under GA the procedure is probably less invasive.
If it’s a core biopsy or bronchoscopy then I can see you’re more likely to want a companion.

Not every job means you can drop or rearrange meetings fretting be supportive. If he were a teacher or GP it might be difficult. It depends how frequently that support is needed.

foodandwine89 · 11/02/2020 18:07

He has really failed you. I think you will need to be strong (again!), have the procedure and then reconsider the relationship. Put the latter out of your mind for now and when you’re strong enough come back and re-read this thread to remind you how badly he treated you. Take one step at a time. You are absolutely not unreasonable. What you said about the injections is shocking - it’s hard to admit that your life partner is treating you like shit. So hard. You keep giving him more chances, making excuses. Maybe this was the last straw. Your call, we’re here for you and good luck with the op.

crimsonlake · 11/02/2020 18:07

He is letting you down when you need him. Yes, you could go alone as many do, but you want his support.
For me it would depend how he is generally, does he usually support you?
If the answer is no, then I would personally think carefully about the future. You might forgive him, if he does indeed not attend with you but from experience the resentment is always there and eats away at the relationship.

BaolFan · 11/02/2020 18:08

Cherry the issue is that he's lied. He promised the OP he'd go and told her it was blocked out in his calendar. The meeting was not convenient for a colleague so he has agreed to go, but has lied to the OP by telling her that he would "sort it" when in fact he has travel booked for the day of her appointment.

Presumably if he was a teacher or a GP then OP's expectations would have been different. But in this case the issue has been caused by his lies and his attitude.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/02/2020 18:12

@CherryPavlova the issue is that he promised he'd be there and now he's gone back on his word

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2020 18:17

You can't force someone to be all ' oh I will drop everything right now for your minor procedure' they are either like that or they are not

Except that he clearly promised he would.

Not every job means you can drop or rearrange meetings fretting be supportive

Rather irrelevant again. The OP’s husband had specifically blocked the time to support her. Then he decided she wasn’t the priority.

His communication is absolutely appalling

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