DH and travelling for work.

[surelyitcantgetworsethanthis]

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

I agree with others - if he colleague can change the date for 'reasons', then he can change the date because his wife is going into hospital for surgery.

Piling on to agree with this.

YANBU, my husband has a similar role (he also manages a worldwide team who travel themselves) and he would absolutely not be travelling on that day. It's easy enough to say 'I'm sorry but my wife is having surgery that day, so I cannot travel that week.' He wouldn't expect any of his team to travel then either.

Surely it depends on the meeting. It might the client who is refusing a different date, maybe it's a massive deal that would be harmful to the company if missed.

If the above is indeed the situation, then I think you are a bit dramatic. It's not life threatening surgery and although I can understand it would be nice to have him with you, sometimes business as to come first in such instance.

Also piling on to the if his colleague can change the date, why can’t he?
Feel so upset for you OP. He’s clearly showing where you come in his priorities!!

Are you having it under anaesthetic? I had the same fine but in the gynaecologist’s rooms. It was unpleasant but didn’t require any form of sedation/anaesthetic. I had one who was 8 weeks at the time and just took the them in the pram with the receptionist agreeing to take them if they started cracking it (was prearranged with gynaecologist and receptionist, I was not a CF that just showed up with a baby in pram and expected everyone to deal). I just waited in the waiting room for a bit after, gave bub a feed etc. It wasn’t an issue and I wouldn’t have asked DH to take time off work. You don’t get results on day re staging and margins etc, you get those later after pathology which may be a better time to have DH around just in case?

I agree with Plausible .It may be that he doesnt want to go with you for this reason .Still not a good enough excuse though.

I'd understand if his job was at risk and you'd jointly discussed and agreed it would be best for him not to take any time off. But a meeting which can be rearranged and that one colleague has already ducked out of because it's not convenient? It would be a deal breaker for me.

This is one of those times when work really doesn't need to come first. It's not a cold, it's pre cancerous cells, of course you need him there. Even if he went the following day, it'd be much better and at least he'd be there. He's totally unreasonable.

His attitude is the problem here and for me, the damage would be done - there’s no going back on the fact that he promised he’d be there and said there’s no way he wouldn’t be there...and yet, here he is, not only letting you down but even worse being a complete wanker as well ‘no need to be in a mood’ & telling you not to blow it out of proportion.

What a wanker. Shows you exactly what he thinks of you.

You’ve put him under pressure to attend with you, so he might, but you’re always going to know that when you needed him he wasn’t there for you. That really should be a deal breaker, but I guess like many people, you’ll just brush it under the rug until one day you realise you’ve wasted your life with someone who doesn’t deserve you 😣

It doesn’t matter what the appointment is for or how many people would be happy to go on their own...what matters is him saying he would be there, then choosing not to be when he knows how much it means to you AND how worried he should be about you - as he was ‘faking’ being originally,

DH and I had a massive spat.
His response was, can you find a different private dr?
He then proceeded to give me all the reasons as to why it's so hard for him to balance his travel and work.
He said he'll 'sort it' but made no guarantee that he won't travel on that day.
He is a complete self centred knob.
I've left him down stairs watching some drivel on the TV while I watch the most amazing storm from my bed!
Utter wanker.
Feeling very unloved right now .....

This is it. DP travels a lot, and I freelance so I can keep my career - ie. I've rearranged my life so that he can travel whenever (3/4 weeks at the moment).

In return, if I needed him here on a particular day, I would expect him to be there, or there would be a reckoning, and I don't know how long it would take the relationship to recover. That's the deal. I give plenty, and in return, when I very occasionally ask, I expect to be accommodated.

So I can see why you're disappointed and angry, and you have every right to be.

Totally sympathise op. I am a veteran of these situations (my dh runs his own business in a very pressured environment, manages staff, travels constantly). I've put up with a lot of crap over the years ie DC a&e admissions while he was away. He gets very stressed if I protest about him travelling. I constantly have to cancel stuff and change my schedule because of him and when I protest he gets upset and says that in turn he is at the mercy of his clients and their changing schedules which is true to an extent because of the nature of his business (fixer/advisor/consultant). It can get really really wearisome always being at the bottom of the pile and I am not going to lie, it remains a huge stress between us.

Unfortunately situations like this can become game changers in relationships.
The realisation that while they might care for you and think they love you, the really don't

Having said all of the above, and while I agree it is very hard to put up with, I don't think it is as black and white as whether they love us or not. It's much more complicated than that. My dh genuinely equates loving us with building up his business and providing well and yes I groan and protest about it but I know he feels a huge responsibility towards us and his extended family.

Funnily enough I feel the very worst thing about it is not his absence per se, as I have got used to that, but the lack of control over my own life and having to schedule around him and his "ever-evolving" agenda.

Op I would also be livid about being told to wait until after supper to discuss this. Why does your dh get to choose when things are discussed? Who made him boss?

I've just gone downstairs to try and talk to DH. I hate going to bed on an argument. Only to be told that there is no point talking about it because he'll 'sort it' but won't confirm what that means because he can't talk to anyone right now. Have left him to it and I'm back in bed. Vivid.

What does he not understand about the seriousness of removing pre-cancerous cells?

He is a selfish and thoughtless arsehole.

And tell him I said so.

You are not being unreasonable because he promised and it is important to you.

However, I have had the procedure - once done at the colposcopy clinic and once under GA. The clinic procedure took less than half an hour all in. It was painless and the nurses and Dr were lovely. I was absolutely fine and able to walk and drive and go home immediately. DH did come with me- he was more of an annoyance than a help but I appreciated his company and him wanting to be there. He took me out for coffee and a large cream cake afterwards.

It is not scary at all. The thought is 100x worse than what it amounts to. You will be fine.

But YANBU - you want to feel he has put you first.

He sounds very uncaring and cold. My best friend died from cancer last year. Her husband didn’t put himself out an inch during her treatments, refusing to go to the hospital at night or in bad weather. He was totally selfish. I bloody hate him for it.

I've just gone downstairs to try and talk to DH. I hate going to bed on an argument. Only to be told that there is no point talking about it because he'll 'sort it' but won't confirm what that means because he can't talk to anyone right now.

What he's completely missing is that 'sorting it' at this point is about far more than not travelling on a certain date! His wife needs treatment to prevent 'pre-cancerous' becoming 'cancerous', there is a whole raft of emotions which accompany that necessity. Instead of making you feel loved, supported and a top priority in his life, he's sent the message that you're not a priority, not important and you are being an unreasonable inconvenience for pulling him up on a broken promise.

Your not so 'D' husband needs to look at how he repairs the emotional damage he has managed to cause.

Don't get me started on the fact that he told you by text, that's just disrespectful.

he can't talk to anyone right now.
What a diva.

My DH did this. I had to go in for biopsies under a GA, but he went away with work for a week and left me with 2 young DC to cope with.
You kind of go beyond anger and flip over into despair when you realise that even when you really need them, work comes first.
Took me and DH a while to get over that particular argument.

He doesn't get it. This is not just about the day but the lack of prioritising you!

You shouldn't have to make him commit to being there. You shouldn't have the stress now of this situation, you should have him there on the day & for any required aftercare,

He sucks. You deserve so much better. I’m really sorry OP

I'd tell him not to bother because he's made it clear where you are on the priority list. If he can only offer support grudgingly and under sufferance then I'd rather not have it at all.

I'd book taxis and then as soon as you are able to travel, get yourself over to stay with friends or family, and have a really good think about whether you want to be married to a man who puts you in second place behind his job.

I'd tell him not to bother because he's made it clear where you are on the priority list. If he can only offer support grudgingly and under sufferance then I'd rather not have it at all.

Totally agree and have done the same myself. He doesn't get it that this is as much about emotional support as about practical help. My dh still hasn't got it after 25 years of marriage (thankfully he is good in other ways).

Riot act. The nuclear version.

Tell him if he values you/your marriage at all that he will be cancelling his travel immediately

How the fuck can he even begin to justify not helping you get to the hospital to remove these pre-fucking-cancerous cells?