DH and travelling for work.

[surelyitcantgetworsethanthis]

DH travels a fair bit for work. His diary is self managed, he is the boss and has a fair degree of control. He travels locally and internationally.
I found out I need to have some pre cancerous cells removed. Nothing life threatening but still upsetting, so we agreed to go private to speed up the process and put both our minds at rest. (DH lost his mum young to cancer)
Appointment booked, locked it in both our calendars, 3 weeks ago. DH reassured me he'd be there, there is no way he wouldn't etc.
DH was due to travel internationally this week but his counterpart from the UK couldn't (for whatever reason) make it so moved it to next week. DH texted me at work saying he's really sorry but needs to travel on surgery day. He has no choice.
AIBU to be completely livid.
I don't want to go alone (no family we are overseas, appointment is at school pick up time so can't get a friend to come and hand hold)
The next available is in a month, again when he is due to be away and I don't want to wait.
I cannot see why he can't say that doesn't work and travel the next morning. Or dial in via zoom. The words 'pre-cancerous' may be clouding my judgement so appreciate feedback.

He's being very nasty . Hopefully this is because he realises he's in the wrong , and shapes up with a full grovelling apology sharpish. However, he just may not see his word to you as important, in which case ....

What would he be like if you had kids op?

I agree with Baolfan. I put up with similar in a relationship which I sadly stayed in way too long. If he acknowledges how important having his support is to you and either comes with you and is genuinely supportive or explains why he feels unable to come due to work pressure but is supportive in other ways that is one thing but if he comes with you and is sulky or let’s you down with a “what’s your problem” attitude then I would question his commitment to the partnership.

So he had advance notice, it was in his diary. And just because his colleague from UK moved the appointment he just fell in line with it? That's really not good OP, I don't bear a grudge but that would make me really upset for a long time.

I'm really upset by it all. I've got up for work early because I don't want to be near him. I also have a 'big' job so I've had to arrange my diary around it. I know 100% that I can get to and from the appointment myself. It's the attitude that stinks.
I can make a fairly educated guess that his version of 'sort it means' he'll still go on the Monday claiming that he had not choice'
This has happened once before, he travelled with work on a Sunday without telling me. (He did not want to 'upset me') I was on my way back from a hen do, when I picked up his voicemail and had forgotten my keys. Yes that's right. I had to get a locksmith to get into my own home.

And before everyone jumps on with 'why are you with him' this has caused a huge question mark for me ....... HUGE

You sound very angry.

DesperateElf, don't you think she's entitled to be angry? I'd be furious.

You sound very angry.

And rightly so.

I'd be furious but not mention it again, I wouldn't have any conversation included the hopeful all clear as he's said where his priorities are. What a wanker.

So I logged into his frequent flyer account and there it is clear as day a booking for the day of my appointment.
How do I handle this?

Baolfan has some really good advice above. I would do exactly that.

By how do you handle this, do you mean what do you say to him? Because I can't see that there's anything else you can say to him. You suspected him saying he'd sort it was a lie, and that he'd just do what he wanted - and now you've seen his flights which indicate your suspicion was correct. He knows how you feel. He's going anyway.

The way I'd be handling it is - as you've said - questioning the relationship. Not just because he wasn't physically there: but because of his whole handling of it. His colleague has reorganised the trip to suit their schedule, but your husband won't do the same for you, and he is criticising and stonewalling you for being upset that he won't be there to support you.

Two things strike me - first, he was very keen to play the big caring 'oh of course you must see a private doctor as soon as possible, I'll absolutely be there, I care so much' but the slightest hint of inconvenience to him and he's let you down completely.

Second, you are the one chasing him to resolve this. You are the one who should be taken care of right now, and instead you're trying to have a conversation with a man who insists on eating first, then he makes a pack of excuses and argues with you rather than apologising, then he slobs about watching TV and won't discuss it with you even though you're understandably upset. Where is the love from him? And when there's no love, what is the point?

My DH has in the past demonstrated a near complete lack of understanding of what it meant for me to deal with the medical issues I’ve had. Like, zero comprehension of the toll it takes. I’m not one to moan, I have a high pain threshold, and my way of getting over things is to get right back into life. So, all he saw was me just getting on with stuff uncomplainingly. Like it was NBD.

Is there a possibility that your DH doesn’t get the impact on you of all the poking and prodding and hormones and tablets and tests and probes (and everything else) involved in 4 rounds of IVF? Does he see this procedure as just another hospital trip, no big deal, run of the mill, home in a couple of hours?

I don’t want to excuse the behaviour at all, more like trying to understand why he’s being such a dick. Is he a cruel person?

Sent a really angry email to my mum. Feel like I've potentially wasted a chunk of my life, when push comes to shove I'm not his no.1 priority.
I grew up knowing that my dad put mum first end of. It's really sad that I've found myself in the opposite of the situation I was desperate for. I'm proud that I kept my shit together today at work though. Being honest that didn't look likely this morning ....
If I'm honest maybe he doesn't realise everything that I've been through re. the IVF. One round I felt quiet isolated so I asked him to help with the injections. He said he couldn't as he didn't want to be the one to hurt me. I spent the rest of the round crying on the side of the bath every morning, while he slept. I think all of these feeling are compounding my need for him to step up and take me to this. Most women would take this in their stride, but most of my ability to cope has been worn down.

I've had that procedure done twice. It's no big deal. Stop making it one.

Hottielottie perhaps take your empathy bypass somewhere else? Your experience does not equate to everyone else's.

OP I would take a screen-shot of the booking, email it to him and ask him at what point does he plan to be honest with you and tell you that you come second to his job.

Then I would just not be there when he got home. If it's possible for you to travel and stay somewhere else for a few days then do so.

His comments about the IVF injections are really telling - he doesn't want to be the one to hurt you. What that translates to is - I don't want to give you the jab so sort it out yourself whilst I stay asleep and I don't care if you find it difficult or upsetting. I don't like needles but if my H needed me to give him a jab then I'd get on with it because that's what you do when you love someone.

You need to have a really good think about whether this relationship is right for you, because everything sounds like it's on his terms - and that's whilst things are OK. What happens if something goes really wrong and you need him to step up? Are you confident he'll be there?

The procedure is not surgery. No one is put to sleep. No one is cut open. It is a relatively short painless procedure that is over & done with after about 20/30 mins or so. People walk out fine, like I did.

Some people like fuss. And some people struggle to deal with the drama & be the provider of the fuss. And the person that struggles to deal with the fuss sounds like OP's Husband.

And why OP would delay a minor yet very important & necessary procedure for the sake of a hand hold, cuddles & being made a cup of tea is beyond me.

@hottielottie .... I've never said what it is that I'm having done in detail. There are many different procedures, that could possibly fall into this broad category.
Some invasive, others not. Some under anaesthetic others not.
So how is can be the same as your experience twice over would be a guess at most on your part .....

@hottielottie again why am I delaying it? Never said that I would .....

I’m more or less with hottielottie, I’m afraid. I can see you want it and are disappointed but your reaction feels a bit excessive. It’s a minor procedure and not surgery. It’s a few dodgy cells not cancer.

Personally I’ve never fussed about my husband being there for cancer biopsy or treatments and think making it a big deal places women in the ‘needing to be looked after’ category - almost childlike. That’s not something I’d want for myself. I also think your anger risks your relationship over something smaller than having a stitch put in a small cut. It creates an aura of helplessness around women.

Actually I had to have a general anaesthetic for mine, and couldn't be on my own for 24 hrs.

OP if you're close to your mum could she cone while you decide when whether to leave him?

You do sound like a bit of a drama llama and you seem to lack emotional resilience.