Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Friend who has no time at all, wwyd?

160 replies

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:03

Hi all, I've been friends with this person since year 2, and we're now both in our early 20s. Since she left secondary school a lot has changed I.e I've had kids, got engaged etc... she doesn't seem to have any time for me at all. DD3 was born November last year and she was one of the first people I let know because even though we drifted apart, I still valued our friendship. I got no response for a while. I try to call her sometimes, in fact I do try really hard to balance my work/social life with 3 young kids and I'm also in my 2nd year of uni so I don't often get time to see people but when I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy". When our twins were born in 2018, she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes because again she was just always too busy but I appreciated that she had got to meet them anyways. Since meeting my partner, I moved away from london and live up north. I do make trips back home to see family and whenever I am back, i always message her and say "hey, I'm here for x amount of days, do you have any free time we could have a catch up?" And the answer is always I'm too busy at the moment.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response. I had to call her AFTER I sent multiple whatsapp messages to find out that she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby. Now I'm not needy and I get that people have their own lives but if I with 3 under 3 whilst doing uni can make time for some why can't it work vice versa? She's never told me what shes actually doing, all I know is she graduated uni last year, but then again she hardly talks to me unless I call her. I'm beginning to think she's just too busy for anyone or for friends in her life which makes me a bit sad as we have a friendship of about 12 years and she's the only one I've kept in contact with from primary school. I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters. Should I just give up trying? Is she genuinely not interested? She always says how she wants to visit me when I'm up north but has never actually asked me for when I'm free etc and it's not looking likely. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes and she never actually mentions what she's doing, I would appreciate if she let me know then I could be a bit more understanding but from my point of view it just seems like can't be bothered.

OP posts:

mb94 · 10/02/2020 03:10

If it were me, I’d call her (or text if it’s less awkward) and straight up ask her. See if there’s a reason for her being so off with you, ask what’s been up and why she’s so busy, check in to see if anything might be happening in her personal life. If she can give you a reasonable explanation, maybe you can work through it. Otherwise, it sounds like you could be spending your time and energy on people who are willing to reciprocate :)

katy1213 · 10/02/2020 03:16

She can't be bothered. Her life has moved on, she's not interested in seeing your children and is probably wondering when you will get the message. You need to stop being so needy and make some new friends. Sorry to sound harsh but you don't seem to be hearing what she is saying very clearly.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:21

Well can you blame me? Don't tell me you want to see me and my kids but expect me to get the message that you dont want anything to do with me... what on earth?

OP posts:

Idontkowmyname · 10/02/2020 03:28

If she cared she’d make the time, a one off blip fair enough as life gets in the way but given the ongoing nature I’d say she’s moved on.

ZacharyQuack · 10/02/2020 03:29

Listen to her actions, not her words. She's moved on from your friendship.

FritzDonovan · 10/02/2020 03:30

You're making a big thing of you being so good to fit her in when you're around, which isn't often, but she may be just as busy as you, and your available days just don't coincide. Don't assume she can drop stuff to see you in the few days you have available. If you really want to meet up, arrange a get together somewhere convenient for both of you, and not just at the last minute. Ask when would be good for her and arrange well in advance. . She prob has a very fulfilling life without you, you can't expect she'd be enthused to travel to the other end of the country to hang out with you and your young kids if kids are not her thing.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:31

I'm guessing so too. I will move on too if that's the case but I'm getting mixed signals here. If she doesn't want anything to do with me I would rather she just say rather than calling me up having a laugh, reminiscing about school days etc. That doesn't really come across as someone who doesn't want anything to do with me. If the conversations were dry, fair enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:33

Didn't I mention I called her last week before leaving to arrange a date and time and got no response so please elaborate on how I'm planning last minute here? SHE is the one expressing how she would love to see me, the kids and dp, therefore I try to arrange something between us and it doesn't end up working because she cant ever arrange a time with me.

OP posts:

Nitpickpicnic · 10/02/2020 03:33

I think you already know the answer to this one. You’ve known for a good while.

Now action it, and don’t look back. It won’t be the last time in your life that a friendship you’re in runs its course. As you get older, it stings less. You get better at looking back happily on the good bits that worked, and quicker at seeing it’s run its course. Sometimes you even feel grateful they saw it first.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:35

Partner told me to leave it, so I will and if she is ever bothered, she has my phone number.

OP posts:

Josette77 · 10/02/2020 03:35

I think you are in different places. You have three kids, and she's presumably working on her career. I think she is just no interested right now. She might be again one day, but you have gone in two very different directions. I wouldn't take is personally, it sounds more circumstantial.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:38

Josette yes, I have no problem if she is at a different point, that's absolutely fine. I do understand quite clearly friendships die, however my issue was that she is always instigating and saying how she would like to do this and that and doesnt follow through. I would rather she say nothing if she won't keep to it.

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 10/02/2020 03:38

Whatever. Your OP is dominated by your mention of you telling her you'll be in london for a few days and asking if she wants to meet during those few days. Not the same as asking if she wants to get together at a time and place totally convenient to her, whenever, is it?

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:41

" I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response."
What's this part then? Whatever you believe I always mention it to her before and then reinforce that I'm here. Do you want my WhatsApp logs and all? Because I damn well had a phone call with her 2 weeks ago and said we were travelling and I got a "I'd love see you blah blah"

OP posts:

sometimescharlotte · 10/02/2020 03:41

She could just be one of those people who is a bit bad at getting round to doing things. I know plenty of them! Or she could be in a bit of a difficult place right now and maybe feels it hard to open up to you about it because to her you seem to be so on top of things!

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:46

When we do have the odd call shes always cheery and happy and I know it's not a fake act, I've known her long enough. She tells me about her travels and study abroad and how she enjoyed it so I didn't really get the impression anything was wrong. This could have changed. Either way, I'm not trying to be petty so I'll leave it up to her to tell me if anything is going on because I don't want to seem badgering. I only really ever message her a few times a month because she rarely responds.

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 10/02/2020 03:46

What’s her set-up? Is she single, married, kids if her own?

FritzDonovan · 10/02/2020 03:47

So you called her with a weeks notice? Not everyone can drop what they're doing with a weeks notice, and youve already said you dont know what she does so you don't know what commitments she has. If she was really interested in meeting your newborn (and it doesnt sound like she is) she'd have made the effort. Or at least said she couldn't make it but suggested another time. She's not interested enough to make the effort. Seems pretty clear.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:47

Standrewsschool she is living with her mum, no partner or kids or anything.

OP posts:

2tired2function · 10/02/2020 03:49

I think she has moved on and sounds like she is in a very different place to you in her life. To be honest, when I was in my early 20s and had just graduated from uni, I would have felt like I had very little in common with someone who had chosen to get married and have three kids. I liked kids ok, but I still find other people's babies fairly boring (34 and I have a DD!). She might be keener to see you without the kiddos and with you talking about them all the time.

I had a friendship like this where I felt like I was always trying and the other person was slow to respond and never seemed to have time and I eventually just stopped trying, it wasn't an angry decision and we had a nice friendship when we did, but life is too short to try and make something work with someone who isn't putting anything in.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:49

Fritz I did say I called her TWO weeks before. But you must be right. She doesnt care, however she must have some serious issues if that's the case to be messaging me back saying "cant wait to meet the baby"

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 10/02/2020 03:51

i did wonder if she was living with a controlling partner, but unless her mum is controlling, that theory is wrong.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:53

Her mum is the nicest person honestly, I think she is just literally too busy and I'm probably going to move on. However I'm terrible at making new friends, I had about 2 friends at my first uni and I'm quite a shy person. the idea of kiddy sleepovers and parties give me anxiety lol, maybe that's why I'm trying to salvage a dead friendship. But it's all good.

OP posts:

sometimescharlotte · 10/02/2020 03:55

Truly, I don't want to be unkind, but don't you think that people always do say "can't wait to see the baby" and don't always follow through? It could even be that this really is how she feels, but she just doesn't (for whatever reason) get round to following though.

It sounds like you have a great family life and I'm sure you have many other friends, so try not to get too hung up on this one friendship.

Original poster

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:57

I do know people say that and dont really mean it however I'm not going to assume that because last time with our twins she did actually see them.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7