Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who has no time at all, wwyd?

160 replies

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:03

Hi all, I've been friends with this person since year 2, and we're now both in our early 20s. Since she left secondary school a lot has changed I.e I've had kids, got engaged etc... she doesn't seem to have any time for me at all. DD3 was born November last year and she was one of the first people I let know because even though we drifted apart, I still valued our friendship. I got no response for a while. I try to call her sometimes, in fact I do try really hard to balance my work/social life with 3 young kids and I'm also in my 2nd year of uni so I don't often get time to see people but when I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy". When our twins were born in 2018, she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes because again she was just always too busy but I appreciated that she had got to meet them anyways. Since meeting my partner, I moved away from london and live up north. I do make trips back home to see family and whenever I am back, i always message her and say "hey, I'm here for x amount of days, do you have any free time we could have a catch up?" And the answer is always I'm too busy at the moment.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response. I had to call her AFTER I sent multiple whatsapp messages to find out that she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby. Now I'm not needy and I get that people have their own lives but if I with 3 under 3 whilst doing uni can make time for some why can't it work vice versa? She's never told me what shes actually doing, all I know is she graduated uni last year, but then again she hardly talks to me unless I call her. I'm beginning to think she's just too busy for anyone or for friends in her life which makes me a bit sad as we have a friendship of about 12 years and she's the only one I've kept in contact with from primary school. I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters. Should I just give up trying? Is she genuinely not interested? She always says how she wants to visit me when I'm up north but has never actually asked me for when I'm free etc and it's not looking likely. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes and she never actually mentions what she's doing, I would appreciate if she let me know then I could be a bit more understanding but from my point of view it just seems like can't be bothered.

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 10/02/2020 08:15

I really wouldn't message her giving her an ultimatum, it may lead to harsh words and you would regret letting the friendship end that way. Just stop contacting her, she may well drift back to you or she may not, but creating bad blood won't benefit you or her.

user1470132907 · 10/02/2020 08:15

It sounds like as far as she’s concerned, the friendship is over. Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong - people and situations just change. Sounds like some mixed messages at points, probably because she can’t quite bring herself to be as blunt as she needs to be. Sorry you’ve lost a formerly good friend but I would just delete her number at this point.

ForalltheSaints · 10/02/2020 08:16

Just remember her birthday and Christmas. Some friendships die or are reduced, and often those from childhood don't last beyond university years or the start of a job.

aNonnyMouse1511 · 10/02/2020 08:16

You know the answer. She’s fine with your friendship. Put your time into someone who values you.

aNonnyMouse1511 · 10/02/2020 08:16

Done, not fine. Stupid auto correct.

Ponoka7 · 10/02/2020 08:21

"it feels like we talk on the basis I have to because we know each other for so long."

Because that is the situation. If you met today you probably wouldn't be friends. People grow up and apart and there's nothing wrong in that.

"i only really ever message her a few times a month because she rarely responds."

She's trying to politely ghost you. She saying the right things, but hoping that you will get the message, through her actions, You have three children and a partner. You don't like the stuff that you used to. You live the other end of the country. There isn't a friendship anymore, just a shared past.

Let this drift off. Give her a 'happy Birthday/Easter/Christmas' text, but nothing more and see what happens.

dottiedodah · 10/02/2020 08:27

Maybe she is a little envious of you and your little family? She is living with Mum and has no partner or children .As you say she seems keen to chat and keep your friendship going ,but maybe seeing you all reminds her of what she doesnt have ? Why not just keep her as a phone friend for now and maybe you will meet up at a later point ,maybe not .I have a family member I write to, and we tell each other out news but live a long way apart and in fact have never actually met up!

GrouchoMrx · 10/02/2020 08:27

Whynosnowyet Mon 10-Feb-20 07:17:12
She claims to be sooo busy living her soooo impressive life...
Bet you it's your life she really wants... Maybe she does want to see you but at crunch time it's too hard....

Yeah, right. It's 1920 so she must want a husband and children. It's not like there are other alternatives.

nettie434 · 10/02/2020 08:29

and she never actually mentions what she's doing

I never normally do this but instead of thinking she is too busy to see you and doesn’t want to see you, I do wonder If her life is actually as ok as others think. I think you said she still lived with her mum. If she is living the successful single life, then why doesn’t she have any friends, partners, holidays, jobs to talk about?

By contrast, Dyingdragon87, you are doing very well being in your second year of uni and having three children, a husband and successfully relocated to the north of England. You sound like a thoughtful friend. Of course you won’t be able to see the true picture unless you meet her but I wouldn’t assume her life is perfect and you are extraneous to it. Her horizons may have narrowed and she can’t manage to meet up.

I could be 100% wrong of course but the fact that she can’t arrange to meet you could have more than one explanation.

VettiyaIruken · 10/02/2020 08:29

You must feel really hurt and confused. I'm sorry.

Honestly though, people say all sorts of stuff they don't mean. Must catch up, must come for a coffee, be great to see you, let's make a day of it, I'd love to see your baby, etc etc.

They don't always mean it. They say it because they think it's the done thing. They think it's polite to say things they don't mean (it's not).

When someone repeatedly says one thing and does another you absolutely have to disregard what they say and only look at what they do.

People make time for the things that matter to them. Think of it as a to do list in priority order. You may well be on the list but you sure as shit aren't at the top or indeed anywhere on the first few pages.

It isn't nice. It isn't kind. But it is what it is and if it was me, I'd downgrade her to acquaintance and stop bothering with her.

Thinkingabout1t · 10/02/2020 08:34

I’m sorry to say it looks as if she has dropped you. She’s still living at home and may be a bit jealous of you, or may just be engrossed in her work and social life.

You’ve nothing to lose by sending a card (more likely to be noticed than email or text) saying something like „I enjoy our friendship but I get that you’re too busy to meet, so I won’t keep trying. Let’s keep in touch, and let me know if you’d like to meet some time”. Keep it light but friendly.

You’re busy too, but I hope you soon make a new circle of friends where you are now living.

Member984815 · 10/02/2020 08:34

You've grown apart and are both doing different things with your lives , I think maybe you should let the friendship go , you don't seem to have anything in common anymore

dancingbadger · 10/02/2020 08:39

I think some pp have been quite harsh. You were obviously good friends and you've been making an effort to keep things going despite her lack of reciprocation. It's understandable to be hurt when this happens and perfectly normal. I do think for your own benefit you should just park the friendship for now and move on in your new location. Don't do anything dramatic like sending a text but just forget about contacting her for now she might well come back to you in the future. Hopefully you will meet some lovely people in your new home town who you can become just as good friends with.

MitchellMummy · 10/02/2020 08:41

Although friendships move on it's possible to remain friends with just the occasional phone chat rather than meeting up. Some friends you may meet for coffee, some for dinner, some for a walk in the park with the kids. Others just via social media or phone.

ffswhatnext · 10/02/2020 08:44

It could be that she wants to meet up with you, but without any of the dc’s in tow.
Not many people are really going to say to you -
Look u would love to see you, but honestly your children bore me
Or similar.

Doesn’t mean she actually really enjoys children even though she spends time with others. Could be she has to because they are in her home lol

ScoobyCan · 10/02/2020 08:45

DD3 was born.. I got no response... I try to call her sometimes.. I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy"... she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes... I moved away from london... i always message... And the answer is always I'm too busy... I called her last week.. No response... I sent multiple whatsapp messages... she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby... she hardly talks to me unless I call her. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes... it just seems like can't be bothered.

I think you're at different life stages. She may well get back in touch when she has a child but leave it for now.

Mumofone1902 · 10/02/2020 08:46

The fact you say she talks about her travels and old times and seems happy to meet but then when you mention the children she doesn't answer back. Maybe she doesn't want a relationship with your children? All my uni friends I see without my son, they have probably met him once or twice but they don't want the mum version of me.

Also saying she should be free because you are free with three kids and uni is a bit rude, she may have lots of clubs alongside her job, it's not just children that make life busy.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/02/2020 08:50

I'd back off but still remember birthdays and Christmas. It might be that things improve later on,friendships have ebbs and flows,or it might just fizzle out completely.

PineappleDanish · 10/02/2020 08:51

She's a recent graduate getting on with being in her 20s and establishing relationships and careers.

You're partnered up with 3 kids.

What do you have in common any more? Just because you were friends when you were 6 or 7 doesn't mean you'll carry on being friends until you're drawing your pension.

PhilCornwall1 · 10/02/2020 08:52

She may well get back in touch when she has a child but leave it for now.

If she has a child. I'm seeing more women at work now, not wanting or having them.

PineappleDanish · 10/02/2020 08:54

Truly, I don't want to be unkind, but don't you think that people always do say "can't wait to see the baby" and don't always follow through?

Of course they do. Because "I'd rather pull out my own fingernails than spend time with two toddlers and a newborn" is perceived as a bit rude.

ScoobyCan · 10/02/2020 08:55

@PhilCornwall1 - you're absolutely right. If she has a child. Thank you.

oohnicevase · 10/02/2020 08:58

She isn't interested in you or your children anyone . Sorry if that's harsh but if she wanted to see you she would . Maybe she is jealous and can't deal with you being further on in your life or maybe you have grown apart , either way just give up because she has !

redrobin123 · 10/02/2020 09:00

OP not to generalise but I think when you're in your early 20's and have no responsibility you can be a bit selfish if you are young, free and single and have no commitments to people. Sounds like OP is probably busy socialising, out drinking, chasing boys / girls. Maybe desperate to meet someone and caught up in it all and isn't being a great friend not making time for you.

I would leave the ball in her court, and maybe your paths will cross later down the line?

Could you maybe try a few baby groups or one of the mum apps to meet some new friends?

Xxx

Chesntoots · 10/02/2020 09:01

I think the comment about meeting the baby being an added bonus was very telling.

It would not have been an added bonus for me at all. I can't think of anything worse.

I've had friends come and go and with my current job it can be weeks before I have a convenient rest day. I think she is likely very busy and not interested in spending free time with children but can't exactly say "are you kidding me? I don't want to spend my free time with your children".

Swipe left for the next trending thread