Friend who has no time at all, wwyd?

[Dyingdragon87]

Hi all, I've been friends with this person since year 2, and we're now both in our early 20s. Since she left secondary school a lot has changed I.e I've had kids, got engaged etc... she doesn't seem to have any time for me at all. DD3 was born November last year and she was one of the first people I let know because even though we drifted apart, I still valued our friendship. I got no response for a while. I try to call her sometimes, in fact I do try really hard to balance my work/social life with 3 young kids and I'm also in my 2nd year of uni so I don't often get time to see people but when I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy". When our twins were born in 2018, she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes because again she was just always too busy but I appreciated that she had got to meet them anyways. Since meeting my partner, I moved away from london and live up north. I do make trips back home to see family and whenever I am back, i always message her and say "hey, I'm here for x amount of days, do you have any free time we could have a catch up?" And the answer is always I'm too busy at the moment.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response. I had to call her AFTER I sent multiple whatsapp messages to find out that she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby. Now I'm not needy and I get that people have their own lives but if I with 3 under 3 whilst doing uni can make time for some why can't it work vice versa? She's never told me what shes actually doing, all I know is she graduated uni last year, but then again she hardly talks to me unless I call her. I'm beginning to think she's just too busy for anyone or for friends in her life which makes me a bit sad as we have a friendship of about 12 years and she's the only one I've kept in contact with from primary school. I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters. Should I just give up trying? Is she genuinely not interested? She always says how she wants to visit me when I'm up north but has never actually asked me for when I'm free etc and it's not looking likely. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes and she never actually mentions what she's doing, I would appreciate if she let me know then I could be a bit more understanding but from my point of view it just seems like can't be bothered.

Give it a rest. I'm sure she does consider you a friend but you're on the periphery of her life. That's just how it is sometimes, don't read too much into it.

For someone in your early 20s your life is a bit out of the ordinary. I’m 22 and couldn’t imagine having 3 children, let alone engaged with twins and a newborn etc.

It sounds like she’s your only friend, so you’re very reliant on her for social interaction. However she probably has other friends and has moved on from being reliant on you for social interaction. She’s in a different place in life. You might not notice, but you’ve probably bored her with lots of child talk which could make spending time with you unbearable/boring/undesirable etc as there’s not much common ground. You’re also still at university and she’s already graduated/working so again, a difference in life and conversation topics etc.

She most likely doesn’t want to spend her free time around young kids, no matter how much she likes you. If I’m being honest, it’s not particularly fun or enjoyable especially when you have little free time to begin with. I don’t think she wants to be an auntie figure, I think you should let that fantasy go. Personally if one of my friends had their 3rd baby, I wouldn’t take that much interest to specifically want to visit to meet the baby. Maybe for the first baby, but with the kids after that I’d be happy with just seeing baby photos on social media.

Speaking of social media, can’t you see what she posts etc to get san idea of what she does day to day.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London

This is the bit I was referring to, OP. Reads like a weeks notice to me. Anyhow, I'm not arguing with you. I had a friend like this a while back. She visited me once when I had small kids, and didn't seem to appreciate the fact that it's much harder to travel with small kids than by yourself, which is why any meetups required lots of notice so free time coincided, and no kids. Tgh, she prob finds meeting with kids boring and/or slightly irritating. Its not like you have easy adult conversations with little kids to look after.
Anyway, long story short, she didn't make much effort, so the friendship kind of faded. She proved to be an uncaring bitch later down the line when I needed support, so I'm glad I didn't waste more time trying to keep the friendship going. Concentrate on friend who actually do stuff with you, not just say they will.

Oh and saying “we must meet up” “I’m going to visit you soon” “miss you can’t wait to see you” etc are just things people say in conversation but may not necessarily be interested in carrying out.

Sorry OP but from your responses here you sound like hard work. You're both young, you're lives are very different. You have 3 young children and she has no kids or partner. Friendships are hard to maintain with that sort of difference.

It sounds like she does want to remain friends, but maybe struggles with your contact being to "meet the newborn" or kid related? I have 2 small dc now, but at that age I had no interest in babies at all

I know it's hard when you've got young children. My contact with sone friends has been almost purely by message recently, as I'm home on my own with kids. Your friendship may well pick up once you can meet up without children in tow.

When I was in my early 20s I would have had no interest in meeting your newborn. Have you tried suggesting just the two of you meet up (without your children)?
You can still be friends but only chat occasionally anyway.
Also are you being a good friend? You say you talk but have no idea what she does. Do you ask her? It would be difficult for her not to answer a direct question so it sounds like you just don't ask her anything about herself.

This might not even be about you. She could have put a shitload of weight on or be struggling with her mental health and really not up to seeing anyone who knew her before, because of low self esteem and a fear of being judged. There could be all sorts going on that you don’t understand.

Just leave and let her come to you in her own time. Not all friendships are destined to go the distance.

Maybe your togetherness makes her feel insecure or jealous. Maybe she isn’t interested in your children. Maybe you are both in such a different place that she doesn’t see you as having anything in common. Whatever it is, all you can do is back away.

Some people are just like this. Make the right noises but don’t do. Ultimately it is probably because they’re people pleasing when confronted by phone / text. Then do what they want when they think you’re not looking. It’s not very mature. But lots of people do this.

Maybe you can meet some nice new people through your children. Or try a hobby. The more you push with her, the more she will pull away. Just be aware your actions will only produce the opposite of what you are seeking.

Idk if this will help, but whilst you’re looking toward her for friendship, you’re turning your back on potential future friends.

You are on different pages of the book of life right now which may or may not change in the future. If you want to keep the door open on the friendship and just to cover yourself in case there are things going on in her life that she hasn’t felt able to share at this point, I would probably send one last message explaining how you care about her and your friendship but struggle with one sided contact right now. You understand your and her lives are currently at different junctions and if she ever needs you for anything you will always be there for her but won’t contact her again.

Even if you struggle to make friends you really do have the perfect opportunity with three little ones. Having friends going through the same thing at the same time as you is so important. Go to some toddler groups snd sift your way through until you find ‘your people’. Motherhood will be terribly lonely without some mum friends to share the high’s and low’s. Many people don’t keep up with friends from school or even uni but the people you meet when your kids are little will hopefully be in your lives for years to come.

Maybe she is a bit fed up without saying maybe is a bit sad she has not got the same life as you.
Or maybe she is genuinely very busy leading her single life and out all the time and off on her travels.
Also maybe she is not interested in kids but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. X

Also if you don't already go. Go to some baby groups and try to make new friends. They're great for that. X

You're in very different places of your life and have inevitably drifted apart. Nothing wrong with that. You live very far away from each other so that in itself was always going to make things difficult. Just because she has no kids and still lives at home doesn't mean it would necessarily be convenient for her to meet up during the one week you're around.

I kind of have this, my oldest friend just will not make time for me since I moved away (not far, about 1hr 30 max) 7 years ago. We have a friendship spanning 30 years but since I got married she just isn’t interested. I think there is some resentment as she is still single (for a long time we were both hopelessly single until we turned 35 and I suddenly met DH).
I am very hurt that I had a baby 5 months ago and all I got was a crap card and a couple of texts. Given she works in childcare and adores babies it hurts that she can’t be arsed to drive an hour to visit us or show any interest at all.
I am no longer initiating anything and not suggesting any more meeting up. I hope in a few years she changes but otherwise I’m letting it die. So sad as we have spent most of our lives together.

OP I really do feel for you; I know the feeling of trying to keep a dying friendship alive. It's a bit soul destroying when you're the only one trying to make am effort and the other person clearly isn't bothered.
It seems to me that you are seeing your friendship through rose tinted glasses and are trying to keep hold of it, as you probably have some wonderful memories with this girl.
It sounds as though you have chosen very different paths in life. You need to try and get your head around the fact that your friend probably doesn't want to spend her time with three children, I certainly wouldn't have considered that to be my idea of fun in my early twenties!
If I were you, I would take a HUGE step back from this girl; even delete her number. Let her come to you. If she doesn't text/call etc, then you have your answer.
Why don't you join some baby groups, or get chatting to people at uni?
Try to focus on the positives in your life. Accept the friendship with this girl is a dying flame and focus on your studies and children. Good luck with everything OP x

I have been in this situation before as the other friend. Sometimes you outgrow a person but have fond memories of the time you were more involved each others lives. I liked to reminisce but when it came to seeing each other I was not bothered tbh. We both had children but as I have got older I admit I have become more precious with my time and there are aspects of this person's personality that I simply did not care for even when we were closer and having distance between us really made me realise that I probably wouldn't choose to be friends with this personality type now. I still have fondness for our friendship and would never 'cut off' contact with her but don't have the desire to meet up. We. call/message every now and then and we have a nice talk and she always suggests we should get together (I say yeah we should sort it out but never do!) some might say this is a shitty move but I don't want to be mean at all just not interested in rekindling a fuller connection with this person. I think if you can just enjoy reminiscing every now and then maybe you could get over the fact that you've both moved on but still have fondness for a time you were closer?

Have you become a baby bore?

I don't want to sound mean but just because someone doesn't have a partner or kids doesn't mean they are not busy. You said you are both in your 20s and it sounds like your life is completely different to hers right now.

For instance maybe she doesn't want to speak about your kids and married life. And feels like maybe you go on about it and you don't realise. Which is completely understandable as that's the point of your life you are at.

I have friends that take ages to set up times and dates to do things because everyone has a lot going on in other social or personal issues. As we haven't seen much on her life it could be she is just too busy.

Is she generally a baby loving type? I’d say something like “can’t wait to meet the baby” just to be nice but honestly babies leave me cold. It would be my friend I wanted to see but this doesn’t seem to be the case here so I think you need to take the hint and step away.
If she’s any friend she’ll make an effort to get in touch but I’m guessing she won’t.

Now when I do think about we have no things in common anymore, I don't like anime, kpop, I'm not as much into the Japanese scene as before and it feels like we talk on the basis I have to because we know each other for so long.

I had a similar situation recently, so sent a text, basically saying that obviously her life is very busy, and that I don't actually fit into it anymore, if that's the case, then fine. But I would appreciate the heads up about it, so I know not to bother contacting for get togethers.

Hadalifeonce - yes this is what I mean. I don't bother or pester her, we send a few messages and here and there and I would appreciate it more if she just said look I haven't got much time anymore so I know where I stand. I just think it's a bit bitchy to still respond to someone if your intentions aren't what you mean.

Could I just point out that this is your THIRD child. There shouldn’t be a priority attached for anyone to meet the baby asap as it’s old hat by now. One of my friends had 5 kids by 23 - we’re still friends because she understood that someone in their early twenties can’t always prioritize seeing her babies asap when building careers / working overtime etc. I saw them all within their first year of life but would have probably dropped her if she insisted or pushed on me seeing her babies within days / weeks of them being born.

You are at very different points in your lives.
Accept it for what it is. Don't fall out, leave it.
You don't know this yet but life is hopefully long. You may spend more time together in the future.

Take the hint. She doesn't want to meet up, and just says stuff to get you off her back about it for a while. If she cared, she'd be organising meet ups as well, would reply quicker and might even find time to travel to see you.

She has moved on. She isn't your friend anymore.