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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who has no time at all, wwyd?

160 replies

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:03

Hi all, I've been friends with this person since year 2, and we're now both in our early 20s. Since she left secondary school a lot has changed I.e I've had kids, got engaged etc... she doesn't seem to have any time for me at all. DD3 was born November last year and she was one of the first people I let know because even though we drifted apart, I still valued our friendship. I got no response for a while. I try to call her sometimes, in fact I do try really hard to balance my work/social life with 3 young kids and I'm also in my 2nd year of uni so I don't often get time to see people but when I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy". When our twins were born in 2018, she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes because again she was just always too busy but I appreciated that she had got to meet them anyways. Since meeting my partner, I moved away from london and live up north. I do make trips back home to see family and whenever I am back, i always message her and say "hey, I'm here for x amount of days, do you have any free time we could have a catch up?" And the answer is always I'm too busy at the moment.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response. I had to call her AFTER I sent multiple whatsapp messages to find out that she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby. Now I'm not needy and I get that people have their own lives but if I with 3 under 3 whilst doing uni can make time for some why can't it work vice versa? She's never told me what shes actually doing, all I know is she graduated uni last year, but then again she hardly talks to me unless I call her. I'm beginning to think she's just too busy for anyone or for friends in her life which makes me a bit sad as we have a friendship of about 12 years and she's the only one I've kept in contact with from primary school. I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters. Should I just give up trying? Is she genuinely not interested? She always says how she wants to visit me when I'm up north but has never actually asked me for when I'm free etc and it's not looking likely. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes and she never actually mentions what she's doing, I would appreciate if she let me know then I could be a bit more understanding but from my point of view it just seems like can't be bothered.

OP posts:
bugbhaer · 10/02/2020 05:54

I’m struck by what a kind and patient response the OP has had.

FritzDonovan · 10/02/2020 05:59

I just think it's a bit bitchy to still respond to someone if your intentions aren't what you mean.

I think she's just being polite. The alternatives are to tell you she's not interested in meeting you/kids, which would hurt your feelings, or not reply at all (which she's kind of tried, and you had a problem with). How about sending a text like the pp? (Sorry, on mobile and can't turn back page to check name!)

louisawhitegenius · 10/02/2020 06:00

I think you need to work out what your intentions are. Do you want to be friends with this person because you genuinely care for her, value her in your life and have a strong connection or are you just looking for a way to fill your time with a meet up?

Incontinencesucks · 10/02/2020 06:02

Whether she doesn't have time or chooses not to prioritise and make time makes no difference. The end result is the same.

Draw back, see what happens.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/02/2020 06:04

I think you're just in very different places at the moment. It may not be that your friendship is over for ever but it sounds as if there is quite a lot of divergence for now. Being in your early 20s and having three kids is quite a load. When I was in my early 20s I didn't know anyone with one kid, let alone three. Maybe it was just my immaturity but honestly the idea of spending time with a newborn wouldn't have appealed to me.

I think for now you may need to let it drift a bit. It doesn't have to be forever.

Bree88 · 10/02/2020 06:07

From what you have said its quite obvious shes not interested anymore.I get the feeling that she could make time if she wants to but doesnt seem like she wants to..She probably feels you will get it and move on rather than spill it out in clear terms for you.She strings you along sometimes out of guilt but other than that I dont see this friendship going any further.

PhilCornwall1 · 10/02/2020 06:11

t's about stuff we used to enjoy together like anime, kpop, take the piss out of tv shows so again I'm not following the whole baby mad thing some are insinuating.

Could this possibly be an issue too? I can remember bumping into an old friend a few years ago in a pub and was chatting and it was like a continuation of the same conversations we had 26-27 years ago. I couldn't wait to end the conversation, nothing had changed at all.

When I was younger, he was a very good friend in a group of friends I had (don't see any of them anymore and haven't for years). All our lives went in different directions.

Things move on. I'd probably just let it drop if it was me. But everyone is different.

ukgift2016 · 10/02/2020 06:25

You are both in your early 20s yet you have 3 children and she has graduated university and is focusing on her career/single life. Totally different lives.

Move on, make new friends up north.

TheCatInAHat · 10/02/2020 06:30

You describe her meeting your baby as being a ‘bonus’. I really wouldn’t have felt this way in my early 20s. Talk of settling down, having kids, buying soft furnishings absolutely terrified me and I’d have pushed it away as far as possible. I didn’t particularly like babies at all back then.

Sounds like your friendship is stuck in the past, no new common ground or shared experiences, just rehashing the old tired in jokes. Time to let go and move on.

Roselilly36 · 10/02/2020 06:32

I can understand why you are upset OP, changes in circumstances can divide friendships, she isn’t the friend you hoped she was, just leave it and see if she gets in touch, if not you have your answer. We are all busy, but most can find the time for people we want to see.

Soffy · 10/02/2020 06:40

What SaltedPretzel said.

People often say things they dont mean to spare feelings. We all do it in the real world, even if MN would have you believe otherwise. But actions speak louder than words. I would leave the next step to her OP, and then you'll have your answer. I'm the meantime you need to work on making some new friends. You sound lovely and caring, and I'm sure your friend is too. But most friendships have a lifespan.

Lampan · 10/02/2020 06:44

A week or even two weeks notice might not be enough for someone with a busy social life. I assume she works as well?
You sound dismissive of her interests and maybe she is picking up on this. The friendship has run it’s course I think. Let her enjoy KPop etc and maybe you concentrate on friends who understand your stage of life better.
And I have definitely made ‘can’t wait to meet the baby’ comments without meaning them. It’s just what people say. I’m older than you both and not really interested in other people’s babies. I definitely wouldn’t have been interested when I was in my early 20s!

notsosureatwork · 10/02/2020 06:48

I think the friendship has drifted and perhaps she doesnt want to be outright and just say it. For your own sake I would just move on, she may not really be interested in your life now you're a mother. I think sometimes we want to keep the same friendships but when we become mothers some friends just arent interested in that aspect of our lives and it's okay to separate because of it. You'll meet new friends

Inherdefence · 10/02/2020 06:49

I agree that you are making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. I lost touch with a lot of friends when I was your age. Our lives diverged and we no longer had anything in common. For some of them, that was that, they are just happy memories now. It’s normal for some friends to only stay in your life for a little while. But some of them crossed my path again many years later (and I’m talking 20+ years later, so your entire lifetime) and the friendships were rekindled and are now as strong as they ever were. When we meet up the years fall away and the differences in our lives that seemed so important when we were in our twenties no longer matter.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/02/2020 06:50

She's trying to let you down gently but you're not getting the message. The friendship has run its course. As sad as that it is, it often happens when one of you settles down and has children while the other is still single or not in a serious relationship. Let her go and she might find her way back to you at some point. Or she might not. Best concentrate on the people who do want to see you and make an effort.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 10/02/2020 06:50

If you are able to meet her without the kids, I would suggest that. I have 3 kids, but have no particular interest in meeting people's babies. I agree that she is saying polite stuff about the babies with no intention of following through. I was a very young mum when I had my first, so I know it can be very isolating.

snappycamper · 10/02/2020 07:00

I think she has moved on and sounds like she is in a very different place to you in her life. To be honest, when I was in my early 20s and had just graduated from uni, I would have felt like I had very little in common with someone who had chosen to get married and have three kids. I liked kids ok, but I still find other people's babies fairly boring (34 and I have a DD!). She might be keener to see you without the kiddos and with you talking about them all the time.

100% this. Honestly OP, you sound like a total baby bore. I get that you love your kids and are completely in thrall to them. You need to recognise that other people don't feel like that about your baby. Even your best friends are probably just tolerating your children. Your friends want to see you, not your baby.

Greyvan · 10/02/2020 07:01

Her apparent contradictory behaviour isn't odd at all - she's just suggesting meeting up but not following through on it purely as a way of fobbing you off. I do it quite often when I know people are keener than me on meeting up. Ideally yes people would speak plainly but that doesn't often happen in the real world, because it's seen as rude.

FamilyOfAliens · 10/02/2020 07:02

I speak to others and say have you spoken to x at all and they say no or some dont even have her number.

Someone doesn’t have their friend’s number? How odd!

Ullupullu · 10/02/2020 07:05

She's Just Not That Into You.

(OP I was the first of my friends to have kids. It really shows you who is there for you. She's at a different stage in her life. Focus on making friends where you live now.)

Urkiddingright · 10/02/2020 07:07

I don’t think she values the friendship in the same way you do. I think her life has moved on in a different direction to yours and she has little interest in maintaining the friendship.

Iamtooknackeredtorun · 10/02/2020 07:09

I suspect that your anxiety about having to make new friends is driving this more than anything. It’s causing you to cling on to this one person and she may be picking up on this and feeling a bit pressured.

Why is she still your best friend? Best friends, as an adult, should be an equal relationship. Open, honest, fun, a meeting of minds, there in a crisis (almost always) unconditionally. Even at a distance that should be the foundation of the friendship. I appreciate you’re both quite young still but this just seems like a school friendship that one of you has outgrown.

Also, bearing in mind she’s your best friend, she’s not really treating you very kindly is she? You’ve had children - has she offered to babysit or give you a hand with anything? Suggested a little break away whilst you’re pregnant? When did she last proactively contact you and ask how you are? How the children are?

I feel sorry for both of you. She’s young and childless. Free of responsibility and living a different life to you. She probably doesn’t mean to be preoccupied but equally it’s hard for her to relate to the life you’re living now. You’re feeling vulnerable and abandoned and that’s valid too.

I would step back and see what happens. Put her out of your mind completely and focus on trying to make friends locally. At university, baby groups, school gates when the time comes.

It’s not your fault. But it’s not hers either.

thekaiserswife · 10/02/2020 07:09

It's not about her being busy, or not having enough notice. Nobody is that busy.

She doesn't want to see you, if she did, she would have. She's trying to let this friendship fizzle out, but you keep trying to flog a dead horse.

It's time to move on and make new friends OP.

Bezalelle · 10/02/2020 07:13

You come across as quite pushy just from the tone of your posts on here. She probably likes the idea of meeting up in theory, but when it comes down to it, she is just too busy or doesn't feel like it.

loutypips · 10/02/2020 07:13

Sounds like she's not interested in the friendship. All the comments like 'l'd love to see the baby' are just out of politeness. And the ignoring your messages is a way of saying you're not such good friends anymore.

People move on in life, and although you may have been childhood friends, she's got her own life now. Cut back on the contact, move on with your life. She clearly has done.