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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who has no time at all, wwyd?

160 replies

Dyingdragon87 · 10/02/2020 03:03

Hi all, I've been friends with this person since year 2, and we're now both in our early 20s. Since she left secondary school a lot has changed I.e I've had kids, got engaged etc... she doesn't seem to have any time for me at all. DD3 was born November last year and she was one of the first people I let know because even though we drifted apart, I still valued our friendship. I got no response for a while. I try to call her sometimes, in fact I do try really hard to balance my work/social life with 3 young kids and I'm also in my 2nd year of uni so I don't often get time to see people but when I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy". When our twins were born in 2018, she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes because again she was just always too busy but I appreciated that she had got to meet them anyways. Since meeting my partner, I moved away from london and live up north. I do make trips back home to see family and whenever I am back, i always message her and say "hey, I'm here for x amount of days, do you have any free time we could have a catch up?" And the answer is always I'm too busy at the moment.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response. I had to call her AFTER I sent multiple whatsapp messages to find out that she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby. Now I'm not needy and I get that people have their own lives but if I with 3 under 3 whilst doing uni can make time for some why can't it work vice versa? She's never told me what shes actually doing, all I know is she graduated uni last year, but then again she hardly talks to me unless I call her. I'm beginning to think she's just too busy for anyone or for friends in her life which makes me a bit sad as we have a friendship of about 12 years and she's the only one I've kept in contact with from primary school. I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters. Should I just give up trying? Is she genuinely not interested? She always says how she wants to visit me when I'm up north but has never actually asked me for when I'm free etc and it's not looking likely. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes and she never actually mentions what she's doing, I would appreciate if she let me know then I could be a bit more understanding but from my point of view it just seems like can't be bothered.

OP posts:

FoamingAtTheUterus · 10/02/2020 07:14

Competitively busy people are tedious. Id stop bothering.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 10/02/2020 07:16

She doesn't make the effort to call you or see you, she says she's busy when you try to arrange something. I think she's moved on from the friendship sadly.

Whynosnowyet · 10/02/2020 07:17

She claims to be sooo busy living her soooo impressive life...
Bet you it's your life she really wants... Maybe she does want to see you but at crunch time it's too hard....

Lagrime · 10/02/2020 07:24

Bet you it's your life she really wants

Weird analysis. I most definitely wouldn't have wanted a life of marriage and children in my early 20s.

OP, I think your friend is just being polite. I'd throw yourself into local playgroups, etc. You're bound to make a friend or two there, and they will be friends at a similar stage of life to you.

Noconceptofnormal · 10/02/2020 07:24

I agree with pp, the friendship is not a high priority so whilst she might engage in the odd chat about old times, it's not a high enough priority for her to see you.

Don't feel angry or resentful, just let it quietly slip away and focus on friendships that are more reciprocal. You've moved to a new area and need to try and make friends in your local area.

rumandbiscuits · 10/02/2020 07:28

If she is giving you mixed signals then personally I know I would just outright ask her what's going on. It would annoy me too much. Text her something like 'hey, I know you are busy but it's been really getting to me that I am making so much more effort to see you than you are me. I give you plenty of warning before I come back and feel I am getting mixed signals from you as you say you want to meet but when I try to arrange something you say you're too busy. No matter how busy someone gets if they really want to make the effort to meet someone then they will. Is there something going on that you aren't telling?'

Dm5678 · 10/02/2020 07:31

Maybe she wants to see you, but without the kids. I have no kids yet ( a conscious decision) and I find it quite exhausting to spend time around them. Plus I feel like the mother is only ever half concentrating on our conversation/meal/activity. I don't mind kids, it's just that if I'm using my time to meet a friend I don't want to see their kids all the time! I might get a lot of hate, but that's the way it is.

Goatinthegarden · 10/02/2020 07:37

My friendship with my very closest and favourite friend has stood the test of time, because over the years we have allowed the other to become absorbed in their own lives for long periods of time without putting pressure on the friendship.

We’re in our mid-30s, having become friends in secondary. We’ve both worked abroad, moved away, come back, had all consuming jobs early on in our careers, made different groups of friends, etc. Now we live 5 hours apart. Sometimes we go through patches of whatsapping/calling each other daily. Sometimes, we won’t speak for several weeks. We can go a year without seeing one another, then see each other three times in a month. We both have full lives and don’t get jealous of one another when the other is busy, we just enjoy each other’s company when we both have the time.

Give your friend space and don’t issue her ultimatums or tell her you’re cutting her out. You have no idea how busy she is or isn’t or what is really happening in her life just now. She may care deeply and want to meet up (but really hasn’t got the time or ability) or she may not. If it’s a true friendship, she will stay in touch and your paths will cross again when life settles down.

Ragwort · 10/02/2020 07:41

Agree with Dm, do you make it clear that you can meet without the children? I had a DC much later than my closest friend and to be totally honest it was a bit of a bore always having to meet with the DC and do 'child friendly' activities, I did stick it out as I valued her friendship but when I had my DC, at 43, I made big efforts to not always see her with my DS .... now we are both in our 60s we totally enjoy our friendship (which dates to meeting in school) without children around .... although she tends to drag her DH along much of the time!

I have kept lots of friends from school/uni/work days but there have been long periods when the only contact is just a Christmas card. I am meeting with an old work friend next week I haven't seen for 10+ years ..... the OP does come across as being rather 'needy' in her friendships.

Wineislifex · 10/02/2020 07:43

Sounds like your lives have gone in different directions and she is no longer interested in maintaining a friendship. She’s not responding to your texts and when you call she’s doing the typical ‘oh yes be lovely to meet the new baby’ without making actual plans, so just being polite and hoping you’ll get the message when she continues to ignore your texts and attempts to arrange a date. Just leave it now and if she wants to get in touch she will.

Wandaneedsnewwindows · 10/02/2020 07:45

She’s moved on and doesn’t want to maintain the friendship. Life is busy and you’ve gone in different directions.

I’ve had a close group of friends since we were very young. I’ve got DC of my own, who I adore, but I really couldn’t care about meeting new babies. If I see a new baby, it’s because I want to see my friend, I don’t particularly have an interest in their DC. BIL and SIL are due their first DC soon and I’m really not bothered about that baby either. I feel no urge to visit. Don’t take it personally. It’s a fact that lots of other people won’t be interested in your DC and that includes close friends, too.

BeyondMyWits · 10/02/2020 07:47

I have a couple of lifelong friends from childhood (now 55) friendship has waxed and waned depending on where we all are in our lives. One friend had fallen out of touch other than a Christmas card with a catch up note in there (I did all the keeping in touch until I backed off and got on with life), then my mother died and she got in touch and we started where we left off.

Friendships are living breathing relationships - not always full on, they can often be on the back burner til a nudge that someone may need you arises.

SunshineAvenue · 10/02/2020 07:47

Let it go. For whatever reason she just isn't able or willing to meet up with you. It's really really hard when a friendship changes or fizzles out after you have been close, I feel for you. Stop calling, texting. I know you said you are shy but now is the time to work on making new friendships. You have young children so start there, playgroups/school etc.

Let it go.

PurpleDaisies · 10/02/2020 07:49

It annoys me that people assume you can’t be all that busy if you haven’t got children.

Two weeks notice for meeting on a weekend isn’t all that much. It just sounds like you’re in different places at the moment. Maybe set up a WhatsApp chat for low level contact and that might help.

PhilCornwall1 · 10/02/2020 07:52

She claims to be sooo busy living her soooo impressive life...
Bet you it's your life she really wants... Maybe she does want to see you but at crunch time it's too hard....

I haven't seen anything that the "friend" has been mentioning a "sooooo impressive life", just the opposite, she has said nothing. It just sounds to me that she has a life that now includes different friends, not friends she's had from school. It's not just the OP she's not seeing, it's other people that were in the friendship group, none of them have heard from her and some don't have her number, says it all. The only reason OP has contact is because she keeps initiating it, others aren't.

I don't think there are that many 20 somethings who want 3 kids if they have not long graduated and are building a career.

It's obvious the "friend" has moved on and is just being polite, instead of saying I don't want to see you, my life has moved on. Said friend is hoping the penny drops sooner or later.

fedup21 · 10/02/2020 07:56

You’ve been friends since Year 2 (age 6/7) which you say is a friendship of 12 years, yet you are in your early 20s? That doesn’t seem to add up?

CherryPavlova · 10/02/2020 07:57

I’m surprised with three under three and at university you have time to see her rather than the other way around.
I’m pretty sure she’s not jealous of your life; I know I’d be fairly horrified if my girls had three under three in their early twenties. Fine if you and your husband can support the family but it’s not a usual set up.
I suspect your friend doesn’t want to be unkind but is thinking your life choices are very different to what she wants and is distancing herself for friends who she has more in common with and who she shares aspirations with.
You probably need to find a group of young mothers who can relate to your life.

MimiLaRue · 10/02/2020 07:58

Agree with listen to her actions, not her words. OP- you have tried very hard to keep this friendship going which is admirable, but she clearly isn't interested. She hasn't invested as much in you as you have in her. I'm so sorry but thats the truth. You can make all the excuses you like but the bald fact is- if it was important to her, she WOULD make an effort wouldn't she? I know its a hard fact to swallow but you are going to finally have to accept now that she doesnt value this friendship as much as you do. Ive been there and it really really hurts.
You need to let her go. Stop contacting her and back off - if she cares then she'll contact you wont she? if she doesnt, then you have your answer.
I'd make an effort to make new friends - dont treat someone like a priority when all you are to them is an option.

HuloBeraal · 10/02/2020 08:01

She’s moved on. She is trying to be polite with all the ‘would love to see the baby’ talk. Who are these other friends? Are they also school friends? Maybe she’s moved beyond this circle and has new friends you don’t know.
She only saw your twins once for 20 mins so she isn’t interested in them. I know you would want her to be an auntie but I don’t think she’s ever shown the slightest interest (beyond banal polite chat) of being one.
And maybe yes the friendship does mean more to you and has for some time. I would let it go and not overthink it. I haven’t seen any evidence of these mixed messages you keep referring to other than the usual polite ‘will see you’ or ‘would love to meet up.’ I say the latter to plenty of people I am never going to meet. But if they turned up in London with a week’s notice I might not want to meet them and would make excuses but say ‘let’s catch up next time.’
Isn’t that how polite conversation goes?

Berrymuch · 10/02/2020 08:01

She probably wants to see you, but maybe has no interest in being around your children, sounds horrible I know, and they are obviously a huge part of your life now so it might just be a case that it's run it's course. She probably does enjoy reminiscing about the past, but it's not like that now as priorities change.

AnnaFiveTowns · 10/02/2020 08:01

To be honest when I was in my early 20s I would not have been remotely interested in meeting somebody's baby. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. I'm sure she still likes you but your lives have gone in different directions now. You need to make an effort to make some friends with kids the same age as yours. I appreciate that it's hard if you're shy and I know it's not easy - I didn't make "mummy friends" until my dc started school and I'm fairly outgoing -but you need to put yourself and your kids out there.

orangeblosssom · 10/02/2020 08:03

People change, friends drift in and out. Stop believing in the BFF mantra.

orangeblosssom · 10/02/2020 08:07

Sorry to be harsh but she's not interested in your kids. They can be very boring to non-mums.

Cherrysoup · 10/02/2020 08:07

It's taken me about ten years for the message to sink in with an old mate of mine. Her life has stayed the same-no serious partner, back and forth to Uni, lives the single life basically and always wants to meet up. Our paths have diverged, I'm not interested in travelling to Central London to meet up for drinks etc. She has finally stopped asking, I'm just too busy, I work full time and don't get home til past 6.

Give up, OP. she doesn't want to be your big mate anymore, sorry.

whitesoxx · 10/02/2020 08:13

That's not much notice at all. If you wanted to meet up with me at a weekend you'll have to wait til mid-March, and even then I can only do Sunday evening.

It sounds like you are hounding her and not taking the hint. Don't you understand that "can't wait to see the baby" is just one of those polite things people say. It's polite conversation.

As for "I always say a catch up between us, the baby is just an added bonus" The baby won't be seen as a bonus! Totally changes the dynamic.

A lot of this seems to me like you are struggling to read and understand general social cues and situations.

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