Friend who has no time at all, wwyd?

[Dyingdragon87]

Hi all, I've been friends with this person since year 2, and we're now both in our early 20s. Since she left secondary school a lot has changed I.e I've had kids, got engaged etc... she doesn't seem to have any time for me at all. DD3 was born November last year and she was one of the first people I let know because even though we drifted apart, I still valued our friendship. I got no response for a while. I try to call her sometimes, in fact I do try really hard to balance my work/social life with 3 young kids and I'm also in my 2nd year of uni so I don't often get time to see people but when I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy". When our twins were born in 2018, she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes because again she was just always too busy but I appreciated that she had got to meet them anyways. Since meeting my partner, I moved away from london and live up north. I do make trips back home to see family and whenever I am back, i always message her and say "hey, I'm here for x amount of days, do you have any free time we could have a catch up?" And the answer is always I'm too busy at the moment.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response. I had to call her AFTER I sent multiple whatsapp messages to find out that she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby. Now I'm not needy and I get that people have their own lives but if I with 3 under 3 whilst doing uni can make time for some why can't it work vice versa? She's never told me what shes actually doing, all I know is she graduated uni last year, but then again she hardly talks to me unless I call her. I'm beginning to think she's just too busy for anyone or for friends in her life which makes me a bit sad as we have a friendship of about 12 years and she's the only one I've kept in contact with from primary school. I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters. Should I just give up trying? Is she genuinely not interested? She always says how she wants to visit me when I'm up north but has never actually asked me for when I'm free etc and it's not looking likely. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes and she never actually mentions what she's doing, I would appreciate if she let me know then I could be a bit more understanding but from my point of view it just seems like can't be bothered.

Sorry meant to say your friend not you xxx

I had a friend I was "best friends" with for 15 years I always felt I was more Invested than her so I stopped messaging.That was 10 years ago and I haven't heard anything since,her loss not mine.

The friend lives In London! Of course she’s going to live with her mum, unless she fancies an exorbitant house share. I really doubt she is jealous of the OP having 3 kids and a fiancé and living up north, not that there is anything wrong with those things! But just not what the average graduate in their early 20s wants immediately (Or at all necessarily), nowadays... You’re just in very different live phases and that’s ok, OP. Please don’t issue an ultimatum to her, that would be weird and intense. Just accept you are less close now but you may become closer again at some point. For what it’s worth, I agree you may have no idea what’s going on with her. I think it’s hard to open up to some friends who are very busy/preoccupied with their relationships/babies/lives, so you really don’t know what’s going on in her life.

It sounds like she’s trying to ghost you but you’re being more persistent than she bargained for. It’s crap being on the receiving end of ghosting but who would really want their “friend” to phone you or meet up with the sole purpose of ending the friendship? It’s just not something people do.

You’ll hopefully make new friends through your dc op. Leave this one be for now, you might come back into each other’s lives in the future.

Snort at the jealousy comments. When I was in my 20s in London the very last person I'd have been jealous of was the old friend with three kids! If the friend was late 30s, then that could possibly be a valid explanation, but certainly not at this point in her life.

There was a similar thread on here over the weekend where a person had been repeatedly messaging old friend and getting no response and just not getting that it meant farewell.

If someone replies with platitudes, "Hmmm yes, we must meet up," etc etc but with no firm plans then it invariably means they don't want to see you . How can people not see this?!

I agree with pp to keep sending birthday/Christmas cards, as, because you are old friends, you could re-connect at some point as you have history. At the moment, however, the message is abundantly clear - she does not want to meet up.

Btw, serious overuse recently of this "ghosting" term. Ghosting surely means that someone "disappears" and you never hear from them again.

In this case (and many other "ghosting" situations on MN) the recipient of messages is responding, but just not in the desired way. They are being polite but trying to distance you.

Do people really want to hear home truths? "No, sorry, I don't want to see you because you are boring" or, "No, I won't be going out with you again because you have BO/flabby thighs/beer belly/halitosis" ?

Don't fall out with her OP, just leave it for a bit. Continue with birthday, christmas cards etc, the friendship may resurrect itself.

She may be working long hours and genuinely busy, without much of a day to day plan. Maybe she fancies meeting you for a catch up one evening after work in a pub - that's hardly going to work with you bringing a newborn is it?
It sounds like your lives are just very different at the moment.

I wondered if this was a reverse at first. However, as pp have said she’s not interested in the ‘mum’ version of you. I have a similar situation to this. I’m married, no DC. Old school friend is engaged and has 2 DC, she has a way more successful/high paying job than me. We live about 200 miles from each other.

We don’t meet up often as I work EOW and both busy with various other things going on. Nearly every bloody time we do meet she’ll bring one of the DC and TBH it annoys me. I do most of the travelling, which is fine as I get free travel but it changes the dynamic of the whole day. When she mentions me staying with them for a weekend to catch up over a longer period, I politely murmur ‘how nice’ but I know it would just involve doing everything geared to primary age children which just doesn’t interest me. Describing the baby as an ‘added bonus’ is strange, I’d leave it for now.

The bit that stuck out to me was your text - " Hi we are coming down to London, want to meet up so you can meet the newborn?"

As others have said, sometimes other people's babies are not very interesting. Especially the third.

I wonder if you would have had a different response if you had said "hi we are coming down to London, it would be so lovely to meet up and have a chat. I would love to hear how you are getting on"

Interesting that through this thread you have realised that you no longer have many similar interests. I hope other posts have helped you to deal with this situation with your friend.

When I had a single friend and I had dcs, I always saw her without my dcs. Fast forward to her having a child, and our meet ups had to include this dc. The last straw was spending my precious afternoon at a soft play . Ugh. I didn't even take my own dcs to those hell holes.

If she contacts you again and asks to meet, just say yes, where and when. Make it all her responsibility to plan and pin you down for a date.

Although I do cringe a bit when friends want me to be ‘aunt’ to their kids. I really don’t want the responsibility of buying birthday and Christmas presents for friends’ kids.

It seems to me like a friendship that has drifted off. She probably has new friends, and no particular interest in maintaining a long distance friendship.

Just let it go.
Keep it casual.

I have friends like this, every minute of their spare time is scheduled. You might get them for an hour between gym and meeting up with someone else on the other side of town, or between getting nails done and going to get fabric samples for their new sofa . These are just examples but they never want to budge on their very important plans so I just go along if I am free in their one hour slot or say no sorry doesn’t work for me. They’re starting to alienate their older friends now and newer friends are coming in it’s a bit of a constant cycle of friend shedding.

One of my friends actually suggested picking me up and taking me with her to get her car valeted so we could use the time to chat etc. I said no sorry I don’t take my own car to her valeted, can we not do coffee or something ? But the car had to to be valeted at that exact time.

Hi OP. I didn't want to read and run, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been on both sides of this situation. In my early 20s I really wanted to try and hold on to some friendships from University - it is clear now that certain friends were just not fussed about meeting up after uni/moved on from the friendship. It does make me sad thinking about it... but then I remember that these aren't true friends.

I am now at a point in my life where I am really content with good friends, a wonderful fiance and a successful business. There is, however, one acquaintance who I know through my fiance, who keeps pestering (sorry to use that word) me to meet up with her, with frequent calls and messages. Quite honestly? I don't know this girl THAT well, I have very little in common with her and she is really quite selfish. I've told her I'd be happy to meet for a coffee but we both work at awkward times, so finding a time is difficult. Am I fussed if we do meet up? Not really.

I am not saying for a second that you've been "pestering" your friend etc, and I agree that she is giving you mixed signals. But to be honest... I think you have to cut your losses here and leave the ball in her court. You will be so much happier.

PS - you're coming across as very defensive in some of your counter posts, when people are only trying to help.

Wow people are being harsh on this thread!

@Dyingdragon87 I sympathise, I have a friend like this too. She will always text me saying 'When are you free? I feel like I haven't seen you for ages!" and so we arrange a date, which she invariably cancels.

I don't think she does it out of spite, I just think some people don't realise the damage they're doing to their friendships by constantly treating people this way.

This same friend has just asked me to be her maid of honour?! Go figure.

Chillicheese123
i have this exact same friend. she wants to meet up, we agree. I end up going to her house "as it is easier" but then she'll have her Russian aunt there who can't speak English and wants to join in, or she is dealing with the window cleaner or something. Last time i said let's go out for lunch instead (to avoid this very scenario) and she left me between ordering and the food arriving to let the ocado man in.
bloody hell. I am busy too!

She still wants to meet up but now i just suggest somewhere convenient for me and of course she can never make that. Oh well.

Maybe she doesn't feel good about herself right now, maybe some mental health stuff going on or weight gain or something? I obviously don't know the situation at all, just a possible explanation for the mixed messages as she seems fine talking on the phone.

I voted YABU as she clearly doesn't want to see you and has no interest in your kids. Sorry to be blunt but if you meant that much to her, she'd fine the time for a phone call r a meet up as it is she won't even tell you what is going on in her life. The message could not be more clear.

I highly doubt that she is envious of the OP who is on her third child at the same age.

There’s virtually nothing about that that makes any sense all. These days anyone who desperately wants a baby just has one. Old style conventions and the need to have all your ducks in a row first don’t seem to apply any more. Trust me, whatever this is it sure as hell ain’t envy.

What's with this "she's probably jealous" stuff? How retrograde. The last thing most early twentysomething graduates establishing a career in London want is to be tied down with marriage and three kids. Great if it's what you DO want, but assuming any single, childless woman is obviously jealous is misogynist AF. In my early 20s I would have taken someone moving up north and having 3 kids as a pretty clear sign that they'd taken a different path and we didn't have much in common any more, tbh. And working life in London can be very busy with long commutes and travel across the city to see friends, post-work socialising and networking, etc. Many people can't be free at the drop of a hat even when someone they desperately want to see is in town.

OP, as PP have said... She really could not have told you any more clearly that she doesn't really want to maintain your friendship. She's not giving you "mixed signals" at all - you just aren't getting the message. We're English, remember. Culturally, we are never going to say "well actually, I just don't like you/want to see you"; we'll simply make the right polite, effusive noises about missing you and we must meet up sometime, then not follow through, and when this happens to us we'll accept that a nonspecific invitation was a courtesy one only. Do you struggle with social cues and expectations? You've invested a lot in this relationship, time which would probably have been better spent connecting with fellow mums or students near you. Uni is a golden chance to meet people.

Let her go. Just don't message again - a confrontation won't do anything but worsen things. Invest in building new relationships where you are.

I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters

Eeek, I just saw this bit of your post, OP. I really think the problem here is your dcs. If you texted your friend and said, "I have a night/afternoon/ten minutes free, could we meet up for a drink just you and me ?" then she might be more receptive. As it is you seem determined to foist your dcs on her and I think a lot of people would be backing off if they felt they were being lined up for godparent or "auntie" duty, especially if they were only in their 20s.

As brutal as it sounds, no-one is busier than someone that doesn’t want to see you.

I know this because I’ve been on the receiving end and it hurts.

Gut feeling is actions speaks louder than words.

Quit running after her, she's hopeless at being a friend - for whatever reasons, just stop wasting time on her.

I think people are being too harsh on you OP. As for your friend, I think you're simply at two very different stages in life and not compatible anymore. This could possibly change in years to come but for now I'd take a step back.

In my experience and that of friends/family, early twenties is often peak hedonism time. Not all, but most people of that age who have no major responsibilities are quite self-absorbed. It's often a selfish stage in life. This is totally fine but your case is obviously different as you have DC. She probably does still like you but can't be arsed making the extra effort or is not capable of understanding things from your perspective as your life probably seems alien to her.

It's shit but I would try not to take it personally. I know it can be hard to make new friends but I would try to find others who are in a similar stage to you and have more in common - it's makes life so much easier when your friends are on the same page.

When I was in my 20's meeting a baby was the last thing on my mind. I wasn't even in a long term relationship, was still more in to going out drinking & clubbing, meeting a friend who had just had their third baby wouldn't have come high on my list of priorities, babies still leave me cold now when my ds is 16. At your age I didn't have any thoughts of having children, tbh I didn't really have much interest in having a baby when I found I was expecting ds. People change, their priorities change, neither of you are the same people you were when you first became friends, you probably have people on your Christmas card list that you previously counted as friends who you now have less in common with than a total stranger. She has kind of moved you to someone on her Christmas card list, someone she knows but doesn't really have anything in common with.