Friend who has no time at all, wwyd?

[Dyingdragon87]

Hi all, I've been friends with this person since year 2, and we're now both in our early 20s. Since she left secondary school a lot has changed I.e I've had kids, got engaged etc... she doesn't seem to have any time for me at all. DD3 was born November last year and she was one of the first people I let know because even though we drifted apart, I still valued our friendship. I got no response for a while. I try to call her sometimes, in fact I do try really hard to balance my work/social life with 3 young kids and I'm also in my 2nd year of uni so I don't often get time to see people but when I do make the effort towards her, it's always "I'm too busy". When our twins were born in 2018, she managed to come over but only for 20 minutes because again she was just always too busy but I appreciated that she had got to meet them anyways. Since meeting my partner, I moved away from london and live up north. I do make trips back home to see family and whenever I am back, i always message her and say "hey, I'm here for x amount of days, do you have any free time we could have a catch up?" And the answer is always I'm too busy at the moment.

I'm currently in london atm, stayed for a week and I dont think I will be coming back as our kids are still very young and it's a bit difficult and so on, I called her last week and said hey I'll be coming down to London maybe you can see the newborn? No response. I had to call her AFTER I sent multiple whatsapp messages to find out that she had absolutely no free time. Not even 20 minutes just to see the baby. Now I'm not needy and I get that people have their own lives but if I with 3 under 3 whilst doing uni can make time for some why can't it work vice versa? She's never told me what shes actually doing, all I know is she graduated uni last year, but then again she hardly talks to me unless I call her. I'm beginning to think she's just too busy for anyone or for friends in her life which makes me a bit sad as we have a friendship of about 12 years and she's the only one I've kept in contact with from primary school. I did also think it was nice for the kids to have some sort of auntie figure as I dont have any sisters. Should I just give up trying? Is she genuinely not interested? She always says how she wants to visit me when I'm up north but has never actually asked me for when I'm free etc and it's not looking likely. When we speak on the phone it's for about 10 minutes and she never actually mentions what she's doing, I would appreciate if she let me know then I could be a bit more understanding but from my point of view it just seems like can't be bothered.

I think she's not interested in meeting up. She's trying to be polite and you're not taking the hint at all.
It's a bit like the end of a relationship really. You've drifted apart and you have very little in common any more. Your lives have moved on but in different directions. One of you isn't interested in maintaining friendship so makes noises about meeting up but has no intention of doing so.
Just get on with your life and send the occasional text message. See how she responds to this. Stop suggesting you meet up.
It's a shame when a friendship ends but you're just not compatible anymore.

I don't think she's jealous by the way. Fine, if you're happy with your family at your age but many people really wouldn't want to be settled with 3 children in their early twenties. If you were both late 30s and she'd been struggling to conceive or hadn't found the right partner then maybe you could say it hurt too much to be around your children.

Just let her go.

Maybe try saying 'maybe we can meet up because I'd love to see you' rather than 'so you can see the newborn'. One sounds like you want to see her, the other sounds like you want to sit and talk about your baby.

@TeddTess omg the ocado thing 😂 my friend works 4 days as a teacher and has the longest holidays of any teacher I know as it’s private school yet every day of her holidays she has things scheduled!! She has many different groups of friends - old school friends, uni friends, work friends, gym friends, church friends, even friends she’s met on holidays over the years , and she keeps all the plates spinning somehow !

I hadn't got loads of time for my school friends at that age. We'd see each other 3-4 times a year when we all went home for the big holidays plus a day or two of get togethers, based on all crashing at someone's house and getting really drunk.

I've no idea how a young married mum would have fit in, to be honest.

I am now a lot closer to some of my school friends, but some I've lost contact with entirely. Try not to see it as something personal, but as one of those things that happens.

Aww, this is sad. I'm sorry OP is getting a bit of stick for not picking up on social cues. It could be anything. But sadly, I think most people are right - it's a friendship that lived its natural lifespan. I'm not in contact with anyone from school now, and barely one person (spasmodically, on FB) from university. I'm in my mid 40's and honestly don't think I have a 'best friend' any longer - and I don't think it's that uncommon. Life moves on, we find different things we want to do with our time. Having children can be a real death knell to a close friendship, too. I've experienced that myself.

I did once send a Christmas card to an erstwhile bestie asking her if she wanted to be friends any more (I was also getting a few 'it'd be great to meet up!' messages but nothing more concrete) and she sent one back saying 'yes of course!! Love you lots' etc but in actual fact, that was about 7 years ago and we've still not met up again!

Try to accept it OP. You're at university - maybe there's a likeminded person there you can connect with? There are lots of other lovely friends you've not met out there waiting for you. Everything has its season.

It's lovely to have friends for life, but I don't know many people who have these. Possibly people who have lived in the same place all their lives and stay on similar life paths, ie marrying at similar times, having children of similar ages etc etc.

Relocating makes keeping friendships going hard. It's lovely to meet up for a drink, but a bit of a pain to have to host your friend and her family for a long weekend. And if you have dc you have "mum friends" for a few years. Some of these prove to be stickers, but more often than not you drift apart after a while because you don't actually have much in common apart from the fact your dcs were in the same class.

It's a shame to lose an old school friend, because one day it will be fun to reminisce about old times and how Mrs Broom the dinner lady shouted at Gavin Potts. So the OP should keep in touch - a light touch - with friend, but accept that at the moment they are just not at the same friendship stage.

I had a friend some years ago who I saw less and less of, particularly after my partner and I moved in together. She had a very wide circle of friends, but nevertheless made a point of contacting me every few months to talk exclusively about herself, would never ask about my life (now that I was 'paired off'), and would sign off by saying that we simply must meet up at some point but that she was too busy to do so now. A couple of years went by whilst this was happening, although I took what I thought was the hint that she didn't want to see me any more and so did not contact her myself. During this time she apparently flew out to see a friend in Malaysia twice, the second time apologising that she was too busy to see me because she needed to catch up with the friend who lived thousands of miles away whilst she couldn't find the time to meet up with me when I only lived an hour's drive away! As she sent me 'friendly' cards of this nature once in a while, I felt I should respond, and so I wrote back not long after my Dad had died to tell her of this and to say that we were expecting a baby in a few weeks. Several months later I got a reply from her with her rather belated condolences, again saying that we simply must meet up!

As other mumsnetters have said, nobody contacts someone to tell them that they don't want to see them any more, but at this point I did just that. I never did figure out what her behaviour was about, other than a suspicion that she didn't want to be seen as cowardly at being the one to drop me. Which I would have found far less perplexing.

I don't think OP's getting stick so much as that people here are in a position to tell her directly what her friend has been telling her indirectly, i.e. that the friend is not very interested in perpetuating the friendship. In all honesty OP's friend has been as clear as anyone can be in this culture, short of picking a fight or manufacturing a slight and using it as an excuse for an estrangement.

That doesn't mean she dislikes or cares nothing for OP now. You can cherish your memories of someone and wish them well in life at the same time as acknowledging that you don't have much room for them in your life at the present.

I can't imagine what I'd say if someone directly confronted me as to why I was responding to messages with, eg, "Oh, yes, let's get together sometime" when they were suggesting meet ups that I didn't really want to go on. I'd still be vague, and still blame it on being busy. There's no way I'd say, "You know what, Wilma? You and I have nothing in common any more and for that reason I want to end our friendship." No way! Why hurt someone's feelings when most people get the message. Obviously OP has been a bit slow off the mark, but surely this thread has opened the poor poster's eyes as to the reality of the situation.

Old friendships can still exist in a low key way. I've got a number of university friends made about 20 years ago that need little maintainence. Every so often there's a little flurry of messaging and an occasional* meet up. There is still a connection where we can talk quite deeply about life, often more so than current "lifestyle" friends.

Keep her number. Lower your expectations. If it is a lifestyle gap, it may close back up in the future. It depends on if your friendship has revolved around old sentiment or if there is some deeper wavelength in common.

• Occasional being not even annual. One long-distance friendship went 7 years without physically seeing each other, but we remain good friends.