To not allow my son to sleep over at his dad's house?

[housesharemum]

For context: we are both in our mid 20s, DS is 5. We've been split up for 3 years, DS's dad only sees him every 3 weeks and he lives approximately 45 minutes away.

I live in a two bedroom house, DS has all his amenities here and his own bedroom. He has never stayed over with his dad, except during the holidays when they go to ex-dp's mum and dads house.

We have just got into an argument because he wants DS to come and stay with him overnight when it is his weekend. Ex-dp lives in a house share with 4 other men (his university friends), all around our age. I said I would not let DS stay there for the following reasons:

1. I do not know the 4 other men.

1. They are mid-20's, so likely to want to drink and bring women home. That isn't appropriate with a small child around. It is also not fair to expect the 4 other men to adapt their behaviour for a small child.

1. DS doesn't have a bedroom there, so he'd been sleeping in ex-dp's bed whilst ex-dp slept on the sofa. He also does not have any toys, clothes etc. there.

Ex-dp is saying I am massively unreasonable and he should be able to make whatever decisions he wants when it is his weekend. He has said it is not 'cost effective' to drive 45 minutes each way, over two days, every 3 weeks. This weekend they have done nothing (despite me giving ex-dp £10 to take DS to an arcade) because ex-dp can't be bothered to book or organise anything in advance. So essentially he wants the option to be able to take DS back to his house and sit around watching netflix etc. all day.

He also didn't say goodbye to DS because I wouldn't agree to the above, and also insulted me. Irrelevant to my AIBU, but you can understand the type of man I am dealing with.

AIBU to not allow DS to sleep over at his dad's house given the circumstances?

I’m sorry, whilst I understand why you’re not keen I don’t think you’re right.

I would let him

You are not being unreasonable. I would not want my young child staying in a house with 4 unrelated strangers whom I did not know either.

YABU, this is his dad, you once trusted him enough to sleep with him. How is he supposed to build a relationship up with his daddy if you prevent him seeing him?

At the current time no I wouldn’t want my Dc staying over either however as you are both parents and assuming he has parental rights then I think you may need to discuss how he can have overnight access in the future and work towards it.

You’ve said DS doesn’t have any toys etc there but this is easily rectified. If you trust your ex with access and it’s purely the overnight arrangements then you probably have to discuss it in a civilised manner as he can always apply for a court order if you continue to refuse.

I don't prevent my son from seeing his dad at all, he is welcome to come here and to see him whenever he wants. It was suggested before Christmas that he start seeing him every other weekend, but ex-dp said that was 'too expensive' and we should stick to every 3 weeks.

I am just drawing the line at DS staying in a house share with people I do not know, who still go out clubbing/drinking of a weekend and bring women home. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with that, they are men in their mid-20s, I just don't think it's an appropriate environment for a child. And it's not fair to ask the 4 other men to adjust their behaviour when DS is around either.

I understand where you are coming from but not sure you have the right to say what he does in his contact time? I think you would probably have to take him to court and ask the court to agree it’s not suitable?

Court won't be an issue. For one, ex-dp is too tight to take me to court over it and he isn't interested in seeing DS more. This is all about making every third weekend as 'cost effective (his words, not mine)' as possible.

I wouldn't been keen on the people you don't know but at the end of the day you either trust his father or you don't. He's known these people for a while if they are from university and presumably he's made the judgment that they are OK for his son to be around. Even if they didn't live there you'd have no control over who your son sees when he is with his father so I'm afraid you need to trust him and put your feelings to one side.

I had this issue with exh when he moved from a flat by himself to an HMO. SS and Court both agreed with me and denied overnight access

It would be a good idea for his dad to make the stays as comfortable as possible for ds. Some toys and a pillow of his own. I would want ex and ds in the same room overnight though due to the houseshare situation.

I think it’s completely unreasonable to stop him. You expect him to drive 45mins there and back for two days and not have over night contact with his DC... that’s an awful way to treat your ex and to treat your child. Maybe go up to his and meet his housemates? I don’t understand mums who are so controlling and mistrusting of men they chose to have children with.

He’s likely to find he wants his own place/to not stay there if he has his child every other weekend at his place and the bond between them will get stronger, surely that’s what your DC deserves

YABU.
You don't get much say in who your child is around during the other parents co tact time. It is up to him and his judgement.
Toys and bed can be rectified easily, same as clothes etc.
If i was your ex i would be taking you to court to get set days/times/overnights that you can't then stop

I am more than happy for him to have overnight contact. He has had overnight stays with ex-dp at his mum and dad's house, sometimes for a week at a time. He is welcome to see him whenever he wants. He is welcome to book a hotel or air bnb and stay overnight with DS.

Where I am drawing a line at is what is essentially a university house, with men still in 'university lifestyle' mode.

Yanbu. I would be worried about my child's safety. He needs to grow up

Your ex I mean!

He has had overnight stays with ex-dp at his mum and dad's house, sometimes for a week at a time.

Perhaps he just wants time with his son by himself. It feels like you're punishing him because he shares a house with friends, perhaps he can't afford to rent on his own.

YANBU. I understand you are just trying to keep your son safe. I wouldnt want him exposed to god knows what at the shared house either. If his father was actually interested in spending more time with him he would have gone for the every other weekend as you suggested. If having him overnight is so important to him why doesnt he just take him to his parents house.

I spent most of my 20s in house shares. There was nothing particularly shocking going on. If you've never actually met any of the men, how much of this debauched lifestyle is fact, and how much your imagination.

Let him take you to court if he's bothered. Not sure why you're giving him money either. Does he pay maintenance?

Chuffingchuff Exactly. I am not restricting his access, I'd be more than happy to agree to EOW but he wasn't happy as he said it would cost him too much money. This is all about making things as cheap as possible, nothing to do with wanting to spend quality time with DS.

The issue I picked up on was you lending him £10 to take him to the arcades. Alarm bells ringing regarding him growing up to be the proper parent he should be.

YANBU at all. No way would I let my child stay in a house with 4 random strangers!

Yanbu

No way in hell would I subject a child to a house share like that. The set up is not ideal for a child, I.e his own space or possessions there and like you say you don’t know what’s going on in the house with random people coming back, alcohol, perhaps even drugs.

Considering that the ex only bothers to see the child once every three weeks, doesn’t even take him out despite being given the funds to do so, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be up for a Father of The Year award anytime soon.

When I was child my biological father stayed in a flat with a woman with whom he had a brief relationship. There was no space for me in the flat and I didn’t have my own room, bed or anything. I felt very uncomfortable and didn’t want to go over there. As I was older, my parents couldn’t make me go.

He pays maintenance, £50 a week. He is very stingy and usually ends up doing little to nothing with DS. They will sit and have sandwiches in the car outside of my house so that ex-dp doesn't have to spend money on proper dinners and can drop him back off as soon as I appear.

I gave the £10 because I felt sorry for DS and knew that if I didn't, he wouldn't have a cat in hells chance of doing anything fun. Even with giving the £10 they still did nothing, so that was utterly pointless.