To not allow my son to sleep over at his dad's house?

[housesharemum]

For context: we are both in our mid 20s, DS is 5. We've been split up for 3 years, DS's dad only sees him every 3 weeks and he lives approximately 45 minutes away.

I live in a two bedroom house, DS has all his amenities here and his own bedroom. He has never stayed over with his dad, except during the holidays when they go to ex-dp's mum and dads house.

We have just got into an argument because he wants DS to come and stay with him overnight when it is his weekend. Ex-dp lives in a house share with 4 other men (his university friends), all around our age. I said I would not let DS stay there for the following reasons:

1. I do not know the 4 other men.

1. They are mid-20's, so likely to want to drink and bring women home. That isn't appropriate with a small child around. It is also not fair to expect the 4 other men to adapt their behaviour for a small child.

1. DS doesn't have a bedroom there, so he'd been sleeping in ex-dp's bed whilst ex-dp slept on the sofa. He also does not have any toys, clothes etc. there.

Ex-dp is saying I am massively unreasonable and he should be able to make whatever decisions he wants when it is his weekend. He has said it is not 'cost effective' to drive 45 minutes each way, over two days, every 3 weeks. This weekend they have done nothing (despite me giving ex-dp £10 to take DS to an arcade) because ex-dp can't be bothered to book or organise anything in advance. So essentially he wants the option to be able to take DS back to his house and sit around watching netflix etc. all day.

He also didn't say goodbye to DS because I wouldn't agree to the above, and also insulted me. Irrelevant to my AIBU, but you can understand the type of man I am dealing with.

AIBU to not allow DS to sleep over at his dad's house given the circumstances?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable, I would be worried too.

YANBU

It’s his weekend not up to you to decide he has parental rights and is his father

I can see your concern. I would certainly want them.to share a room, j imagine others coming and going on the night could be unsettling for your ds.

If you went to court he would not get overnight access in shared accommodation. YANBU.

YANBU.

Everyone frothing away about how is poor daddy supposed to build a proper relationship and be a father... well, he could start by making sure his living arrangements are those of a father with a child to provide a safe, familiar home complete with personal space and bed for maybe?

Oh, but that would cost more, wouldn't it? Sounds like OP is bang on the money when she says, it isn't overnights he's so bothered about (especially as it seems he's more than welcome to have them, for multiple nights, with grandparent access facilitated happily too) - it's money.

He wants it all ways- to save cash and have fun by living a single guy, no dependents lifestyle in a shared house - but then to not have to shell out extra to travel for contact because his living arrangements aren't suitable for safe, appropriate overnights for a young child.

What's the solution? To move? No, silly! To make the child take the hit by sleeping somewhere temporary with no personal space, exposed to various people he doesn't know with the risks that brings (simple uncomfortableness as well as the more serious potential issues) and to be made to cope with everything else that would come along with staying in such a situation - loud late music, partying, exposure to drunkeness, etc.

Tell him to absolutely jog on. Parenting brings RESPONSIBILITIES. Either he steps up and takes on some of them, or he accepts that you get the final say.

The short answer from me, OP, is that over my dead body would I let a small child stay with their father in that situation. Any kind of decent father would know why it was a bad idea, and would bust a gut to find alternative solutions. Or would have to accept that, for now, overnights aren't possible. That set-up is not in any child's best interests.

How do you know about this apparent crazy lifestyle full of nefarious going’s on? Or is it all in your imagination because you clearly don’t like your ex.

45 mins is nothing, tons of people commute way more than that each way every weekday, your ex is being precious.
YADNBU in not wanting your 5 year old staying in a house share with 4 other adult men that you don't know. There is no way I would allow that.

My exh used to take my dc to his mates houses after bedtime hours
. They snoozed on chairs. A judge deemed that fine. His time to parent. His choices.
Yabu to not trust him. Student does not equal peado...

For everybody making pithy comments to the OP about her overreacting and saying she's a terrible mother for not encouraging the relationship...it's all a moot point! He would NOT get overnight access in shared accommodation. Aside from which, there is nearly always a clause about children staying in such tenancy agreements. It won't happen. If he wants to have his child overnight then he needs to arrange more appropriate accommodation at which point I am sure the OP will be far more comfortable in allowing overnights to develop going forward.

Definitely NBU.

Let him take you to court...which he won't.

If he wanted to be a decent father he'd see his child more often than every 3rd week and make him the priority when they are together.

WTF is wrong with people saying she is preventing the child from having a relationship with his dad?? She’s doing all sorts to make that possible, even though he behaves in an abusive and irresponsible way (insulting her; refusing to say goodbye to his son to spite her).You don’t just send a tiny child into an environment with 3 strange men because daddy can’t be arsed to drive on his contact weekend. WTAF

YANBU OP

It's not about these men being potential 'paedos'. The fact is they still want to booze, go out clubbing, bring women home. And why shouldn't they - they are mid 20s! BUT that is not an appropriate environment for a child, and it is not appropriate to ask 4 men to change their habits every third weekend just so ex-dp can be as stingy as possible!

As I have said, I am happy for ex-dp to see DS whenever he wants. If he wanted to have him every other weekend, after school, in the school holidays - marvellous. If he got his own flat and wanted DS to stay - marvellous. If he wanted to book a hotel or air bnb - marvellous.

He sounds like a waste of space. I don't see how he can use the 'expense' as a reason not to be with his son? He needn't take him to theme parks or dine out! Why doesn't he just take him to the playground, or to the library, or for a walk? I absolutely wouldn't let your child sleep over, as it doesn't sound like he's your ex's top priority.

My exh used to take my dc to his mates houses after bedtime hours
. They snoozed on chairs

And you thought that was a good environment for your children, whynosnowyet?

I think it is sad that an arcade is seen as fun for a four year old who sees his dad so rarely. Did you get your money back ?

YADNBU
If your ex wants overnights with your ds, he needs to provide him with an appropriate environment. He doesn’t sound at all dedicated to your ds. That would make me even more apprehensive. There are plenty of cheap or free things for little children to do. So why would he leave your ds to be bored?

To those saying he needs to live in appropriate accommodation - as a single person if he is claiming housing benefit, he will only get it for shared accommodation. This is not necessarily a choice.

Have you hinted that you’d be fine with him doing one day every 3 weeks instead of the weekend every 3 weeks? It doesn’t sound like he’s bothered about seeing DS, and he’d be saving the travel costs. As you’ve said, he’s welcome to catch up on the extra days with a week at his parents whenever. Maybe just let him know he’s off the hook, because he sounds lazy and resentful. Your DS doesn’t need to grow up with that.

I think you are being unreasonable. The other men in your ex’s house aren’t random strangers. It’s not remotely comparable to an HMO! They are his friends that he has know for years. Your son would probably enjoy spending time on his own with his Dad.

Yabu
He is is father and you are preventing him from building a relationship with his son. It’s easy enough to get a few toys and clothes there or send him with a bag. Also he will sleep in a bed so that’s fine.
You don’t know the men so you don’t know if they are all party animals or not. I would try and meet them. Unless you have a serious reason to believe, your son will be harmed by sleeping there then YABU.

Again how do you know they’re all crazy irresponsible boozers who want the student life? Who has told you this? What evidence do you have? Or are you just judging.

Houses of multiple occupants are very common these days due to finances of most and do not mean the inhabitants are irresponsible reprobates.

You said he lives with his friends, so I presume he knows and trusts these people. You don’t have to know and trust them, he can take his son around whoever he deems appropriate on his time just as I’m sure he doesn’t dictate to you who you can have your child around.

And actually if he took you to court he very well could get overnights. I work with a lot of families who have one parent that lives in a house share, they almost always get the contact they want.

You are being massively unreasonable and very controlling.

Is £50 a week the CMS assessment for somebody earning his gross income?

An Air BnB or Travelodge isn't a cheap option - the £19 a night places are few and far between in some locations. And it does sound like if he did that, you'd then be unhappy that he doesn't have his own bedroom or toys there.

If he's only on about £17k, there simply isn't the money to be able to afford much else - getting approved to rent a two bedroomed place would be nigh on impossible in most of the UK on that income, even before the maintenance payments and travel/essential car expenses for getting to work are taken into account or he has to save for a deposit.

He certainly wouldn't be able to afford to go to court for ordered contact time - not because he doesn't want to, but because he genuinely cannot afford it.

Seems a shame to put hurdles in the way of somebody who is paying maintenance and is maintaining contact on your terms, really.

Does he vet every person you have round your house? So why do you need to vet every one there. Why not take him to the house yourselve and get an idea of the people and the situation?. I think on the face of it yabu.