To not allow my son to sleep over at his dad's house?

[housesharemum]

For context: we are both in our mid 20s, DS is 5. We've been split up for 3 years, DS's dad only sees him every 3 weeks and he lives approximately 45 minutes away.

I live in a two bedroom house, DS has all his amenities here and his own bedroom. He has never stayed over with his dad, except during the holidays when they go to ex-dp's mum and dads house.

We have just got into an argument because he wants DS to come and stay with him overnight when it is his weekend. Ex-dp lives in a house share with 4 other men (his university friends), all around our age. I said I would not let DS stay there for the following reasons:

1. I do not know the 4 other men.

1. They are mid-20's, so likely to want to drink and bring women home. That isn't appropriate with a small child around. It is also not fair to expect the 4 other men to adapt their behaviour for a small child.

1. DS doesn't have a bedroom there, so he'd been sleeping in ex-dp's bed whilst ex-dp slept on the sofa. He also does not have any toys, clothes etc. there.

Ex-dp is saying I am massively unreasonable and he should be able to make whatever decisions he wants when it is his weekend. He has said it is not 'cost effective' to drive 45 minutes each way, over two days, every 3 weeks. This weekend they have done nothing (despite me giving ex-dp £10 to take DS to an arcade) because ex-dp can't be bothered to book or organise anything in advance. So essentially he wants the option to be able to take DS back to his house and sit around watching netflix etc. all day.

He also didn't say goodbye to DS because I wouldn't agree to the above, and also insulted me. Irrelevant to my AIBU, but you can understand the type of man I am dealing with.

AIBU to not allow DS to sleep over at his dad's house given the circumstances?

And its possible he may have a really fun and safe time

@atomicblonde30

As I said I commented based on my own life experience. As someone from an army background it's quite common for nrps to be in hmo situations and I know of civilian cases too.

I am NOT any of the names you called me which I won't repeat as I don't wish to have a post containing what will hopefully be deleted comments to also be deleted.

I have also had a good experience with a different sw under different circumstances which I have often mentioned on mn.

But yes my experience personally and what I've heard/seen of others of sw who deal with contact arrangements and advising courts on such matters is negative.

I won't say otherwise merely to protect your sensitivities.

I'm sorry if you're having a tough time currently but that's not my fault and I very much feel you're feeling annoyed about that but taking it out on me.

@atomicblonde30 don’t patronise me

She wasn’t joking as it transpires she was the subject of a complaint re fitness to practice

I saw this missing training due to work pressures all the time as an nhs employee

Notwithstanding this I’m afraid it’s often a tick box exercise
Training is only part of it

Same with the police

So many vital employees are out of their depth and family courts want a quick answer

Nobody’s patronising you - I simply spoke the truth. I really have no control over how you choose to view it, that’s your issue.

Nobody called you any names and you know it, I said you were being judgemental and a fantasist. Which as evidence by what you’ve written above appears to be wholly accurate.

You are very much wrong, but why do you think you have the authority on why I chose to respond? You absolutely don’t but yet it appears you’re going to decide for me anyway - again with the fantasies.

I simply spoke the truth as you profess you did, surely okay seeing as you so voraciously said so?

The only thing I’m annoyed about on this thread is people giving out false advice based on their opinion. That will not help the OP in any way, what will help her if she chooses to go down the refusal of contact route is that if he takes her to court he stands a very good chance of getting the overnights he wants. To say otherwise is reckless and irresponsible.

@atomic
No it’s not the truth.

If you want to believe your own hype go ahead but some of us - all too many of us / know how much of a state your workforce and others are in

Not your fault you’re just one of the foot soldiers

I guess if the courts will say it's ok, then the dad has the option to take it to court, doesn't he? Wonder if he will.

Advice based on experience is not advice based on opinion

No wonder people don’t trust social services

Yes it absolutely is @stop. Just because you think different based on your internal prejudices doesn’t make it true. My actual facts trump your opinions. No need to apologise, I’m not sorry I’m one of the many cogs in this machine, I’m fantastic at my job and have enriched and aided the lives of countless many children and their families.

No wonder people don’t trust social services so what I said from the start then? But no apparently that was me patronising you, more like I had you all social workers are crap attitude pegged from the start.

Twentysomething house shares are great, I was in two after I graduated. However, they’re no place for kids. He needs to find a flat of his own, despite being young he’s a father with responsibilities. I also think it’s unfair on his flat mates - I would not have wanted a kid around every third weekend back in the day but would’ve felt bad about saying no

No @atomicblonde those are my facts
I lived through that and so did my children so stop with your platitudes

I’m laughing at the fact you need to tell a total stranger you are fantastic at your job
How needy and overcompensating is that?

It means nothing to me
You do not speak for or represent your entire profession

You need to step back and appreciate that your profession as a whole had to live with the fact that many mistakes have been made and many lives manifestly not enriched.

You have absolutely zero basis to denigrate mine @Graphista or indeed any other “service use’s” ( cringe ) experience. The fact you do that merely confirms for me - that like the SW I had the misfortune to deal with - you are lacking in some of the qualities and characteristics required.

Your posts are gauche and fundamentally are odds with the reality of many service users ( cringe) some of whom are probably more educated, experienced and aware than you.

Christ what a fucking thread derail. Take it to PM if you want to argue about social work and family law. There’s great socials workers there’s rubbish ones, just like there’s great nurses and rubbish ones. Leave it at that.

OP to answer you actual question I think YABU unfortunately, I really do understand your issues but honestly the court would side with him in the overnights there would have to be some serious risks to make a court decide against overnights. Though YANBU in being so annoyed with him, he does sound like he just doesn’t really care which is awful.

That being said I do think you should do what I did with my ex and leave him to it, I doubt he will take you to court and if he does at least you’re prepared with the right info.

Why don’t you contact his parents and talk to them about your reservations? Maybe they’ll offer some compromise and work with you, I know I would in this situation.

@Bbang it is not a thread derail

I can tell you myself it is a short step from having an issue with something to do with their father to social services and their insight.

It is though, and quite frankly grow up. All of you are being fucking pathetic. I can see all sides but you’re arguing amongst yourselves and it’s not helping anyone. And to be blunt resorting to nasty insults like uneducated and lacking in experience when you can’t possibly know that is just plain nasty.

Like I said you all need to grow up and take it to PM.

It is a derail. It's become a row between two posters that's left the OP's situation behind.

You’re right @Bbang it has been derailed. I won’t bother commenting anymore, I rose to the petty insults which I shouldn’t have. Thanks for the ‘bucket of water’ if you know what I mean.

Lol you’re welcome.

Like I said above @housesharemum get the grandparents onside appeal to their better nature (if they have one that is) and avoid court if poss. That’s what I’d do.

How do you know he would not get overnight access in shared accommodation @TheFormidableMrsC ?

@Bbang no it is not pathetic
And please don’t use expletives

How many times on here have I read “call women’s aid, get your ducks in a row, blah blah blah”
The reality is that for many many people conflict during child contact leads to some form of involvement with safeguarding or some form of assessment as an supposedly impartial and level playing field.

Myself and others were simply sharing our experience that this objectivity and preparedness is or is is not always the case then a social worker decided to come on here and refute everything that had happened to us. Telling one of us that she was wrong about HMO’s and then myself about mandatory training as she was the social worker equivalent of the all seeing eye, which frankly and sadly is an oxymoron, tautology as you prefer.

Call it what you want. I will not stand down when someone who has zero knowledge of my situation has the temerity to to question the authenticity of my story.

And if you have a problem with that then derail or not it is just tough.

Oh do fucking bore off argumentative Annie.

But these men aren't strangers. The father knows them.

How you feel if he called your friends strangers?

If you had an old friend ask to stay overnight and he said because he didn't know her how would you ferl?

4 men you keep telling us you do not know but you know them enough from when you were dating and you still follow them on Social Media?

No Yabu, you do not get to dictate anything on his weekend. You do not need to spend money to spend time with your son, not your business what he does. Your controlling and dictating as your drip feed continues.

@atomicblonde30 thank you, I am glad a Social Worker has clarified a few points. I get so frustrated when reading posts like this. Children deserve Both parents in their life, not a tug of war point scoring exercise.