Genuine question - do you think he’s actually honestly interested in having a relationship with his son? In being a father?
You need to be honest with yourself on that one even if you choose not to be here.
Because if the answer is no, based on my own experience and that of many others you’ll see reported here and others I know of in real life, then actually the best thing you can do for your son is NOT to make it too easy for your ex, but NOT to make it too hard either and end up goading him into seeing the child purely to bug you.
It would be better for your child in that instance to let your ex fade out of his life while he’s young enough to forget him.
In hindsight I wish I had been given that advice.
Give him “enough rope” as it were. Don’t give him money to entertain your son, don’t bend over backwards with contact, don’t accept poor contact arrangements.
As per pp I know of several people where the ex took them to court trying to get overnight contact in hmo type set ups and I don’t know of one instance where it was considered acceptable to the court.
The men concerned were told to make alternative arrangements for their contact weekends which were more appropriate or to find more appropriate permanent accommodation.
The setup you describe I am confident would not be considered appropriate, especially for such a young child.
It hurts I know to accept that your child’s father isn’t interested in them but I wish I had done so far far sooner than I did. It would have been much better for dd if I had.
Is his £50 pw maintenance the cms min? If so then he’s on approx £23000 pa which while not a huge salary is certainly enough for him to live in a 1 bed flat in most places or even a self contained studio apartment. It’s not that he can’t afford to be a decent father imo it’s that he chooses to spend his money elsewhere. Ah - and it sounds like from ops update at 1958 he may actually earn more!
“if he's driving for 45 minutes there and back twice over a weekend that's 6 hours of driving” er...you need to rethink your maths! That’s 90 mins a day for 2 days so 180 mins which is only 3 hours! It’s nothing! As op said many people commute more than that daily!
When I was at uni as a mature student when dd was little I once locked myself out of home (lost keys although I suspect they may have been nicked - long story) and some uni friends very kindly let us stay in their shared house for the night. It was fine for one night in an emergency but it certainly wouldn’t have been appropriate as a regular thing with what seems apparent to me to be an uninterested, irresponsible parent who wouldn’t necessarily even think to cover areas like hygiene, child proofing, especially ensuring alcohol and other recreational substances were well out of reach, let alone regular meds like paracetamol and even vitamin tablets which I wouldn’t expect 20-something non parents to realise were a hazard. Let alone contingency planning for a 5 year old wandering in the night in an unfamiliar place, possibly sleepwalking or half asleep.
That one night the other students were very good with dd and as soon as they knew there was a child staying over asked me what needed to be out of reach etc but things were forgotten as they simply weren’t used to being around a young child. I did that thing cautious parents often do of only really “half” sleeping that night next to her (I had the sofa, she had 2 armchairs pushed together forming a sort of “cot”) and whenever dd did anything more than minor stirring I was up and alert.
I can’t see this guy being like that! So no, like hell would I put a 5 year old in that situation!