To not allow my son to sleep over at his dad's house?

[housesharemum]

For context: we are both in our mid 20s, DS is 5. We've been split up for 3 years, DS's dad only sees him every 3 weeks and he lives approximately 45 minutes away.

I live in a two bedroom house, DS has all his amenities here and his own bedroom. He has never stayed over with his dad, except during the holidays when they go to ex-dp's mum and dads house.

We have just got into an argument because he wants DS to come and stay with him overnight when it is his weekend. Ex-dp lives in a house share with 4 other men (his university friends), all around our age. I said I would not let DS stay there for the following reasons:

1. I do not know the 4 other men.

1. They are mid-20's, so likely to want to drink and bring women home. That isn't appropriate with a small child around. It is also not fair to expect the 4 other men to adapt their behaviour for a small child.

1. DS doesn't have a bedroom there, so he'd been sleeping in ex-dp's bed whilst ex-dp slept on the sofa. He also does not have any toys, clothes etc. there.

Ex-dp is saying I am massively unreasonable and he should be able to make whatever decisions he wants when it is his weekend. He has said it is not 'cost effective' to drive 45 minutes each way, over two days, every 3 weeks. This weekend they have done nothing (despite me giving ex-dp £10 to take DS to an arcade) because ex-dp can't be bothered to book or organise anything in advance. So essentially he wants the option to be able to take DS back to his house and sit around watching netflix etc. all day.

He also didn't say goodbye to DS because I wouldn't agree to the above, and also insulted me. Irrelevant to my AIBU, but you can understand the type of man I am dealing with.

AIBU to not allow DS to sleep over at his dad's house given the circumstances?

I'll probably be told I'm unreasonable here but if my childs father was a decent enough father (he's not, violent, drugs, no involvement etc) and I was in your situation (if I could afford to) then I would ask if he kept the weekly £50 would it be enough to house him in a place that would be more suitable to DS needs. Every 3 weeks doesn't seem like much for your child to see his father and I would be trying to find ways to help them build a better relationship if I was unhappy with the current arrangement.

Her two children are 12 and 7, male and female and they share a bedroom which is wrong but whatever.
It’s not wrong.

They aren't random strangers

They are the child's parents friends, whom that child lives with.

YABVU.

I can definitely understand your concern as a mother, but I think you have to realise your son is as much yours as he is your ex's and he has a right to have him overnight at his home. No decent father would let their son be in a precarious situation with men brining women home and being drunk etc in plain sight, and I doubt his housemates would do that anyway with a small child around. I think you need to trust his judgement, unless he has given you reason to believe your son would not be safe / well looked after there.

And why won't the tight bastard get your DS a few toys?

I don't think it would be a comfortable arrangement at all, let him stick to taking him to his mum and dads. I also do not understand why your little son is funded to go to an arcade , do you want him to grow up being used to gambling his pocket money on fruit machines?

YANBU - a university house-share is no environment for a child. Agree it sounds like he is just being very lazy. It’s up to him to find more suitable accommodation or just take your ds out for the day then return him home.
Stick to your guns. I suspect he will probably use it as an excuse for contact to dwindle off though (and tell everyone that the reason he doesn’t see him son is that his ex won’t allow him). It’s possible you are playing right into his court in fact.

If they are his uni friends then do you not know them all from when your were inactive relationship with him?

Yanbu. Age 5 needs a lot of looking after and even without all the other stuff I wouldn’t be comfortable with him sleeping in a house of strangers most of whom are not related to him in anyway.

If he wants proper shared custody with overnight visits then he needs to sort his own accommodation without flatmates, and a proper room / toys etc for DS.

(Also, what about when DS wakes up with nightmares / with stomach ache / with norovirus / wets bed etc etc your ex sounds like he hasn’t thought it through.)

The worst bit though is that he wouldn’t say goodbye to DS because he was angry at you. That is emotionally abusive to both of you and just horrible, I’d be trying to minimise contact as far as legally possible.

I think yanbu. your ex theoretically has equal parental status and ought to be able to do what he likes with "his" weekends. However, he has demonstrated that he doesn't have the mature responsibility to properly look after a child if he thinks that his HMO bachelor pad is an appropriate environment for a 5yo. so as he can't, you do have to be the grown up and insist that this just can't happen. like you say, an Airbnb or hotel would be fine but it seems he doesn't want to spend the money on that. Unfortunately your ex has a bit more growing up to do.

I totally agree with your concerns but his dad is the one who gets to make decisions when it’s his weekend.

Sorry. Better to use your energy thinking of how to make this better for DS (packing some familiar toys etc) than try and fight it.

@karencantobe. Well what makes you think that he can't, you don't know him either, as do none of us commenting do.
Well he could try to privately rent I suppose possibly. I agree with the OP not to let her son go, until he has his own place.
I am entitled to my opinion as are you. X

I don't think you can reasonably do that. Why not take DS over yourself and meet his flatmates if you're concerned? They might be really nice.

Woman - I facilitate my child's relationship with his parent in every way I can, including financially and offering him more time. But he's made a proposition that makes me concerned for my child's safety.

Randomers - Bitch.

I understand why you're uncomfortable with that. But it's his weekend and I think he's able to make the right decision regarding his own son

The worst bit though is that he wouldn’t say goodbye to DS because he was angry at you. That is emotionally abusive to both of you and just horrible

He's a knob.

YANBU at all.

No way I would let my child stay overnight with 4 adult male strangers.

Totally agree with you. No way would I allow my DS to sleep there.

@copperoliver I said if he is on benefits. If he is receiving what was housing benefit then he will only receive enough to live in a shared house. There is usually a big difference between the cost of a room in a shared house and a 1 bedroom flat.
The reason I wondered if he was receiving some benefits is his child maintenance is low, OP has been asked if he is paying as much as he should, and OP has not answered. He is also complaining about the cost of travel which for anyone not on a very low income would be no big deal.

Your right. It is not an appropriate set up for a child.

I would make it clear if he gets his own place then DS can stay over, and your not opposed to sleepovers with him, just not in the current set up.

YABU.

There is nothing stopping you going and meeting his friends to find out what they are like. Most uni students now do not go out drinking etc as they are too poor.

Unlike other people I've met who are separated parents at least these guys are your ex's friends, not random strangers who have either got children themselves or doing jobs where they have to be DBS checked.

And your ex and son can easily share a room due to your son's age.

And I did not even say OP should allow overnight. Simply pointing out that the advice he should move to a 1 bedroom flat may be something that is unachievable.
It is easy for strangers to say others should just spend more money to make something happen, when they have no idea how much money someone actually has.

I would absolutely not let my child sleep in a house with four adult strangers who I don’t know or trust. No way in hell.

In my opinion, you’re not being unreasonable, you’re being very responsible.

Sorry that I haven’t read the full thread, but could you offer to let him stay the night at his grandparents’ with your ex there?

Do you and your ex get along? Can you tell him why you feel uneasy? Or will that cause a big fight?

1. I do not know the 4 other men.

He does. Do you trust his judgment?

2. They are mid-20's, so likely to want to drink and bring women home. That isn't appropriate with a small child around. It is also not fair to expect the 4 other men to adapt their behaviour for a small child.

I don't think it would be too much to ask his friends NOT to come home drunk or bring women around when the child is there, assuming it wouldn't be every weekend. Would he do this?

My son's friend's flat tends to be 'party central' but when his son is there it's absolutely clean and there are NO shenanigans allowed. Admittedly a shared flat is a different thing, but that's up to him and his friends.

3. DS doesn't have a bedroom there, so he'd been sleeping in ex-dp's bed whilst ex-dp slept on the sofa. He also does not have any toys, clothes etc. there.

The first is no big deal although personally I'd probably sleep with my child if the bed was big enough or on the floor in a blow up bed next to my child. The second is easily rectified.

I think you're unreasonable not to allow the overnights assuming that you trust his father's judgement AND his friends would agree to 'appropriate' behaviour. The sleeping arrangements and lack of toys are easily rectified and present no real obstacle.

Sorry I missed the last bit of what you said. Doesn’t sound like you can appeal to him.

I’m kind of shocked by all the posters who say that you should let him stay. With four adult male strangers?! Even if you went over to meet them, how would that tell you enough?

This would be a no way, no way whatsoever for me.