Friend didn't tell me the truth about baby daddy

[WhalesharkSubmarine]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable or whether this is even an issue.
My friend and I are very close and had our ds's about three years ago. We talk everyday and have been eachother's rocks. Her baby daddy is from a different part of the world and hasn't stepped up at all since she had her ds. She's been to visit him and he's been disinterested and irresponsible. He finds it hard to find work and once she found hundreds of messages from other western girls on his phone, most of them on gap years. They broke up and she's been raising ds mostly on her own, with the odd Skype call.
Last week she mentioned to me that it was her baby daddy's 24th birthday. 24! We are mid thirties. She laughed and said he lied about his age when they first met and slept together. But surely you know if someone is 20 right? I mean her ds is 3, they were together for a bit before so he was really young when they met.
I feel like this puts a whole different spin on him not stepping up. I mean not only is he on the other side of the world, from a different culture but he's also a lot younger than us. I know that women who get pregnant at that age and younger have to grow up but I think that's partly due to biology. I think it must be hard for a young man in a different country to comprehend that there is a dc that he can't visit who needs him to get a job.
Am I just making excuses for him? I won't treat her any differently but it will affect the way I see him and his actions.

The expression 'baby Daddy' sets my teeth on edge. @DowntownAbby - I'm with you.

YABU and baby daddy is such a crass term. Many young men are fantastic Father’s, it’s a total cop out to blame your age.

You're projecting.

What do you want from your friend? An apology? You seem to have taken it personally that she had a child with someone whose age she neglected to tell you. What do you want?

Why are you still going on about the term 'baby daddy'? It clearly is the case that it isn't a crass term in the OP's culture, so you're just either demonstrating your ignorance of cultural differences or that you haven't read the thread.

I must be hanging out in the wrong circles. How many women do you know who have had babies with Honduran villagers?

This guy is exactly what the term implies, he fathers children with women and has very little contact with them

Why are you using the multiple here? Is there other children with other women?

@Mittens030869 and people wonder why MN has the reputation it does when two separate posters tell people that this term is used in their communities and yet people still ignore them

I'm not going to stop using it because loads of white women tell me it's wrong

Wow. Nice racism there OP.

Also, words have power. Maybe cultivate some respect from these 'baby daddy's by calling them what they are. Feckless arseholes.

@NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat I literally can't be racist towards white people as you have created every single system, hierarchy and society that I live in.

2 poster out of 50.

It's common and crass stop using it and grow the fuck up.

By the way we like our reputation it's well earned.

Well what is the OP’a culture? I would be interested - as I said earlier it’s only cultural roots are in the Jamaican language.

I’m anycase OP clearly is trying to deflect from being an awful goady and judgy friend.

People attacking the OP for the term baby daddy are pretty vile, things like asking if we are on Jeremy Kyle is just bullying. No wonder Mumsnet has the reputation of being a bunch of middle class snobs.

Is it realistic to expect the father to contribute financially? I have no idea what earnings are in Honduras but how much of his weekly earnings would £10 for some nappies be? If he is on a very low income would that be leading him to severe poverty?

I just googled minimum wage in Honduras and it is less than $8000US a year or around £6200.

I do think the age gap is a bit icky, but loads of young women have relationships with older men too. I'm guessing the age gap is around 10 years which isn't outrageous.

YANBU for being concerned about her son facing some of the same struggles you have, hopefully if you are long term friends with his mum you can also be a friend to him and help him.

Was it a casual fling that she got pregnant from? If so I do think it is unrealistic to expect the dad to be involved, I'm assuming the pregnancy was not planned. It is pretty shitty that he didn't bother to show an interest when she visited though, at least giving the child some contact would be the decent thing to do.

Does the child have any contact with grandparents or other family members?

I'm half Peruvian so I can use whatever English words I like.

I literally can't be racist towards white people as you have created every single system, hierarchy and society that I live in.

Well I don't agree. I think you can and are being racist.

Furthermore, what's with the 'you'? Can you see my skin colour?

By the way we like our reputation it's well earned

You sound like a real bundle of joy. Do you like bullying and looking down on people in real life too?

Half Peruvian?! Ok well then you’ve got a bit of cultural appropriation on your hands there then love.

But perhaps only white people can In appropriately steal language of others...

How do you know they're white.

He was plenty old enough to have sex knowing what might happen
He should pay for his child.

Also perhaps you should learn the term racism whilst your stealing other people’s terms.
I mean use what ever terms you like, everyone can, but don’t say it’s because it’s from your culture.

I didn't bring cultural appropriation into the debate, you did.
I just said please don't slag off a term that's used by a large proportion of people as being 'chavvy.' Do you see how offensive that is?

I didn’t say it was chavvy

I just don’t like people getting all defensive about their cultural language and white people being all racist. When it isn’t even your cultural language

You could of just said. I like the term. I use the term. You can all fuck off. You’re the one who brought race into it

Ginger

MN has a reputation which is mentioned by every poster who gets their arse handed to them.

MN does not suffer fools.
Take your faux upset elsewhere.
Had you met this OP on the street you would not look twice.

I have reported your racism. Unacceptable.

I actually agree with you. Don't studies show that our brains don't reach maturity until our mid 20s?

He's still a dickhead but less so because he's only just in his 20s rather than a 30 something who was trying to reclaim his youth for a second time. This is his youth. He should be clubbing etc.

Re: using the term 'baby daddy' - it would be totally cringe if I said it, because I'm an old decidedly unhip white woman. But if that's how you speak it's totally fine and normal and not cringe in context imho so dunno why you're getting a hard time about it

So....what do you expect from your friend?

Well what the fuck do you want your friend to do?! She's raising the child single handedly whilst he's taking no accountability.

And you don't get to decide what is and isn't racism because you're dual heritage ffs.