Friend didn't tell me the truth about baby daddy

[WhalesharkSubmarine]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable or whether this is even an issue.
My friend and I are very close and had our ds's about three years ago. We talk everyday and have been eachother's rocks. Her baby daddy is from a different part of the world and hasn't stepped up at all since she had her ds. She's been to visit him and he's been disinterested and irresponsible. He finds it hard to find work and once she found hundreds of messages from other western girls on his phone, most of them on gap years. They broke up and she's been raising ds mostly on her own, with the odd Skype call.
Last week she mentioned to me that it was her baby daddy's 24th birthday. 24! We are mid thirties. She laughed and said he lied about his age when they first met and slept together. But surely you know if someone is 20 right? I mean her ds is 3, they were together for a bit before so he was really young when they met.
I feel like this puts a whole different spin on him not stepping up. I mean not only is he on the other side of the world, from a different culture but he's also a lot younger than us. I know that women who get pregnant at that age and younger have to grow up but I think that's partly due to biology. I think it must be hard for a young man in a different country to comprehend that there is a dc that he can't visit who needs him to get a job.
Am I just making excuses for him? I won't treat her any differently but it will affect the way I see him and his actions.

I can understand where you are coming from. You assumed the dad was of similar age to you, not someone ten years younger, who was only possibly 20 at the time, and possibly having a holiday romance with an older woman?

I’ve heard it plenty in white communities. Teens from families of low economic status.
I was quite shocked when the poster said she was in her 30s.

@standrewsschool bless you for “holiday romance”.

I’m not going to stop using it because loads of white women tell me it's wrong

I must have missed the White women can’t post on this thread disclaimer in the thread title.

Are you baby mummy?

You can call someone Gordita which means little fat girl in some Latino countries and it's a term of endearment. My dad calls me it all the time.

Nah I had 2 kids before I was 25 and managed to 'step up'.
This excusing men at that age who get women pregnant is along the lines of 'boys will be boys' and 'girls mature faster'. It's let's men off the hook for their shitty behaviour, while women are held accountable for their supposed maturity at the same ages.
Load of shite.

AllPointsNorth I've heard it used a few times by white girls. Regardless of race, it seems to mean is, "like billions of other women across the globe, internalised misogyny and low expectations of men mean that I think it is reasonable for me to take all the responsibility for caring for the child we conceived together. My expectations are so low that I even have a cutesy name for my baby's absent parent".

She would have known he was really young even if she didn’t know his age. Considering most 16-21 year olds don’t look too different from each other there is a strong chance your friend likes teenaged boys (or teenaged looking men) and may have deliberately approached him because he looks young. Still doesn’t excuse his actions though.

The point is, is this knowledge going to change your friendship or not?
I hope not, life is hard enough as a lone parent without losing a good friend over something as pointless as this. The children and your friendship are what should matter.

*Today 16:06 AllPointsNorth

It’s a common term for a man fathering children with multiple women without the expectation that he’d step up and be anything other than a sperm donor though.
Why is it an issue for posters if it isn’t one for the OP?
Bookmark*

Because such a term enables and allows a situation where feckless shits can continue to behave in such a manner.

‘I was only ever a baby daddy innit. Not a father’.

Language creates environments and society.

Annoying bold fail. Apologies.

Anyone else wondering where the OP bought her glasses from?

You know, the ones that mean you can look through your screen and see what colour Mumsnetters are?

He’s half way round the world, unlikely to get the right to remain and work here and probably on a minuscule income. Just like he was when she met him.

He should probably have considered the visa/immigration parenting logistics before impregnating lots of women he barely knows willy nilly... if you'll excuse the pun.

He's in his 20s. He's not a child, and neither is your friend. Old enough to put a condom on.

Does the OP consider her friend a baby mama?

Racist too. Nice

Whether you like it or not ‘baby daddy’ is a term that comes out of African American / African Caribbean / Jamaican language. So a list of posters turning their nose up at a common term are quite likely to be white, and it is very snotty (at least ) to criticise a commonplace term.

@AllPointsNorth no of course not. I will always have her back. It does give me a little more insight into her baby's daddy actions before but he seems to be better recently so I hope they continue to co-parent the best they can. I was raised by a single mum with a dad from a third world country who was minimally involved, so I know that she and her ds will be fine.

I think you other posters are being immature as well tbh. Can't we just move on from this argument over the OP's use of the term 'baby daddy'. The OP isn't going to stop saying it because you all lecture her about it being an awful phrase to use. (The OP was very rude, too, though.)

And you need to accept what she says about Latino culture, 'little fat girl' obviously is a term of endearment there. In Africa, extra weight is prized too. It's because it's a sign of wealth in poorer countries. Are those of you arguing with her familiar with Latino culture?

en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/baby_daddy

It does’t have to be a pejorative term, it often means the same as ‘biological father but we are not in a relationship’.

This man was old enough to impregnate your friend, he’s therefore old enough to take responsibility for his child. The term “baby daddy” in and of itself undermines the importance of being a parent. That’s my issue. A three year old is not a baby and needs a strong role model.

Be more supportive of your very close friend. As women we should stand together and not make excuses for the men in our own lives, let alone those who are shitting on our friends and their children.

It doesn’t matter how old the child’s father is. He needs to step up regardless of age.
He has fathered a child. His age and where he lives are no excuse.

Just a question to you, what colour do you think I am? From what culture? You can’t assume that the whole of mn are white females.

I must have missed the White women can’t post on this thread disclaimer in the thread title

Errr, no one said women of any kind can’t post. The objection is to a load of women objecting to a term that has culturally specific origins.

Haha! The OP's got exactly what she wanted here

Unless she's literally just stumbled across Mumsnet, she'll know that some threads go into meltdown just over the use of 'Hubby'.

There's nothing like irate Mumsnetters to cure the boredom on a stormy day.

What did your friend expect? Did she think he would step up? Was there a conversation about having kids together? Was it even a relationship that had "becoming a family" as a goal? Did they use contraception (and it failed) or was it just throw caution to the wind?