Friend didn't tell me the truth about baby daddy

[WhalesharkSubmarine]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable or whether this is even an issue.
My friend and I are very close and had our ds's about three years ago. We talk everyday and have been eachother's rocks. Her baby daddy is from a different part of the world and hasn't stepped up at all since she had her ds. She's been to visit him and he's been disinterested and irresponsible. He finds it hard to find work and once she found hundreds of messages from other western girls on his phone, most of them on gap years. They broke up and she's been raising ds mostly on her own, with the odd Skype call.
Last week she mentioned to me that it was her baby daddy's 24th birthday. 24! We are mid thirties. She laughed and said he lied about his age when they first met and slept together. But surely you know if someone is 20 right? I mean her ds is 3, they were together for a bit before so he was really young when they met.
I feel like this puts a whole different spin on him not stepping up. I mean not only is he on the other side of the world, from a different culture but he's also a lot younger than us. I know that women who get pregnant at that age and younger have to grow up but I think that's partly due to biology. I think it must be hard for a young man in a different country to comprehend that there is a dc that he can't visit who needs him to get a job.
Am I just making excuses for him? I won't treat her any differently but it will affect the way I see him and his actions.

YABU to not only use the phrase ‘baby daddy’ but to use it repeatedly

My opinion is it doesn't matter how young he is, he should have thought about that before slinging his dick around.

Are you guys here to give advice or keep yapping on about a silly throwaway phrase?

Indeed. I feel like we're back in the playground on this thread.

I mean I was pretty self centred at 22

You sound pretty self-centred now, if you think your friend owes you what you clearly consider key information about her child's father, who is a total stranger to you and lives in another country. Why should she prioritise what you might think of a man you've never met and who is nothing to do with you in her description of him to you?

The only reason the OP has used the term so repeatedly is as a f... you to those of you mocking her. You really do all seem so childish.

It's none of your business who she slept with? Who she had a baby with, who cares if YOU see him differently lol.
Worry about who you have a child with and your business.

Being 22 is not an excuse. Young adulthood ends the second that baby is born.

However, Given exchange rates and local economies, it is entirely possible that there is no way for him to contribute financially in any meaningful way.

I see what you mean OP. It doesn't change or excuse how he has acted, but in regards to your friend it does seem like something that would have naturally come up in conversation.

@1300cakes thank you!! That's all I wanted was one person to see where I was coming from. A 20 year old who doesn't speak much English and lives at home with his mum playing computer games is obviously still accountable, but maybe she should have been less shocked when everything didn't turn out great.

Yup just sound quite nasty. Revelling in someone else’s mistakes.
With your fake baby daddy shit.

I really hope you’re from Jamaican heritage or at least African American otherwise you are using cultural appropriation.

At that age I had 2 children. I stepped up because it’s the fucking thing that you do.

I was wondering when "cultural appropriation" would be brought into this thread.

@aroundtheworldyet I'm not revelling. Did you read my posts. I'm in exactly the same situation as her son! I grew up with my father absent due to my mum choosing to have a child with a man who wasn't going to be able to come to the U.K due to visa restrictions. I think I'm able to comment on how her son might feel in a few years!
Yes accidents happen but deciding to have a child with someone who has very little chance of being able to play an active part in his child's life is very different. Very different to a woman who is a single parent through circumstances or abuse.

Eh? You’ve come on a public forum to slag your friend off and gloat a bit because when you found out the truth it made you feel a bit better about your own shitty decisions.

Dear internet, my friend chose a shit partner and now I feel better about myself and can gloat a bit- thanks

You made out like she was shocked things didn't work out? So, she didn't have a child with someone just assuming he wouldn't step up etc.
A man can live on the same road as you and still not step up, obvs his circumstances are harder but the way you speak about her you are not a friend and I would hate if any of my friends spoke about me like you are her.
She obvs loves her son, I assuming is doing her best and bringing him up alone... support her don't judge her and comment on how her son feels!? What's wrong with you.

I think friends can be honest. I told her from the start that she should be prepared for things not working out as there are a hell of a lot of obstacles to overcome, distance, money, culture, language. I supported her when she saved to go over twice a year, I helped her with her homework when she wanted to look into if them marrying would make it easier. And I held her when she cried when they broke up.
I thought he was a bit of a bellend but when I heard that he was only 20 I did feel a bit annoyed at her as this would have been a sign that it probably wasn't going to last. I think she should have been a bit more cautious as there's now a child involved who is going to grow up a lot like I did. Missing half of his culture and with a mum who can't talk to me about racism or why I can't speak Spanish or why I don't look like anyone in my family.

@WhalesharkSubmarine What has the choices your friend has made got to do with you?

Sounds like you have issues you need to still deal with and not push how you think and feel onto your friend and her son!?

Yes everything you stated you should be doing if you call her your friend.
Posting on a forum about how she shouldn't have been suprised it didn't work out etc ... why!? What did you gain.
20 or not... a 40 year old could have acted the same.

I'm glad you're not my very close friend. My friends are supportive, kind and even when I'm being a dick wouldn't go on the internet to defend my DD's sperm donor.

Christ the more you post the more awful you sound

I actually agree with you OP, to some extent. It was dumb of her to expect a UK type 'family unit' if the cultural norm isnt that.

However, at what age DO you expect a man to grow up? 25? 27? I think age doesnt mean you cant be a decent human being.

Some men at 20 are like this, that in itself isn't surprising, but it's not an excuse. My DSis's DSS is now 22 and in the army, married with 2 DC. It's not an excuse not to step up to the plate. If he wasn't mature enough to take responsibility then he ought to have taken precautions to avoid it, all he had to do was to use a condom.

She was a bit clueless, too. But the OP is supposed to be her closest friend. I'd be devastated if a close friend of mine slagged me off on an Internet forum.

I suppose maybe what I should have posted was 'do you have to take some responsibility for choosing to have a child with someone who hasn't shown that they would be a good father?'
I see this a lot. Man says he's not ready to commit, woman gets pregnant, shock! Man doesn't commit. Woman goes travelling, gets pregnant by a man who lives in a small village in Honduras, finds that he can't suddenly earn enough to move to the U.k and buy a two bed semi in Slough. I mean, surely some of these could have been predicted? Yes he should have used protection but responsibility has to be on both sides.

You're unbelievable.