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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 09/02/2020 13:56

If your cousin is Spanish and over here settling her kids in school, dependent on him to be able to remain in the country etc then she's in a very tough position Sad. He sounds utterly dreadful. The fact that she was calm sounds like it isn't remotely out of the ordinary for her - if my DH behaved like that I'd be ushering him into another room for a chat or leaving asap because I'd want to know what the heck was going on. She knew what was going on and was trying to make the best of it anyway/not make anything worse. What an upsetting situation.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 09/02/2020 13:57

He sounds like a muppet and I wouldn’t want him in my house again. Please do send an apology to the catering company.

simplekindoflife · 09/02/2020 13:57

Your DH sounds amazing and you shouldn't have apologised for it.

Your cousin's H is a twat.

Shockers · 09/02/2020 14:01

Your husband is ace. I wish everyone had the strength of character to call out shitty behaviour instead of being ‘polite’ (although he did do it very politely, under the circumstances, I thought).

NigellaAwesome · 09/02/2020 14:06

Your DH is a superstar. Well done him.

Your cousin's DH sounds like a wanker, and she would be better saving the money from her boob job to spend on a SHL.

iem0128 · 09/02/2020 14:13

Think you should get a little book and write down all his unfunny bits and make a TV comedy with it. Remember Men behavingly badly! From his perspective, he's normal!

postopworry · 09/02/2020 14:24

just another one to say your DH did absolutely the right thing to stand up for you but sadly this also seems like classic abuser to be working on alienating your cousin from anyone he feels a bit threatened by. How awful to think she is probably starving herself to get away from being called fat by him and now is looking at surgery (and surgery is never without risks) to live up to what he wants, a completely false Barbie shaped body.
If you can let your cousin know that despite her H you will always be there for her, and say that she has the right to be loved whatever her body shape and it does not need to be surgically enhanced, you will be helping.

Bringringbring · 09/02/2020 14:24

I just can’t fathom how you, your DH and other adults waited until the end of the evening, only until he said something to you, did one adult, your DH, confront this fool.

He’s a lost cause but I’m pretty gobsmacked no one manned / womaned up to him a heck of a lot earlier in the evening.

Bringringbring · 09/02/2020 14:29

It needn’t be high drama shouting.
Just “enough please with the rudeness” along those lines

TheBouquets · 09/02/2020 14:31

OP could you try to contact your cousin at times when you are fairly sure she wont have her awful H around her. When she is at work or on the school run.
It is so difficult to get through to women who are so under the influence of abusive men. Abusive men are the problem. Your own DH did the right thing making it clear that he could see through the conduct of the odious person and that it was not going to be tolerated in his house or towards his wife (you).
Are there any other family members around who could help you talk to your cousin about how awful the H's behaviour is. Is there anyone from where they used to live who could tell you if this has always been the case?
Say to cousin that you will talk to her any time she needs and in a situation she and her DC could stay with you. Don't suppose odious man will want t get cheeky around your DH again.
Well done to your DH

Movinghouseatlast · 09/02/2020 14:34

Your husband sounds fabulous! There comes a time when rude people need to be called out.

This other guy was ruining the evening and being a part. The only way to stop his behaviour was to do what your husband did.

Porcupineinwaiting · 09/02/2020 14:35

Your DH was spot on. He shouldn't have to put up with having short men in his house.

unhappytraveller · 09/02/2020 14:42

She’s in an awful position and both you and your DH managed it as best you could. Of course your DH shouldn’t have manhandled the horror out of the house. If he was behaving so recklessly or provocatively, anything could have kicked off. And like anyone else would have, you wanted your party to go well.
I second trying to think of times when she’s more likely to be alone and ring her - just after 9am perhaps? I would try a couple of times then leave it. The guilt she may or may not feel from ignoring you might just add to her stress.
Also OP you don’t have to justify having caterers and waiters so that you could relax at your party rather than running around after everyone .. people live all kinds of lives .. but there’s always someone all too eager to comment/make one feel bad.

Onthetrain75 · 09/02/2020 14:53

Good on your husband. Personally I’d happily go back to the days when men would stand up from the dinner table if a guest insulted any of the others Grin

cjpark · 09/02/2020 15:09

Your DH acted like a total gentleman. Too many people now don't speak out against rudeness and vile behaviour due to fear of reprecussions. He did. He made an example of this man in a gentle yet firm way.

ohtheholidays · 09/02/2020 15:09

Fingers crossed your DH standing upto him and you offering your support to your cousin and her being so much closer(geographically)to you now it may just give her the courage to give him the shove!

Jux · 09/02/2020 15:12

I love your dh!

I'm sorry for your cousin, her ChosenOne sounds ghastly, just like all the other ChosenOnes we hear about and hope we never meet.

I'd ring her rather than text.

Igmum · 09/02/2020 15:21

❤️ your DH. He is great. And yes, this could be a sign of an abusive relationship. Hope your cousin escapes

FlamingoQueen · 09/02/2020 15:28

Wow! Good for your DH! What an arse that man was. Would I be right in saying he had little man syndrome?

Svolvaer · 09/02/2020 15:28

He sounds dreadful (her "D"H not yours). I'd be willing to bet a substantial amount that she's having the boob job because he wants it.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 15:31

OP, can I ask, you came on asking if your husband had been unreasonable. You obviously thought he was a bit and maybe thought he should have done like everyone else and sat there politely smiling at this rude, obnoxious man who was making your dinner very very uncomfortable for everyone who was there.

Why did you think that? Why do you think rude, obnoxious people should be given special consideration and be allowed to dictate the mood of the night in somebody else's house?

Maybe that's something you need to work on. Your husband was dignified and understated. Why do you think he shouldn't have been?

Durgasarrow · 09/02/2020 15:37

Your husband was a Dear Husband indeed. No one is entitled to speak ill of the person he loves most in the world in his presence. Not because he's a macho man but because it is unjust. Your cousin was bringing injustice into the room in the form of that man. It is a pity she is so beaten down that she allows it, and no doubt she needs help, but that does not mean that man is allowed to verbally abuse 1. people from Manchester; 2. foreigners; 3. waiters; 4. you; or anyone else.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 09/02/2020 15:40

Chances are, she won’t bother ordering the Lucy Bancroft book, OP. Can you buy it, arrange to meet her for coffee and give her the book. If you think she won’t take offence, just say you were surprised that he spoke about/to her in that way and thought the book might help her understand him better. If you put it across more about her ‘understanding’ him, rather than him being abusive, she might be more likely to read it, then she can reach her on conclusions. Abused women often can’t recognise or acknowledge what they’re going through or react angrily out of embarrassment or denial and you don’t want to risk pushing her away.

Kittensinmysupper · 09/02/2020 15:43

An I just say .. (because MN loves a saying' ... you definitely DON'T have a DH problem. He is a prince !

Fishfingersandwichplease · 09/02/2020 15:45

Love your DH!!! Fab response to someone who sounds like an absolute cock