Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 09/02/2020 12:19

I think you are maybe right. He has effectively cut off her support system in this country, which may have been his intention all along.

I feel sorry for her.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 09/02/2020 12:19

Your husband acted perfectly, you should have thanked him.

Instead of apologising to your cousin you should have been asking if she’s ok. I suspect the breast enlargement is not her idea (or desire?) and that the relationship is emotionally abusive if he humiliates her like that in public. His behaviour was very abnormal.

Poor woman.

zefi · 09/02/2020 12:21

Cocaine? Is this how people behave on that? He’s about 56, I reckon,

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 09/02/2020 12:21

It's possible that this man has a lot of control over your cousin and will now make her go NC with you. What you've described fits the traits of an abusive relationship.

Tread carefully. Try to communicate with her when you can be sure he's not around and make sure she knows that you're worried about her and will support her if she needs help to leave him.

I like your DH and completely agree with him but this is exactly the kind of situation coercive controllers create so they can ensure that they only spend time around people who validate their abusive behaviour and keep people who would support their partners to leave out of the picture.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 09/02/2020 12:21

Ps apologise to and tip the waiters. Basically while working for you they got racially harassed/mocked/bullied it sounds like you didn’t intervene.

Teaandcrisps · 09/02/2020 12:23

Go and give your OH a big cuddle - what a gem.

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 12:23

Of course it’s a shame if your cousin was upset, but TBH if she’s chosen to hook up with a man like that - she surely must know that his behaviour is unacceptable - she will have to bear the consequences.

Jeeze - only page 2 & someone's starting on the victim-blaming already @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER.

Do you seriously not realise that domestic abusers (& make no mistake, this is what he is) don't advertise their unpleasantness at the start of the relationship?
That the abuse, control & manipulation slowly ramp up, until e.g. this cousin are so desensitised that they minimise their own abuse, make excuses for the abuser, fall into self-blame & start turning themselves inside out to justify staying, because psychologically, it is actually easier to believe that if she is responsible for the abuse, she can do something about it - & that's better than believing that her partner abuses us because he is a shit who will never change & she can do nothing about it?

If you cannot fathom that psychology, please educate yourself, because one day - if it is not you - it may be your cousin, your sister, your best friend ... & you need to understand "the script" & not fucking blame them for being the victim of it - www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

@zefi - if you don't already know of Lundy Bancroft, can I urge you to get started with the link above?
& if you are SAFELY, i.e. without fear of Mr Arsehole getting wind of it, get a copy to your cousin you will be doing her a big favour.

5zeds · 09/02/2020 12:25

Make sure she knows she has somewhere to go.

thickwoollytights · 09/02/2020 12:26

Your husband is a star.

Papoy · 09/02/2020 12:27

Good man 👍

kingkuta · 09/02/2020 12:28

I was going to ask whether he was drunk or high but you saying he arrived in his car would hopefully exclude that. Not that that would be any excuse. Having coke would not make him behave like that no. But it may magnify the already unpleasant aspects of his character. He just sounds like a complete arsehole tbh

thickwoollytights · 09/02/2020 12:28

Your husband is an utter and complete star. I would love to be in a relationship with a man like this. I find it really attractive when partners stand up for each other like this. And I think your DH handled it with real class.

And also this

Please be PROUD of your husband

DreamingofSummer · 09/02/2020 12:29

Zefi - cocaine can lead to any number of objectionable behaviours including a total loss of judgement and social skills.

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 12:29

oh dear, I have previously had a fiend with an awful awful partner, and it was the death of our friendship, partly as I realised then what poor judgement she had.

I'm gobsmacked @ticking.
Seems YOU were the 'fiend' here, not your ex-pal.
You actually BLAMED her for her partner's behaviour?
Then JUDGED her for 'having poor judgement'?

May I direct you to my post of Sun 09-Feb-20 12:23:18,
& suggest that next time you come over all sanctimonious, instead of abandoning a sister to her fate, you get some booklearning in your head? See link above.

Rainbunny · 09/02/2020 12:32

Well first off, your DH sounds lovely and good on him for not tolerating this man's behaviour!

Secondly, I highly doubt this is the first time this man has behaved appallingly, so whatever she says your cousin is probably well used to this unfortunately. Try to reach out to her personally perhaps and see how she's feeling about the whole thing? If she tries to pretend that he is never normally like that, well sorry but I'd find that simply unbelievable. Your poor cousin!

Finally, I'd contact the catering company you use just to make sure that you tell them how happy you are with them and apologise for your rude guest, perhaps send an extra tip to the waiter in question.

Chloemol · 09/02/2020 12:32

No your husband was not unreasonable in anyway. I would be very grateful he stood up to that man like that

CalishataFolkart · 09/02/2020 12:33

@zefi It’s really easy for all of us to say what you “should” have said, or to claim that we would have done xyz under the circumstances, but the truth is that the majority of us would have been taken aback at the rudeness and probably not said anything.

It’s what you do now that matters. You’ve contacted your cousin, you’re going to let her know that she has your support if it’s needed, and a message to the caterers to apologise for his rudeness to the waiters will be very much appreciated.

Then park it. Don’t let this odious little turd take up more of your time. Hug your husband and be proud you made a good choice in him.

LakieLady · 09/02/2020 12:36

Why be like that? What did I ever do to him, except for invite him to my house? There no bad history between us and them whatsoever Maybe he is trying to drive a wedge or something like that now that she’s here in his country. God knows

I think you could be spot on there, OP.

Isolating women from friends/family often accompanies abusive behaviour. It might be worth letting your cousin know that she could come to you if ever she needs to get away from him.

DishingOutDone · 09/02/2020 12:36

The only other thing your husband could have done was to carry on and say not only was he being offensive to you but to your cousin as well.

Sadly I think she is going to have to blame you and your DH for the upset, in order to save face with the wank badger. And from the tone of your posts, I think you might too. By all means let her know she can call you for support any time, but there might be a period of you two being the bad guys.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 12:36

I was just apologising to her for the situation in general, not DH

Why were you apologising to her for her husband being a knob and creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone else.

When you asked if your husband was unreasonable I was reading through expecting you to say that your husband joined in and laughed along with this man's ridiculous carry on.

So, no, your husband was not unreasonable. If anything you were a bit unreasonable for apologising for a situation created by someone who has nothing to do with you.

Maybe take a leaf out of your husband's book and try not to he such a people pleaser. He was a knob. He didn't deserve any more airtime then had already been given to him.

Your cousin married him for whatever reason. Be there as a friend to her if that's the type of relationship you have, but don't try to "rescue" her.

millerjane · 09/02/2020 12:37

How do people that rude end up with partners? I couldn't stand going to anny social functions with a weirdo like that

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 12:38

I suspect he came to the apt' as he's paying for it, because it's his idea

Yes, @LynetteScavo.
& I am absolutely shuddering at how that will escalate his feeling of 'ownership' of his wife's body. He paid for them - they're his, & whenever he demands access to them .... yuk yuk yuk. Any man who wants his partner to surgically change her body FOR HIM ... it's so Handmaiden I am feeling a sick now.

saraclara · 09/02/2020 12:39

She's been married to him for ten years. I doubt that this event will change anything, to be honest.

saraclara · 09/02/2020 12:40

Did other guests say anything about him, OP?

AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 12:40

Op he is the kind of man who enjoys being obnoxious for the sake of it, enjoys winding people up.

Never have him across your threshold again.