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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 09/02/2020 12:40

I thought of some type of stimulate drug too (like cocaine) ...the interrupting other people's conversations, the ego, the confidence, the lack of awareness...

Your DH does sound lovely OP. And I don't think I would have said anything either because I'm a people pleaser too (much to my chagrin)

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 12:40

Strangely fancy a Ferrero Rocher now for some reason....

Grin Grin Grin thank you @Bluetrews25, much-needed & perfect antidote daftness! x

BloggersNetwork · 09/02/2020 12:41

I don't know what being 20 years older and shorter than your cousin has to do with anything, but everything else reeks of coercion and manipulation. Your DH behaved perfectly and I wish someone had pulled that nasty man up on his behaviour towards the waiting staff. Your poor cousin...

RaininSummer · 09/02/2020 12:41

Your husband sounds wonderful. He has your back. Other man sounds crass and dickish. Your poor friend.

NothingWrong · 09/02/2020 12:45

Sounds like coke to me too

AmelieTaylor · 09/02/2020 12:45

Your DH did well last night, for sure.

Not so much today ‘people make their own lives, leave it’ (near enough)

Surely he has more empathy & compassion than that and realises people often need to be helped to see how bad their situation is and to get out of it.

I’d leave it for today, but I’d phone her tomorrow. Don’t overwhelm her how dreadful he is & how worried you are, you need the slow drip on this one and to let her know SHE is always welcome at yours (if she is) without stating that he isn’t. The last thing you need to do is push her away from you and more isolated with him, it’s natural for her to initially feel defensive of him/their marriage.

BahMooQuack · 09/02/2020 12:46

I have the misfortune to be acquanited for some years with an utter arse of a misogynist drunken fuckhead of a man who is married to a afriend of mine.

He is such a loser. he can't keep a job because he is always drunk and rude. She actually has a high powered job in the city in a top accountabncy firm! She is alot younger, and absolutely stunningly beautiful. He is fat, slobby, a bit dim and arrogant. He treats her dreadfully. he hits on all her friends (inclduing me) and then gets aggressive when he is turned down (iI always wondered why- because he must have had pkenty of practice being turned down).

One dinner party i had the misfortune to be sitting next to him and he was slobberingly drunk and I aksed him why on earth he treated his wife that way. he said (I think he was drunk enough to be honest) that he knew she was alot better than him, so he liked to keep her anxious and thus 'in her place'.

She has had decades of him chipping away at her. She cannot see the wood for the trees and does not know which way is up. that is hoiw abusers work. As the good folks at AA say- Do not judge your insides by someone elses outsides. You friend might have everything going for her, but she doesn't see it, because he si undermining her. Because he is an insignificant little fuck. Anyone in an abusive relationship like this.... they do not think they deserve any better. It is not their fault.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/02/2020 12:57

He has small man Syndrome.

StillWeRise · 09/02/2020 13:00

what PPs have said about this man isolating your cousin is doubtless true, OP
please be aware that he probably monitors her phone, and reads her texts
he will likely punish her for 'making him look bad'
therefore, I would send a very neutral text and try and speak to her personally
'HI great to see you last night, must catch up again some time'
and when you call her, begin with 'are you OK to talk?...'
whatever you do don't criticise him in any way he can see or find evidence of.

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 13:01

@AmelieTaylor - you are so right here:

I’d leave it for today, but I’d phone her tomorrow. Don’t overwhelm her how dreadful he is & how worried you are, you need the slow drip on this one and to let her know SHE is always welcome at yours (if she is) without stating that he isn’t. The last thing you need to do is push her away from you and more isolated with him, it’s natural for her to initially feel defensive of him/their marriage.

OP - if you are able to suggest, I dunno what would be within the normal sphere for you & cousin, but say, meeting up for a shopping trip in Manchester or London - just any form of staying in touch really.

Isolation & secrecy are how DA manages to thrive.
She needs to see that her situation is far from normal, & that she has options.
I hope you are able to keep her present in your lives, whether she is able to reach her own epiphany or not.

Echobelly · 09/02/2020 13:02

Well done your DH for making a clear statement defending you without being aggressive or causing extra stress on top of everything - his response was perfect.

Mlou32 · 09/02/2020 13:06

I could be entirely wrong here, burned be concerned about his behaviour towards your cousin while they're on their own. He sounds quite verablly abusive with the put downs etc.

Anyway, I've learned recently that you can get angry, upset etc at people like this or you can just cut then out of your life. Save your mental energy on people who are worth it. Tell your cousin that he is not welcome in your social circle and that is that.

Beautiful3 · 09/02/2020 13:08

Your husband did the right thing. Your cousins husband is a knob.

Cherrysoup · 09/02/2020 13:11

Your dh is a hero!

ticking · 09/02/2020 13:12

@messolini9

Not quite, I stayed friendly and there for her. However, the chap in question was very very childish, and immature....It was the wrong comment maybe for this thread has her DP wasn't abusive,just made me see her in a very different light as she was prepared to put up with a lot of really shocking behaviour....while at the same time telling me I should ditch my DP as he wasn't good enough to me (my now DH wasn't a hearts and flowers man!)

NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat · 09/02/2020 13:17

My ex's brother was like this. It's abusive and nasty. It actually gets worse too. I remember at one dinner, that he said to everyone 'when X (his girlfriend) wakes up in the morning, before she puts her creams on, her face looks like an old man's testicle'. I'll never forget that moment of brilliant wit.

Or the time at a wedding where he asked some strangers whether they'd let black plumbers or builders in the house. Startling, appalling.

So glad that him and his brother are out of my life. I can spot these types a mile off and despise them so have full sympathy for you OP.

gavisconismyfriend · 09/02/2020 13:19

Your husband is a star!

Schwesterherz · 09/02/2020 13:23

Your husband should have done a lot more. He should have grabbed him by his small shoulders and shoved him out the door after that comment about your breasts.

zefi · 09/02/2020 13:28

Sorry, I’m trying to keep up and I apologise if I can’t reply to everyone but I’m also in Sunday homework hell with the kids.

I’m thinking maybe she hasn’t texted back because they’re driving home and so he might see what she says if she texts?

I think what upset me about all this is that my dad used to be a little like this towards my mum. Nothing as bad as this, but he used to be rude about her cooking in front of guests sometimes if she’d tried something different. Lots of little things to undermine her.

I absolutely can’t stand men like this. My own husband can be a bit dogmatic at times, but he would never run me down in company. Quite the opposite actually. Yes I’m very lucky in this respect and I should give him credit for being a good person and a gent and he does have my back. Yes he does.. When I was working, I once had a boss who was a bit like this H. It was terrible.

I have heard if the Lundy Bancroft book, yes. I’ll suggest it if I can.

This H seemed really agitated and angry from the off, but she was so calm throughout (well up until the end when she did look upset). To the pp who said he is probably insecure because he knows he’s punching abound his weight - well yes, he is. To be fair, he’s actually quite good looking, but it’s hard to get past the personality obviously.

My cousin is Spanish (as am I but I’ve been here decades), sorry if I didn’t make that clear. She’s stayed here on and off over the years, but she’s been at home with her children and I’m worried about how she’ll settle in over here, especially with a husband like that. I would have thought the last thing you need in arrival in a new country with two children who you need to settle into a new school is breast surgery. I really hope he’s not pushing her into it because that is sickening. I always thought of her as knowing her own mind. She’s very intelligent actually. She’s also stunning and tall and she was always slim, but now she’s probably size zero if I ever saw it. I hope she’s ok.

A few other people did comment after they had gone, yes. My friend said she could hear him across the room and what was wrong with him? Someone else asked if she was really getting a breast surgery or was that a joke. Mainly people just gave me a certain look, to be honest and a few asked if I was ok. It was just so odd, the whole thing.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 09/02/2020 13:31

You have a wonderful gentleman for a husband OP

billy1966 · 09/02/2020 13:32

OP, obviously your husband was correct in his response.

I would indeed text your cousin again and let her know that you are always there for her if she needs to talk or she needs support or assistance.

I would also say I am so sorry to see you treated as such.

Keep up contact with her.

He sounds like an awful twat. Obviously, hugely insecure in himself.

Hard to see someone you care about living with such a prat.

Try and meet her for coffee. I wouldn't bother inviting him over again.

katkit · 09/02/2020 13:37

Yanbu. I hate him! Angry just reading this.

Careersytype · 09/02/2020 13:43

Oh my word, your DH was perfect in his response. It's nearly restored my faith....

LouReidDododo · 09/02/2020 13:49

You had a waiter in your house?

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 09/02/2020 13:52

Can I also suggest sending an extra message to the catering company asking them to apologise to the wait staff on your behalf and make it clear he won't be invited back again.