Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

And so much comes down to personality not gender differences. My DS is like me in both looks and personality. My DD is very much like her dad. If anything I'm more in tune with my DS because we're so similar. My DH is very similar to his mum. He was different to his dad and not close to him. Each person is so much more than their sex.

Can we please get away from this ridiculous idea that males and females can't possibly relate to each other or understand things from the other's perspective even when there are differences

Could you point out who has said that please?

And so much comes down to personality not gender differences ... Each person is so much more than their sex.

Obviously. No one disagrees with you.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that raising one sex is a fundamentally different to raising another and many people would like to experience both.

Unfortunately anything you may do or not do won't help, me and my cousin have fallen out as I've managed to have a boy and 2 girls where she has 3 boys she's currently pregnant with her 4th boy and didn't actually tell anyone until 30nweeks when she was just literally put up a scan picture and everyone was like oh congratulations, she was like not really it's another boy and I'm 30 weeks it's awful, she's already talking about going for number 5 because she just desperately wants a girl, she hasn't spoken to me properly since I we found out baby number 3 was a girl and she's now 9 months!

However, that doesn’t change the fact that raising one sex is a fundamentally different to raising another and many people would like to experience both.

And many would be over the moon to experience either.

@LaurieMarlow So far there have been no fundamental differences in raising my children based on their sexes. They are 9 and 7 and I realise, of course, that differences will become more apparent as they go through puberty. However I still believe I'll probably remain more like my son than my daughter in terms of personality. The only fundamental differences I've experienced in raising them are personality differences. My DD is very outgoing, confident and sociable. My DS is quiet, shy and has less confidence. My parents treated me and brothers in exactly the same way (even during the teenage years). I never had this sense of me being a girl and them being different to me. We were all just kids. I treat my two the same way. Maybe this is why I don't get the whole gender differences thing with children. I've always felt my relationship with my parents was exactly the same and my brothers.

And many would be over the moon to experience either

I still don't like the thought process that because one person experiences X, people can't be upset by Y.

It would mean a very limited catalogue of what it is acceptable for people to be upset by, if they first have to consider whether other people have it "worse".

And many would be over the moon to experience either.

And many people would like a secure roof over their head. Neither point is relevant to this discussion.

I agree with @LaurieMarlow re the differences in bringing up different sexes. I subscribed completely to the nurture over nature argument until I had a boy. They are different. Millions of years of evolution ensured males with particular characteristics and females with particular characteristics were more likely to survive and pass on their genes. While nurture is a major contributing factor, it doesn't override nature totally.

Certainly, you will find some boys have more typical 'girl' characteristics and vice versa. Modern day life means that doesn't impact on their chances of survival so, presumably, if we haven't destroyed the planet, we will eventually evolve to have fewer innate differences between the sexes but evolution is not a fast process.

I still don't like the thought process that because one person experiences X, people can't be upset by Y.

Not saying people can’t be upset by gender disappointment though I don’t fully understand it.

Not saying people can’t be upset by gender disappointment though I don’t fully understand it

No but you being dismissive of their feelings and telling them they are unreasonable to have them.

she knew she’d never have one and the thought of never doing hair and make up and bra shopping and wedding dress shopping etc was sad for her. Sounds more like a doll than a daughter. My daughter doesn't wear make up, I went bra shopping with her once and swore never to do it again.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that raising one sex is a fundamentally different to raising another and many people would like to experience both. I've got 3 sons, they are all different and my experience of raising them was different with each one. My daughter was also an individual.

My boys are like chalk and cheese. If one was a girl I would be saying this was why, but it's (obviously) not. I'm sure raising girls is different but a lot of that is the social construct of gender.
I am sorry that there will never be a daughter in my life but am overjoyed with my two sons.

Hey here's an idea, just take a minute to imagine how you might feel if your parents had told you how disappointed they were that you were not born a different sex. Exactly.

I was brought knowing that my grandma lobbied mum to have an abortion. God my family is weird...

Hey here's an idea, just take a minute to imagine how you might feel if your parents had told you how disappointed they were that you were not born a different sex

I don’t have to imagine it. I know my dad was gutted I wasn’t a boy. Effect on me? Zero. He loved me and made sure I knew it.

the other thing is that boys are statistically more likely to have a range of 'bad' outcomes- eg SN, behavior problems etc and across the board they mature more slowly than girls (I don't think this latter is socialization- it genuinely is a different schedule of brain maturation) so it is more likely (tho of course not inevitable) that you will have a harder time of it as a parent to boys than to girls.

There is also a fair amount of evidence from other mammals that males prefer a more aggressive rough and tumble style of play than females so if this isn't your bag (and it isn't mine) then it will likely be harder to raise multiple boys than girls. There is also evidence that this is a hormonal difference due to foetal testosterone (they have manipulated levels of foetal testosterone in rats for eg and found that when they increase the levels in female rats in utero, they become more like males in their play styles after birth)

Oh blimey, that'll really make mums of boys feel great. Most boys do not have SEN! And plenty of parents have a rough time raising girls too - particularly when they're teenagers.

across the board they mature more slowly than girls (I don't think this latter is socialization- it genuinely is a different schedule of brain maturation

There is, apparently, an evolutionary advantage to teenage boys behaving in a risk-seeking manner. I can't remember the details but the nice, mature, sensible boys didn't evolve.

There is also a fair amount of evidence from other mammals that males prefer a more aggressive rough and tumble style of play than females

Another evolutionary advantage. If you're going to be responsible for hunting and protection, then rough and tumble is a great way to start learning.

Most boys do not have SEN!.

Statistically more likely is not the same as the majority.

Oh blimey, that'll really make mums of boys feel great.

It’s not about making people feel bad or good, it’s about acknowledging reality.

Hey here's an idea, just take a minute to imagine how you might feel if your parents had told you how disappointed they were that you were not born a different sex. Exactly.

Here’s another idea. Read the goddamn thread.

I'm not convinced that maturing later makes it harder to raise a boy. I have read enough threads on here about mature, yet absolutely frightful, teenage girls - they are likely to grow up to get on with their mums, but there are some hard years along the way!

@LaurieMarlow Well my reality of raising a boy (and the reality of nearly every mum of boys I know) is that we have adorable, lovable, funny and sweet children. My DS brings me endless joy.