Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

Well my reality of raising a boy (and the reality of nearly every mum of boys I know) is that we have adorable, lovable, funny and sweet children. My DS brings me endless joy.

I’m getting a little tired of your (presumably deliberate) inability to understand even slightly complex points.

@Alsohuman - that explains so much. I'm sorry your father did that to you, it's obviously had an impact. I hope you can overcome it.

that explains so much. I'm sorry your father did that to you, it's obviously had an impact. I hope you can overcome it

What does it explain? There’s no need for you to feel sorry for me - how patronising. You’ve already been told it’s made no difference and there’s nothing to “overcome”. Keep your faux pity to yourself.

YABU. Gender disappointment is very real and unless you've personally experienced it it's very difficult to understand it.
I have. I have one baby and really wanted my first to be a girl. I'd never ever find out the sex until the birth anyway as I think it's far nicer to have that "it's a boy/girl" moment when your baby is in your arms, rather than at a scan and all you have is a picture to take home. Plus as my preference for a girl was so strong I knew if I had a boy I'd find it easier to deal with when I was holding him in my arms, rather than just after a scan.
I admit when the midwife told me the first thing I felt was disappointment. My first thought was why didn't I have a girl? (Two other couples we knew were both expecting girls so that made it even more difficult for me, knowing I'd see their girls when I had a boy). Don't misunderstand I loved my son instantly, but I did wonder why me. (Also my mum wanted a girl first and had one with me, next time she wanted a boy and had one, third time she wanted another girl and had one. Then she said "I got the girl I wanted both times, you didn't get yours". Those words hurt me. I was struggling enough without her making it worse).
I have to live with the guilt every day and I hate myself for feeling the way i did. But I can't change it. And it's not nice when people who don't understand judge you for it.

I don’t have to imagine it. I know my dad was gutted I wasn’t a boy. Effect on me? Zero. He loved me and made sure I knew it. I'm the same, the fact my dad wanted a boy didn't stop him loving me, I eventually had a younger brother and I was much closer to my dad than he was, I was more the son he wanted, dare devil very active child while my brother was, and still is, quiet, academic and a worrier. My dad didn't get him at all.

My mother told me she contemplated suicide when she found out she was pregnant with me. Again it didn't affect me, I was loved for me and we were close till the day she died. We laughed about it when she told me, when she stopped laughing she said, "Just think if I'd only had your brother and sister to rely on." They weren't very reliable.

I really hoped for a girl after DS, but found out at my scan. The disappointment was huge. I felt my stomach drop and felt dizzy! I really thought he was a girl. When he was born all the disappointment had gone and I love every inch of him.

I'd always recommend finding out first if it matters as you have time to get used to it.

FWIW. If you have a boy or girl first, statistically you are more likely to have one of the same gender as a second, and even more so if you have a third.

I'd always recommend finding out first if it matters as you have time to get used to it

See, I think just the opposite. When I had mine (long time ago) you had to wait until the birth to find out. When you hold them and look at their face It doesn’t matter but knowing in advance would have spoilt half my pregnancy.

I'm feeling a disappointment reading this thread. Sexism is alive and well.

No it's not, don't be ridiculous.

Men and women are equal but not ''the same''. It is not sexism to acknowledge that there is a female experience and a male experience. I honestly cannot believe how deliberately obtuse some people are.

It is delusional to think you have the moral high ground while simultaneously denying anybody else's right to have a feeling or a preference or an experience or a conclusion.

I honestly cannot believe how deliberately obtuse some people are.

I know right. This thread has been quite the education.

FWIW. If you have a boy or girl first, statistically you are more likely to have one of the same gender as a second, and even more so if you have a third.

I’ve read that that is a myth and in most cases, it is more like a coin toss, boy or girl and the sex of the second child has no bearing on the first.

The same weak arguments racists make. Be a better human being.

The same weak arguments racists make. Be a better human being.

What the ACTUAL fuck? I swear to god, people used to be capable of more complex thought on this site.

And we’re back to brief, gnomic bollocks I see. Has someone had a name change?

Not me. I thought I was making genuine and heartfelt comments but you accused me of deliberately being unable to understand complex points so I decided not to engage anymore. 😐

I wasn’t accusing you of name changing sally, to be clear.

Your style of posting is quite different to the new poster that’s cropped up, but their style is very similar to someone else who was posting a few data ago.

Ah OK!

As many have said before...
I have 2 DS. I have a sister and I always imagined having 2 little girls. Just because that’s the childhood I knew and it’s just what I had had in my head for years and years. Not that I didn’t want a boy - I just couldn’t imagine what little boys were like to raise so obviously I drew on my own experience when thinking of my future.
I found out at scan that my first was a boy. I wasn’t dissapointed so much as confused as I’d spent 5 months thinking it would probably be a girl. None the less obviously got over that and it was never an issue. For my second I chose not to find out until birth - partly as I had had a elcs for my first and found knowing everything about the birth and what sex he was too controlled and I wanted some element of surprise incase I had another CS. My second birth was Vbac and was an incredible experience. I was instantly in love with my second DS - partly pure relief the birth had gone so well and I was on cloud 9! He is the most amazing gorgeous calm little baby ever. I sometimes feel so conflicted as I wouldn’t change him for the world and I absolutely love that I have same sex siblings as that’s what I had growing up and I am very close to my sister. The boys are chalk and cheese but adore each other.

However - it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to mourn the fact I probably won’t get to raise a daughter. I wouldn’t ever change my second Cos it’s him, and I love him so much and I never have wished he was anything other than him. But I am allowed to mourn the fact I always thought I’d have a daughter and now I know there’s a chance I won’t! That’s not wrong, it’s not wishing my child was something else. It’s just a part of life I won’t experience.

My body is desperately craving another baby, while my head say no. I physically ache for another baby sometimes But I always wondered if I had had a girl second maybe I wouldn’t feel the urge?

Plenty people have “pitied me” for having 2 sons. My own mother told me she was sad for me 🙄 which I couldn’t believe. Someone told me why would I ever risk having another in case it was a boy. I take these very personally like someone is saying why would I risk having another bloke my sons. I think / hope in 20/30 years time that things will even up between the sexes even more. And I think that especially mothers of sons have a very important job to bring up their sons in a way to help facilitate this.

I don't understand gender disappointment, I have to admit. I have one DS, I will never have any more children. I don't have any desire for a daughter at all.

It's fascinating, when you think about it. In other parts of the world, women gain value by having sons. In Central Asia, women are ordered by mothers in law to have a termination if the scan shows the baby to be a girl.

In China, there's a massive imbalance between the sexes because of the previous one child rule. Girl babies were rejected and ended up in orphanages, probably a lot still do. The lucky ones get adopted by loving couples from the west. (I expect a good many adoptions don't work out so well, adoptions are hard enough without the issue of the child's cultural identity.

The desire for a daughter might well be partly a reaction against the previous obsession with baby boys. Which no one objected to in the way people object to women who say they would love to have a baby girl.

It isn't fair for me to comment on this issue really, seeing as I have 2 DDs. I don't think my DH regrets not having a DS, he decided after DD2 came to us that he didn't want any more and gave away all our baby and toddler equipment.

Yes true - the preference for boys in some parts of Asia is mainly due to poverty. A son must look after his parents financially when he grows up whilst a daughter marries a man and looks after his parents rather than her own. It's beneficial for people to have to sons to take care of them in their old age as there is very little state provision and certainly no old people's homes. And of course it's only in certain places this happens - tends to be poorer, rural areas. My PIL are Indian and had 4 daughters, all of whom are very valued and loved, never seen as second best. They were all well educated and have good careers.

In many countries some form of dowry was required of parents of girls in order for them to marry. Even in more recent times the idea was always that the parents paid for the wedding of their daughter, not their son. Expensive business having girls.
I've probably paid the equivalent of a modest wedding for my ds in Fortnite points

In the fifties when I was little, boys seemed to be definitely the preferred choice, certainly in our family. I was one of two sisters, my auntie had one daughter. When the auntie went on to have a son, I remember hearing my mum saying sourly " Might know she'd be the one to get a lad!" When I had a little boy years later, her joy was unbounded!

My body is desperately craving another baby, while my head say no. I physically ache for another baby sometimes But I always wondered if I had had a girl second maybe I wouldn’t feel the urge? I felt like that, I've got 4 and I vividly remember having my youngest in my arms, he was about 2, and he was just fiddling with my hair as we walked along. I suddenly felt the most overwhelming sadness as I thought I will never have this again. I have 3 sons and a daughter so having both didn't stop that feeling for me.

I've got grandsons and granddaughters so along with my own 4 I have lots of experience/contact with both sexes and the one thing I can say is that the only thing I find difficult about sons is the fathers parents always seem to come second to the mothers parents. I work hard to be available and never make comments that could cause offence, I do loads of childcare, more than two of the other sets of GPs, the third does alot and I can't as I am 200 miles away. Whatever I do I know I am 2nd tier and it is made plain.

The two DsIL who I do loads for argue loads with their mothers but I know I won't get the same sort of leeway they get. It is silly things like I can't have first choice of birthday and Christmas presents, if I suggest something they will always check with their mothers first in case they want to buy it. On one memorable occasion I offered to buy something one of the children needed. DIL agreed, thanked me, and I bought the thing. Then got a nasty phone call telling me her mother was buying it, I said I already had it and boy did it get nasty. We gave the item away. Silly things like that hurt.

So, all those who have written in this thread that they have zero sympathy for anyone experience gender disappointment / just can't understand it: let me ask you if you've ever engaged in the sort of small talk conversation with a pregnant woman or woman of childbearing age where you ask "Do you know what you're having?" or "Wouldn't it be nice to have a girl after so many boys / boy after so many girls" or "Are you hoping for a boy / girl"? or "Wow, ALL boys / girls??" or "ONLY boys / girls??!", or even "My girl is so different to my boy".

Because as the parent of 4 same sex siblings, I can tell you that I get sucked into these conversations all the time, it's inescapable. And it certainly adds to the gender disappointment at the time you are feeling most vulnerable about it, and for years afterwards when you are trying your best to move forward and put it out of your mind.

Just wondering if those who just can't comprehend gender preference know well enough not to ask these sort of intrusive questions.

I don't understand specifically gender disappointment, but I wouldn't ever tell them they shouldn't feel the way they do. I do still sometimes feel sad that I couldn't have bio DC; I lost a baby boy long ago at age 13 because of the childhood SA. He died soon after birth.

It isn't something I can talk about, as I don't want anyone to think that I don't absolutely adore my adopted DDs of 10 and 7. I also would never admit that I sometimes feel envious of my DSis and SIL, who were able to raise their own bio DC.

I don't know whether my DH is sad about it. But if he were, he would never admit it to me, as he wasn't infertile himself, it was only me.

It's good to be able to admit this here, knowing that I won't be upsetting anyone.

I also feel sad that I never had the chance to look after a newborn, as my DDs (who are birth sisters) came to us separately at one year old.
I would never tell my DDs this, but it would be lovely if one of them were to have DC so I could have the chance to look after a newborn. (Though hopefully not until they're at least well into their 20s.)