Paying to spend a holiday at the grandmother's B&B?

[SympatheticSwan]

So, an ex-MIL. She had invited her grandchildren to spend the half term at her house. The father of the children, her son, voluntarily has limited contact and lives overseas. Ex-MIL is retired and running a B&B in her house in a remote area which does not seem to be a financial success and is rarely booked. But the house itself is nice and the area is quite picturesque, but not touristic. It will be the first time she will see one of the children, and she hasn't seen the older DC since they were a baby (both are young primary age).
Now it turns out that the father made other plans for the half term and cannot spend it with the children anymore. So the ex-MIL had sent an email to the mother of the children confirming that they are still welcome to visit her as she appreciates that making alternative holiday plans at such a short notice may be difficult, but she now would expect them to pay for the accommodation at her B&B. "Mates rates", but still in excess of £100 / day.
AIBU to think this is a "fuck off and don't even think of turning up here"?

How bizarre. My pil were the meanest people on the planet, but even they would have thought twice about charging for a visit... (I think...).

Total derail - apologies - but what do hoteliers/b&b owners do about friends/family guests? It's different if they invite them, but if someone says, "Ooh, I'd love to come and visit you" and the only accommodation is your chargeable guest rooms, what do you say?

God, I love Mumsnet sometimes.

Making your MiL stay in a hotel when she comes to see you = totally fine.

MiL making you stay in a B&B when she comes to see you = terrible!

Apart from the fact that you hashed up the wording here, it's still not remotely the same. She's an Ex MIL for a start

The children were going to spend the week with their (flakey) dad as guests of their grandmother for free.

Now that dad has flaked, grandmother wants to charge for the children to stay there with their mum.

The fact that it's in her (failing) b&b is almost irrelevant.

This isn't normal British culture, and a normal healthy response would be to tell her briskly no thank you, and to make other plans.

I'm sorry your ex has dumped you in this situation and that ex MIL is trying to charge you now. CFery at its peak.

Honestly OP I would be replying to that email right now telling MIL that you are not coming at all.
And asking Ex when he's going to be sending you the money to cover the holiday club.

What a bunch of wankers.
Family are only nice to have around if they're decent people.

Looks like the twatish apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Obviously your mil can do what she likes but it's quite shocking that she would ask you to pay. And your ex sounds like a controlling and flakey arsehole.

Sorry I know this isn't the point of your thread but it seems grossly unfair that their father can live abroad, be unreliable with contact but you can't even take your kids away on holiday!

Clearly one adult and two small children will not be eating £100 per day. I could understand if she said £10 but she is clearly trying to profit form her grandchildren. I would find somewhere else to take them that does not cost so much a caravan by the seaside maybe.

Some people are so mean. We have a house in France that we holiday in for 6 weeks in the summer. We are really pleased if family and friends come and see us for a week or so. In fact one summer we had different visitors for the whole 6 weeks.

If I were you I'd use the £700 to invite their other grandmother over for the week (the one your ex won't let your children visit) to visit with her grandchildren if that is feasible, rather than waste the money on someone who lives in the same country & can't be bothered to come & visit.

If your kids can't go to visit your side of the family, perhaps they could come to visit your kids?

I still have some difficulties decoding some of the British polite talk when it comes to social arrangements.

So do I and I'm English born and bred...! Some people have weird ideas about tact / being polite. My MIL is the opposite - she will refuse invitations and things with feeble excuses, and if you push her she really does want to come but thinks she'll be a burden. Or she won't say she needs a comfy cushion for her hard chair - but actually she'll be in agony all night! I think she's rude by assuming our hospitality is so poor we'd rather she suffer than get her a cushion.....!!

But I'm not clear what agenda yours may have. She is either hoping you won't go, or is just rude and grabby. So ignore her motivations and do whatever you would rather. Most advice says tell her to get lost, which would be my view - but if you would appreciate the 'holiday' and can afford it, and would prefer that to staying home - then it's your decision. But do whatever you want when you are there, don't let her bully you! Good luck!

@SympatheticSwan I would try not to project a worry that your DC will resent you for “not keeping up” with their relatives.
It takes two people to have a relationship - otherwise you are a martyr to someone else’s ego only - and for what?
From the sounds of things GM hasn’t bothered at all ... it doesn’t sound like you have been trying to keep the children from her.
I Grew up a second generation immigrant in the UK. All GP, aunts, uncles etc. in another country. Never had much of a relationship with them because they never tried to have one with us. As an adult I have tried to build relations with some - some are great, some are totally disinterested and that’s fine.
But - even in the land before internet and cheap phone calls letters and parcels where possible - does your ex MIL do even that? Doesn’t sound like she calls or emails...? If not then you can’t be expected to encourage your own DC to take the initiative or expect a relationship. They will be fine, they will not resent you, they will thank you for keeping them safe and precious.
Good luck - your exDH and his mother sound really awful.

@poopbear great reply👍🏻

As ex MIL and ex DP have decided to put normal family feelings aside and put a monetary value on this visit - you are well within your rights to put a monetary value on your own contribution in terms of time and labour to her seeing the GCs...
The care of the DCs during Flakey exDH time is his responsibility.
How much would it cost to pay a babysitter to transport the children to her and look after them whilst there if you weren't doing it?
I bet that your pay for a week's work and cancelling your own plans is more than £700.
Your time is valuable.. why should it be free to her and ex DH since the family relationship is not being applied by her/him in this case?

If she wants to build a relationship with her GC's she needs to make more of an effort.

A foreign mother with zero ties to the UK and small British children will always be perceived by the court as a flight risk

But you said the dad doesn't live in the UK?

I am assuming perhaps wrongly that this order was put in place when he did live in the UK?

Do you know why their father can't now make it? You could just say tough, his week, his responsibility and he needs to look after HIS kids so you will be sticking to the original arrangements?

I think if you do go, there's a risk she will keep herself very much to herself and hardly have anything to do with the children anyway.