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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to spend a holiday at the grandmother's B&B?

189 replies

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 06:47

So, an ex-MIL. She had invited her grandchildren to spend the half term at her house. The father of the children, her son, voluntarily has limited contact and lives overseas. Ex-MIL is retired and running a B&B in her house in a remote area which does not seem to be a financial success and is rarely booked. But the house itself is nice and the area is quite picturesque, but not touristic. It will be the first time she will see one of the children, and she hasn't seen the older DC since they were a baby (both are young primary age).
Now it turns out that the father made other plans for the half term and cannot spend it with the children anymore. So the ex-MIL had sent an email to the mother of the children confirming that they are still welcome to visit her as she appreciates that making alternative holiday plans at such a short notice may be difficult, but she now would expect them to pay for the accommodation at her B&B. "Mates rates", but still in excess of £100 / day.
AIBU to think this is a "fuck off and don't even think of turning up here"?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/02/2020 07:58

no it is not normal british culture for grandparents to charge their grandchildren to stay with them.

Their father has organised this holiday and now he has let them down. Make alternative arrangements elsewhere for you and the kids. Butlins will be fine and the kids will love it.

Why can the kids father not go now?

You are being treated very shabbily here

BlimeyCalmDown · 08/02/2020 07:58

I think if you did go it would send her the message that this is quite acceptable, it totally isn't - it's appalling. Keep your money and your dignity/self respect.

underneaththeash · 08/02/2020 07:59

Why on earth would you pay to take your children to see your ex-MIL?

Definitely decline.

Urkiddingright · 08/02/2020 08:01

Take it from me, the Lake District in wet and cold weather does not make for a great holiday.

Disagree, it’s a beautiful part of the world with lots to see and do.

OP, you could probably pay for an air bnb cheaper than she is charging. Don’t do it, she’s a dick. Who charges their own grandchildren to stay with them? You can see where her son gets it from now...

rookiemere · 08/02/2020 08:02

The Lake District can be lovely in all seasons, but you could find a caravan or B&B in the heart of it for less than £700 for the three of you.

Charging to see GCs is not in the least normal. She has little interest in them, you said so yourself. You've been brilliant about having to give up your trip home and use unpaid leave - make sure you use that sacrifice to have a nice holiday with your DCs, not a duty trip that you have to pay through the nose for.

Also despite the fact you'd be paying for it you'd still be in her home with her rules.

I can't see any reason why you'd want to go.

Mix56 · 08/02/2020 08:02

It is not normal to charge your family money to stay with you.
Particularly as she must well know that the father has abandoned most father duties.
I wouldn't go, if she invited you I might go, but it is off season & will probably be cold & rain

Pepperama · 08/02/2020 08:02

Not normal in this culture to charge grandchildren to stay! Ever. Completely unacceptable and I’d read this as a massive Get Lost

Trahira · 08/02/2020 08:03

Medievalist the original plan was that their dad would be there too - he's now pulled out.

LouHotel · 08/02/2020 08:04

I hope he's paying maintenance for the holiday days he's now missing.

Don't do it OP this is one of those things you'll look back on and regret that you were so amiable.

rookiemere · 08/02/2020 08:08

You could suggest to her that you'll stay in the Lake District and meet up one day instead. Her response will tell you how much it's about the money versus seeing her DCs. If she is keen then there are loads of lovely towns and villages in the Lake District- Bowness, Ambleside, Keswick are all pretty big and have lots of tourist attractions .

cooldarkroom · 08/02/2020 08:10

I had a family holiday in a caravan in the Lake district as a child, my parents walked us up all sorts of endless uphill slopes, I was cold, wet & asthmatic I am sure it is stunning in the sunlight, but I never saw any.
I remember grey, cloud, rain & being frigid with cold. Just saying.

Stephminx · 08/02/2020 08:15

Not the question, but I’d be going back to court about that order preventing you from going abroad. Especially as the father never really sees them and lives away himself.

PooWillyBumBum · 08/02/2020 08:19

Gosh no, take them to a cheap YHA (private room) or B and B somewhere with a likely-to-be-warm beAch, or near your friends or family. It’s your holiday too...he can take them to see her in his time....

Sally872 · 08/02/2020 08:19

I think if exMIL was excited or even interested in being a gran to the children she would be upset son is no longer bringing them and delighted if you would bring them instead. She would be hopeful you might spare the time, not charging you. So I wouldn't go because I don't think the children will get any attention from her.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 08/02/2020 08:22

Definitely decline and tell her why. When I first read your post I wondered what country you were planning to take them where this might be considered acceptable, because no way is it normal in British culture.

She’s clearly not interested In seeing the children or charging for the privilege wouldn’t even enter her head. You’d think that she’d be embarrassed that her arsehole son had bailed at the last minute and perhaps want to make up for it by rolling out the red carpet, if anything. Tell her to stick it, and don’t find somewhere else to stay nearby so she can see the kids some of the time, why even bother? Her loss.

Mulhollandmagoo · 08/02/2020 08:26

Surely in cancelling this holiday he's gone against the court order himself?

I understand you're worried about court proceedings due to your previous experience, but it won't be that bad this time, if all you want to do is be able to take them abroad! Write down a comprehensive list of the contact missed and holidays missed by your ex partner and go see a solicitor!!

katewhinesalot · 08/02/2020 08:30

Nah, why would you even want to facilitate a relationship with a GM who cares so little for her GC that she charges their mother?

Take them somewhere else you would like to go. It's as rude in the UK as it would be in your own country.

katewhinesalot · 08/02/2020 08:32

And I agree if he isn't sticking to the court order then it's ok for you to apply for a variance in it. Keep proof that him canceling visits means that you can't even go home when he is supposed to have them.

Whatsername177 · 08/02/2020 08:36

I'm sorry your ex is such an arse. I'm really sorry for your kids - their dad is treating them appallingly and their grandma isnt much better. In your shoes, I would politely advise that you are unable to come due to the cost implications. If she responds offering you a further discount or offering to cover meals, that means she wants you to come. If she accepts your decline with an 'ah well' then you know she doesn't. Good luck - you sound lovely and much more rational and kind than I would be.

TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig · 08/02/2020 08:42

Tell her it doesn't work for you.
Somewhere will have a space in a holiday club, even for odd days. Save your annual leave for when they are ill. And if she pushes back and reduces her price, tell her that as a single parent you don't have the annual leave to cover yet another school holiday.

spanieleyes · 08/02/2020 08:43

My grandparents were invited to stay with my aunt and uncle for the weekend ( they ran a B and B) . No charge for the weekend but Grandad fell ill and they stayed an extra two days whilst he recovered, they then received a bill for the 2 days as they had "outstayed their welcome"
They never went again and I suggest you do the same!

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/02/2020 08:46

God, I love Mumsnet sometimes.

Making your MiL stay in a hotel when she comes to see you = totally fine.

MiL making you stay in a B&B when she comes to see you = terrible!

OP I think its outrageous but then again I dont make DH's family stay in paid accommodation when they visit either.

crosspelican · 08/02/2020 08:46

Keep proof that him canceling visits means that you can't even go home when he is supposed to have them.

I think that is very relevant - it is controlling in itself.

As for the grandmother, you really need have no qualms about saying no. Your children don't benefit by seeing a woman with whom they have no relationship, and will have no relationship in the future. They will not have a fun half term with her. I am very sorry that your own trip home has been cancelled by your ex's irresponsible attitude - you are being positively saintly in your reaction.

"Dear [exMIL],

Thank you for your unexpected offer of a discounted rate for Child A and Child B to stay with you over half term in the absence of [ex]. I am still learning so much about British culture!

Sadly, what you suggest is not possible.

Best,

Swan

Let her read into that what she will.

picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 08/02/2020 08:53

What do you want to do? I it were me and I wanted the DC to meet their grandmother I'd go for a couple of days but not a week.

dognamedspot · 08/02/2020 08:57

"Making your MiL stay in a hotel when she comes to see you = totally fine.

MiL making you stay in a B&B when she comes to see you = terrible!

OP I think its outrageous but then again I dont make DH's family stay in paid accommodation when they visit either."

Isn't the difference that this is MiL's B+B and therefore she's charging the grandchildren and parent to stay in her home? If you follow the principle above then fine, but book into accommodation of your choice, which will surely be cheaper than £700.