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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to spend a holiday at the grandmother's B&B?

189 replies

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 06:47

So, an ex-MIL. She had invited her grandchildren to spend the half term at her house. The father of the children, her son, voluntarily has limited contact and lives overseas. Ex-MIL is retired and running a B&B in her house in a remote area which does not seem to be a financial success and is rarely booked. But the house itself is nice and the area is quite picturesque, but not touristic. It will be the first time she will see one of the children, and she hasn't seen the older DC since they were a baby (both are young primary age).
Now it turns out that the father made other plans for the half term and cannot spend it with the children anymore. So the ex-MIL had sent an email to the mother of the children confirming that they are still welcome to visit her as she appreciates that making alternative holiday plans at such a short notice may be difficult, but she now would expect them to pay for the accommodation at her B&B. "Mates rates", but still in excess of £100 / day.
AIBU to think this is a "fuck off and don't even think of turning up here"?

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 08/02/2020 13:34

And why shouldnt OP be annoyed at having to change her plans & then have to pay for it???

makingmammaries · 08/02/2020 13:51

OP, please have confidence in yourself and do not feel obliged to pay for the privilege of visiting the GM.
Your home country sounds a lot like my second country. In which case I am sorry that you have this stupid, short-sighted travel ban, because it is a wonderful place for children to visit and be spoiled by their extended family who, as you say, wouldn’t be seen dead charging grandchildren or any other relatives to stay.

melj1213 · 08/02/2020 14:09

As someone who lives in the Lakes, I would suggest you find another place to stay nearby your ex MILs (theres places like the Whitewater Hotel, which is a beautiful 4* hotel I have personally stayed in and love that is only charging just over £100 a night)

That way your exMIL can see your DC but you also have your independence- eg one day they could go out with exMIL and you can have a spa day. That way she can see the DC but you dont have to stay with her, and can choose to stay somewhere else. Then you'll be able to see if she wants to see the kids or just wants to keep her half term booking.

Pretenditsaplan · 08/02/2020 14:16

One thing i will point out is if that week was agreed as "dad" time its up tl him to sort out suitable childcare etc. Just because hes opted put diesnt mean he can dump it all on you. Id be telling him he has to pay his mothers fees as youve already lost out on the money you spent on flights and things which now cant be used. The kids still see her and the place hes bigged up but at least your not paying for the privilege.

Inertia · 08/02/2020 14:45

I think there are two issues here.

The first is the "holiday"- as others have pointed out, it is really not common in British culture to insist your grandchildren come to visit you and then charge you for the privilege. If you don't want to disappoint the children, tell them that their father has cancelled the holiday he planned with them, and then offer them some alternatives that you'd be willing to take them to.

The bigger issue is that the father seems to be ignoring the court order with impunity, yet you are tied to it. Are you keeping a record of all of the times when he reneges on arrangements made under the court order?

I would consider putting all of your communications with him into email form, so that you have a record of all the times he's breached the agreement. I'd start by emailing him about this one (Dear Keith, I am writing to check that you are taking the children for 4 days in the half term holiday as per our court agreement, which days will you be taking the children?). You don't need to think about going back to court immediately, but you're saving up a record of his breaches so that if you ever want to (for example) take the children to your home country, you have proof that he has repeatedly disregarded the court order.

Durgasarrow · 08/02/2020 15:16

I would rather make a bonfire of my cash than stay there.

Mistystar99 · 08/02/2020 22:18

Sounds dreadful. I wouldn't do it!

StoneofDestiny · 09/02/2020 17:49

No way would I go. The attitude of a relative charging their own grandchildren to visit them stinks. The father hasn't fallen far from the tree!
Grim.

jackie2669 · 09/02/2020 18:23

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for the grandmother . She has not made any effort at all with grandchildren where as lots of grandparents are desperate to see grandchildren in these kind of events.I would say no , if she wanted to see them she could of made plenty of effort to visit .I've never known a grandparent to charge just because the father isn't going .

skyblu · 09/02/2020 18:33

No, sorry, that’s not on. If I was mother of the children I would make alternative arrangements for myself & the children now.
No way on earth would I be PAYING for my kids to see their grandmother in her own house.
She’s treating it like a business transaction now, that just do happens to be people she knows, instead of it being an opportunity to spend some quality time with HER grandchildren.

HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 18:33

Fuck that. It's outrageous to charge your own grandchildren for visiting you.

I'd leave it to ex to deal with.

Mix56 · 09/02/2020 18:43

They can have a relationship with their GM, on his time

RachandO · 09/02/2020 18:53

I would say fcuk that and make different plans with the kids. What a cheek!

Nearly47 · 09/02/2020 19:01

This woman has no interest in your children. She is trying to cash in on your need for the children to have contact with their grandparents. You have no idea how she will treat you and your children. It might be horrible & traumatic. Maybe invite her over to your home for a couple of days to see if she would make the effort to travel to see the children. Some people are simply not good. Accept that and don't go. You are enough for your children.

Likefootball · 09/02/2020 19:35

What sort of woman even thinks of charging her grandchildren?YANBU OP.

DNR · 09/02/2020 19:37

She sounds like a wicked old bitch they would be better off without. If money isn't too much of an issue, it could be worth going just to let her see just how wrong she is. The most suspicious, (possibly racist?????) old cow might be very pleasantly surprised to find her grand children are actually lovely people. May be a case of re educating her Op. I'm quite old and it wasnt until I moved to an area with people where I mixed with people from everywhere that I realised how unfounded my parents' fears were.

FelicisNox · 09/02/2020 20:09

YANBU...... just when I think I've heard it all!

  1. they're her grandchildren who she hasn't spent any time with.

  2. it's not the mother's fault the father is a flake.

I think the grandmother did this on purpose and doesn't want the hassle of looking after the kids on her own and is deliberately putting the mother off.

Don't send the kids. Don't feel guilty. Go on holiday together elsewhere.

Lovely13 · 09/02/2020 20:56

Sounds an unhealthy situation to get into with young children. Spend the money on a different trip. Hope you have fun.

Lovebeingmama · 09/02/2020 21:13

OMG No!
Disinterest from the grandparents, suddenly remember they have grandkids and expect you to pay for the privilege of them having contact. CF!

Hockeyboysmum · 09/02/2020 21:20

Not a chance in hell would I go. A week with ex mil sounds torture.

DreamTheMoors · 09/02/2020 21:46

@SympatheticSwan

The children’s granny is punishing you with “kindness”. Don’t fall for it.
Simply say: “Upon reflection, the children have decided to go to ‘fill in the blank’ for their time off, but we thank you for your offer. Maybe next year, when we have more flexibility and funds.
Swan

tierdytierd · 09/02/2020 22:18

You sound lovely and are exploring lots of avenues to ensure your children don’t feel so let down by their whimsical eyes father and no existent gran, so much so you’d forego a few days of feeling unwelcome And unrespected by selfishgran so that your children have the opportunity to fo their own opinions of a woman who has shown little to no interest so far.
If it were me in your situation I’d find somewhere lovely and have some adventures and memorable quality time with your children. You’re the consistent selfless mum, you get to decide how you spend yours and their holidays together. They don’t get to cancel and then dictate terms for your kids, your time and your cash
I have memories of my parents telling me if I wanted to see my grandparents, I could (they didn’t bother with us at all) i don’t blame my parents for that one bit. Enjoy a holiday with your children

GeorgiaLove · 09/02/2020 22:47

I'd not give her email the dignity of a response; if she's at all bothered (I suspect not), then she'll phone. At which point you can tell her to fuck off. Her son sounds like a right fucking dick as well.

PrinnyPree · 09/02/2020 23:39

If I ended up going and being charged she would certainly be getting an airbnb and tripadvisor review off me afterwards. 😉

Merryweather80 · 10/02/2020 09:34

It's up to your ex to facilitate visits to his family on his time. He's cancelled therefore do what you want. Explain to the children that he cancelled.
Your idea of the steam train and Eden project sound much more appealing.
It's definitely not usual to charge family to stay regardless of it being a business or not.
My court order puts all the balls in dad's court too. It's bloody annoying. Father's seem to have more rights than the mothers these days. Then they don't stick to the agreement, makes it difficult for you and the children.
You have my sympathies x