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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying to spend a holiday at the grandmother's B&B?

189 replies

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 06:47

So, an ex-MIL. She had invited her grandchildren to spend the half term at her house. The father of the children, her son, voluntarily has limited contact and lives overseas. Ex-MIL is retired and running a B&B in her house in a remote area which does not seem to be a financial success and is rarely booked. But the house itself is nice and the area is quite picturesque, but not touristic. It will be the first time she will see one of the children, and she hasn't seen the older DC since they were a baby (both are young primary age).
Now it turns out that the father made other plans for the half term and cannot spend it with the children anymore. So the ex-MIL had sent an email to the mother of the children confirming that they are still welcome to visit her as she appreciates that making alternative holiday plans at such a short notice may be difficult, but she now would expect them to pay for the accommodation at her B&B. "Mates rates", but still in excess of £100 / day.
AIBU to think this is a "fuck off and don't even think of turning up here"?

OP posts:

poopbear · 08/02/2020 07:32

Hang on a minute. Who said you can’t take the kids abroad? You said the father lives abroad??? So if it’s ok for him why isn’t it ok for you? The general rule is that you can take the kids overseas as long as it’s not longer than a certain time period. I can’t remember how long. You need a good solicitor! Nobody is going to stop you taking the kids on holiday especially if their dad is overseas anyway!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/02/2020 07:33

Crappy that ex has messed you about so you now have to take annual leave in the holidays.

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:34

@Sparkletastic
Haven't decided yet. I obviously won't go if we're not welcome. If we are welcome but there's just an expectations that we need to pay as usual customers, I can swallow this. It would be completely unacceptable in my own culture (probably resulting in no contact) but it seems to be much more acceptable in the UK, and I am not sure where this socially acceptable / unacceptable line is.
She is the only family they have outside of me and their father (who has very sporadic disneyland contact), it would probably be a shame not to try. My own family is far away and all contact is digital only, so it is not like they are showered with granny attention.

OP posts:

Nanna50 · 08/02/2020 07:36

So she hasn’t seen the children for 4 years or more (if she hasn’t met the youngest)? How often does their father see them?

Were you relying on this arrangement for half term childcare?

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:37

@poopbear
The child arrangement order says I cannot, it was a judgment on this specific issue. The father is afraid I would abduct them abroad . But this is not very relevant to the issue.

OP posts:

Nanna50 · 08/02/2020 07:37

Can the father not pay saying as he is the one who has changed arrangements?

Were you even comfortable with them going in the first place, as it seems as though they are virtual strangers.

Saddler · 08/02/2020 07:38

'No we'll leave it thanks, the rooms will be free to charge the full rate then and you won't miss out. Thanks anyway'

That would be my reply, cheeky bitch

SebastienCrabSauce · 08/02/2020 07:39

@SympatheticSwan I don’t know where you’re from but NO it most definitely is not part of British culture to charge your own grandchildren to stay with you.
Absolutely not.
And I can assure you most people would consider cutting contact because of that request.

AuntieStella · 08/02/2020 07:40

I guess it reflects that she does not see you as family, and so she's not treating you as such.

Do you think the DC would like the holiday? If you can arrange something else, then perhaps best to do that, and let times there be with their father and his mother. And it wouid be easy to word a polite and friendly 'thanks and no thanks' response along those lines

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:40

Were you relying on this arrangement for half term childcare?
Of course, as probably anyone would, no? I had booked a holiday for myself back to my home country too, planned to catch up with old uni friends and to have some dental / medical checks done, ah well now.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 08/02/2020 07:43

I don’t think it’s normal at all in uk culture for a grandparent to charge for their grandchildren to visit even if they are running a b&b.

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:43

How often does their father see them?
No regularity here, so hard to say. From every weekend sometimes (for a couple of hours) to once a quarter.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 08/02/2020 07:44

If the b&b isn’t normally full she can’t even argue that you would be taking money away from her due to not being able to accept paying guests.

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2020 07:45

No it is not culturally acceptable in the UK. I also think it is highly unlikely that the DCs will be showered with granny attention if she hasn't bothered up until now and has made no effort to see them where they live. You say the B&B is somewhere remote and not very touristy. I'm sure you could find a better break than this or just stay at home and spend the money on lots of great days out. I fear you and the DCs will not have a great half term otherwise and you will be trapped in this woman's house feeling resentful about her charging you for the 'pleasure' of her home and company.

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:46

I guess it reflects that she does not see you as family, and so she's not treating you as such.
If I am honest, there is no reason for her to treat me as a part of the family. She has seen me under ten times in total, I think, and even when we were married and I was outearning exH she still used to have this fear that I am a gold digger after their family's money (of which there are none).

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 08/02/2020 07:46

no way would I go and stay with ex mil and be beholding to them at mates rates

It’ll be expected again when her dis lets her down

I’d possible arrange to stay nearby for a couple of nights and facilitate meeting

As for being prevented from taking dc on holiday abroad, that needs sorting. Totally unreasonable to prevent family holidays in other countries

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:48

You say the B&B is somewhere remote and not very touristy.
Maybe I was unfair, it is around 30 minutes drive to Lake District. So not the arse of the world, but probably on the boundary of the tourist zone.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 08/02/2020 07:50

If she really wants to see her gc she wouldn’t charge. Did your ex know you were planning to go home? Is this a control issue? Your ex is effectively stopping contact with your family when he and his family is not overly interested . I’d go back to court

AlwaysCheddar · 08/02/2020 07:52

Why on earth would you pay to go?? Just why!

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2020 07:55

Take it from me, the Lake District in wet and cold weather does not make for a great holiday.

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:55

Did your ex know you were planning to go home?
No, of course not, we're not in close touch anymore (I even very vaguely know where he is located now).
Courts are probably not an option, the previous litigation took almost three years, I dread going through it again (financially as well as mentally).

OP posts:

Happydaysareheretostaywayhay · 08/02/2020 07:55

Sod that! No way is that acceptable. I would stay home and do some nice days out.

I’d also be getting back to court to allow you to go overseas with them to see your family, it’s outrageous that you can’t!

Happydaysareheretostaywayhay · 08/02/2020 07:56

Oh sorry, cross post but so angry on your behalf that he has this control over you x

Medievalist · 08/02/2020 07:57

It's absolutely not normal to charge family to stay.

I can't believe you would leave primary school children with a virtual stranger - family or not - and travel abroad?

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 07:58

I can't believe you would leave primary school children with a virtual stranger - family or not - and travel abroad?
It's their dad... and he has a holy court given right for half all the holidays, it is not even as if I can do anything about it.

OP posts:

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