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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to spend a holiday at the grandmother's B&B?

189 replies

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 06:47

So, an ex-MIL. She had invited her grandchildren to spend the half term at her house. The father of the children, her son, voluntarily has limited contact and lives overseas. Ex-MIL is retired and running a B&B in her house in a remote area which does not seem to be a financial success and is rarely booked. But the house itself is nice and the area is quite picturesque, but not touristic. It will be the first time she will see one of the children, and she hasn't seen the older DC since they were a baby (both are young primary age).
Now it turns out that the father made other plans for the half term and cannot spend it with the children anymore. So the ex-MIL had sent an email to the mother of the children confirming that they are still welcome to visit her as she appreciates that making alternative holiday plans at such a short notice may be difficult, but she now would expect them to pay for the accommodation at her B&B. "Mates rates", but still in excess of £100 / day.
AIBU to think this is a "fuck off and don't even think of turning up here"?

OP posts:
Letthemysterybe · 08/02/2020 09:54

I find your posts very confusing.

You say that you weren’t a gold digger as giant family had no money, but also say that she is quite wealthy with lots of property.

You say that you have the week off work so you aren’t now planning on dumping the children in someone they don’t know, but also say it’s this trip or the holiday clubs.

You say that this behaviour would result in no contact in your own culture, but you seem ready to accept it here despite the many, many posts encouraging you otherwise.

You seem mostly pissed off about having to use up your annual leave plus unpaid leave to look after your children at half term, rather than being concerned about your children’s family treating them like shit!

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2020 09:56

You do rather seem to have made your mind up. Hope it goes well.

cheesewitheverything · 08/02/2020 10:02

On balance, I'd be inclined to go on the holiday if you can afford it okay. 100 quid a day isnt too bad really for a nice place for a family and she might be a good ally and friend. If you don't go, you are cutting her off and you'll never find out and the dc will at least have met their gran.

Original poster
SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 10:04

You say that you weren’t a gold digger as giant family had no money, but also say that she is quite wealthy with lots of property.
I am not a gold digger. Ex did not have any money and still does not, his mother (and late father) has some assets. Not millionaire level, but not poor either (as I was accused earlier on the thread of trying to save childcare costs at the expense of struggling MIL). But I thought gold digging is targeting men, not their mothers, no?

I don't know what I will do now as I have received an message about ex not being able to spend time with them only yesterday around lunch time, (mil cc-ed in), followed by a reply from MIL late night, which I only saw in the morning. Haven't booked any leave yet and checked only two local holiday clubs.
I just know I used to overreact to things like charging children for Christmas dinner, paying parents for childcare etc before, so thread carefully around such issues now.

I am pissed having to use up the rest of my leave from work at such as short notice, it is true. A day + a day wfh was already booked as I planned to go back home for a long weekend, so it is not as bad, but still annoying.

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 08/02/2020 10:11

I wouldn't pay to go to Christmas dinner, or pay my mum to look after my kids or pay their grandmother to have the family to stay in her B and B. None of these are the 'norm' in the UK. There might be the odd exception, such as paying a parent if they gave up their job to look after littlies, but really, most people still have a reasonably strong sense of family and don't charge each other for this stuff.

Billben · 08/02/2020 10:16

I wouldn’t go.

mummmy2017 · 08/02/2020 10:20

Ok, you send this message back.
Hi thanks for the email.
I feel this holiday was set up by ex, and although he now can't come, since this is part of his time with with his family, he should be the one to cover the holiday expenses.
I am willing to step in and stay with the children, and feel the amount your charging for accommodation is fair for ex to pay.
If ex decides to accept your offer let us know.
Children's mother.

Love51 · 08/02/2020 10:23

I'd file this under not my circus, not my monkeys. Dad has cancelled on you kids, sorry. But, I've booked some leave, so it's 2 days in holiday club and some awesome outings on the other days (or, I've got the week off, shall we go to X, y &z?). Basically do what you want with the holidays, but take this out of the equation completely. It isn't like you want to develop a relationship with this strange woman. She's probably a bit wary of you too.

Medievalist · 08/02/2020 10:30

Ok, you send this message back.
Hi thanks for the email.
I feel this holiday was set up by ex, and although he now can't come, since this is part of his time with with his family, he should be the one to cover the holiday expenses.
I am willing to step in and stay with the children, and feel the amount your charging for accommodation is fair for ex to pay.
If ex decides to accept your offer let us know.
Children's mother.

^^ This

Clymene · 08/02/2020 10:31

Well if your ex has described it as a magical place, then he can take them there can't he? It's a horrible inconvenience for you but your children's disappointment has been caused by him, not you.

I'd take them somewhere else for a few days. Go to Sandy Balls or something.

Gamble66 · 08/02/2020 10:33

And in a neutral tone let your kids know that it's thier dad who has cancelled and they must ask him why they can no longer visit.

crosspelican · 08/02/2020 10:36

If your ex has bigged it up as a magical place that he grew up in, then it is HIS responsibility not to disappoint them, not yours.

Lostkeyagain · 08/02/2020 10:36

“Thank you, we won’t be coming.”

DangerMouse17 · 08/02/2020 10:36

I see okay OP. If that's the courts decision then understand but I think you not being allowed at all to take the kids abroad anywhere for a holiday is pretty poor and not in the children's interests.

CecilyP · 08/02/2020 10:41

^I feel this holiday was set up by ex, and although he now can't come, since this is part of his time with with his family, he should be the one to cover the holiday expenses.
I am willing to step in and stay with the children, and feel the amount your charging for accommodation is fair for ex to pay.
If ex decides to accept your offer let us know.
Children's mother.^

Absolutely this! If the trip was already arranged with their DF taking them, she was either charging him or was willing to forgo the income she could receive from letting the accommodation to anyone else.

The reality is for all his chat about his wonderful childhood home, he has not taken his children to visit in 5 years. This year he seems to have made an arrangement but he is still not doing so, but you are now expected to do so and pay for the privilege!

OP, I think this awful family is giving you a very skewed impression of British culture!

RandomMess · 08/02/2020 10:42

I would just reply "I don't have the annual leave to bring them for a week nor £700. I have already incurred costs by having to cancel the plans I did have"

His Mum doesn't sound interested in building a relationship with the DC otherwise it would be more, would you be able to bring the DC still, I would like to get to know them as the focus.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/02/2020 10:43

No. Not right at all.
So she wasn't going to charge her son to stay with his DC but because it's her ex-DIL bringing the DC (because they can't come on their own and feckless spermdonor has "made other plans") she wants to charge her? No.
Fuck off.

Go somewhere else instead and she can whistle for the visit, wait until her feckless son can be arsed to come over and see his own kids.

Original poster
SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 10:48

So she wasn't going to charge her son to stay with his DC
I don't know this, actually. Thinking of this (as a couple of posters asked), it could very well be that she asked him to pay and he decided to not come then. Very likely, in fact, it is 100% consistent with his personality.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 08/02/2020 10:54

So send the email, accepting the costs on his behalf.
Granny will either laugh her socks off and admit he won't pay and give you one of two answers.
1 My son won't pay either don't come.
2 I want to see Grandchildren, we will cover costs.

Original poster
SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 10:56

Thank you all for the responses, it did help me to clear my mind. I probably will take a couple of days off and we'll go somewhere borderline "magical" for it not to be a massive disappointment. Maybe we'll do that steam train in Scotland or the Eden project.

OP posts:
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 08/02/2020 11:00

That sounds like a much better plan, OP.

MissEliza · 08/02/2020 11:04

It seems to be much more acceptable in the UK. No it is not. Why do you keep making digs about British culture Op?

Elderflowerasusualthxs · 08/02/2020 11:10

Do not go! Horrible horrible grandmother!

Notwiththeseknees · 08/02/2020 11:12

I have an AirBnB in a highly sought after area and never, ever would I charge my family to stay there (and even when it is peak season they stay for free). They are my family! It really isn't acceptable OP so don't think she is doing you a favour.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/02/2020 11:14

I don’t know where you’re from but NO it most definitely is not part of British culture to charge your own grandchildren to stay with you.
Absolutely not.
And I can assure you most people would consider cutting contact because of that request

What Swan has said.

This is disgusting! You - or at least your children - are her family. A "thank you" in the form of taking her out for a meal/ day at the zoo/ whatever - yes, or contributing to the cost of feeding them - but £100/day? Jog on! Especially when it involves you losing wages as well as paying for the privilege of letting her meet her grandchildren. What a greedy CF she is!

I fnecessary have a holiday at home with pic-nic days out, or visits to zealand/ local parks/ farms etc - there'll be something, even if you don't manage to get way.

She's appalling!