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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying to spend a holiday at the grandmother's B&B?

189 replies

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 06:47

So, an ex-MIL. She had invited her grandchildren to spend the half term at her house. The father of the children, her son, voluntarily has limited contact and lives overseas. Ex-MIL is retired and running a B&B in her house in a remote area which does not seem to be a financial success and is rarely booked. But the house itself is nice and the area is quite picturesque, but not touristic. It will be the first time she will see one of the children, and she hasn't seen the older DC since they were a baby (both are young primary age).
Now it turns out that the father made other plans for the half term and cannot spend it with the children anymore. So the ex-MIL had sent an email to the mother of the children confirming that they are still welcome to visit her as she appreciates that making alternative holiday plans at such a short notice may be difficult, but she now would expect them to pay for the accommodation at her B&B. "Mates rates", but still in excess of £100 / day.
AIBU to think this is a "fuck off and don't even think of turning up here"?

OP posts:

peridito · 08/02/2020 09:02

Mmm ,tricky . I think I'd go for a long weekend - explain re leave - to explore notion of contact between grandmother and children ,give grandmother benefit of the doubt . I'd be inclined to offer a contribution towards costs depending on what is made available - meals wise ,outings .

ippdipdo · 08/02/2020 09:07

She's being a CF. Yes, you are getting a holiday but how much of a holiday is going to stay with your ex-MIL? It's not a holiday I'd be prepared to pay a single penny for.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/02/2020 09:13

Well,
You have to consider that GMs house is a business, a B&B. So those rooms are not spare bedrooms for guests. It’s not entirely her home. The aB&B is her means of income. If she puts relatives in there for free she not only incurs extra costs but loses business income.

If I were visiting my mother who had and lived in a B&B, I’d expect to arrange my own accommodation offsite or stay at her aB&B and pay a discount family rate to at least cover her costs as she would have lost income by putting us up instead of paying guests. I would not think it my right to visit her for a week and cause her to lose a weeks income.

recycledbottle · 08/02/2020 09:13

How do your children see your extended family if they are banned from travel? I wouldn't for a second entertain this idea. Why should you pay to spend all your time with someone who has never been nice to you and makes zero effort with your children. And then paying for the "pleasure". I can see you are a very reasonable person and want your children to have a relationship with their GM but that should be for your ex DH to sort. The most I would do is be flexible about a later week that exdh can take with his mother in lieu of this cancelled one.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/02/2020 09:21

How many B&B rooms is she offering at £100/day? You never say how many children are involved......
How does it compare to her full business B&B rates? You do know that half term is a holiday break and therefore she would be more likely to having bookings?

I think she is trying to rescue the GCs visiting now that no adult will be able to accompany the children on the visit. I feel like the parents are also using the GM for half term child care. So in that regard it’s not CF to ask to have the lost income/costs you’d incur by caring for GCs and accommodating them to be reimbursed somehow. Child care for half term for even two children would be at least £700 and that’s without in residence accommodation and full board, 24/7.

RandomMess · 08/02/2020 09:22

Don't go!!

I think it is worth self repping and go back to court to get the order lifted. You can't even take the DC to visit their father!!!!

You can say you are happy to provide evidence to ex and the court that every trip has return tickets etc. You also now have tonnes of evidence that he isn't interested in contact with the DC and is denying the DC any contact with extended family.

Can you pay for a family member or two to visit and stay with you instead???

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 09:23

The aB&B is her means of income. If she puts relatives in there for free she not only incurs extra costs but loses business income.
She is reasonably wealthy (or used to be at least), has a couple of other properties she rent out, including a couple of flats in the London commuter belt, please don't think that it is an evil plan from my side to free load at the old woman's expense.
I guess another motivation is that I cannot face to tell the children that they cannot go. Their father had painted to them their childhood home as some sort of a magic fairyland, with ponies and tree houses, and their grandmother as the best and kindest person ever. They don't have any family they know so were quite excited about the trip. And now I will be the evil parent to tell them they are not going and like nope, off to the holiday club you go.

OP posts:

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 09:24

How many B&B rooms is she offering at £100/day?
It is a wing in her house, two rooms, kitchen and a bathroom.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/02/2020 09:26

I'd decline. If it was a much-loved grandparent in financial difficulties I'd turn up with a week's worth of food and pay for some trips out - and I would still have change from the 'mates rates' option.

Plenty of places you can have a break with small children on your budget. Have a look at a city break or AirBnB and leave her to it.

RandomMess · 08/02/2020 09:26

Well actually you just tell the DC that Daddy has cancelled and perhaps he will take them another time...

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 09:27

I feel like the parents are also using the GM for half term child care.
Absolutely not in the slightest my intention at all. I booked my own time off as it was agreed a couple of month in advance that the children will spend this time with the father. Now obviously it is cancelled, I am not planning to just dump the children on someone they don't know.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2020 09:29

Bloody hell, no, I would not be going if I had to,pay. Surely somewhere like a Centre Parcs would be more suitable? And given the shitty level of contact the father has, I’d going straight back to court re the travel restrictions. He’s got a bloody cheek preventing you from taking the dc to see your family back home.

RandomMess · 08/02/2020 09:29

Your Ex seems like a complete dick and I wonder how far the Apple has fallen from the tree...

Honestly his Mum doesn't seem interested in a relationship with them and I'm sure you could spend £700 on something better for your DC - like court fees!

slipperywhensparticus · 08/02/2020 09:30

Have you looked on her website to see what she usually charges guests

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 09:32

Have you looked on her website to see what she usually charges guests
Yes, I am nosy like that. She does offer around 20%-25% discount.

OP posts:

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 09:36

Guys, returning to the court is not an option until the children are old enough for their views to be taken into account - it was the consensus between my barrister and solicitor at the recent litigation. A foreign mother with zero ties to the UK and small British children will always be perceived by the court as a flight risk.

OP posts:

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/02/2020 09:40

So get back to her and tell her you cant afford it. Tell your kids "sorry, dad cancelled" (it is shit for them but they are going to find out what sort of man he is at some point). Then go back to court.

Apolloanddaphne · 08/02/2020 09:40

She is being very cheeky. Also how does your ex get to play fast and loose with the court made arrangements and you have oi toe the line? He is getting everything his way and in the end it it the DC who are paying the price for having a feckless DF.

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/02/2020 09:40

Sorry, x post

DangerMouse17 · 08/02/2020 09:40

But you say HE lives abroad most of the time anyway? The kids pretty much have zero ties to the UK as of now too..no real family to speak of and family overseas on your side that may be more active in their lives. I'd be going back to court and trying...

RandomMess · 08/02/2020 09:40

I wonder if in the future you can do one off applications to take the DC on holiday abroad just in Europe, with out unpredictable weather it seems unfair you can't take them on a beach holiday assuming you could afford it!!

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/02/2020 09:41

I think you should save up a few issues before you face court. If he often cancels holiday plans and leaves you in a mess then a few years of evidence gives you a good case for changing that.

It's sad about not being able to visit your family, I hope they can come and see you sometimes.

Branleuse · 08/02/2020 09:43

I wouldnt stay with her on principle for that

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 08/02/2020 09:45

But as I understand it, your ex doesn’t even live in this country - what would you be a flight risk from??

Original poster

SympatheticSwan · 08/02/2020 09:46

@DangerMouse17
The decision is taken based on the overall interests of the child. It was decided when dad was already living as a digital nomad, the contact was not the deciding issue here, but rather that my home country is, ahem, "developing".

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