Paying to spend a holiday at the grandmother's B&B?

[SympatheticSwan]

So, an ex-MIL. She had invited her grandchildren to spend the half term at her house. The father of the children, her son, voluntarily has limited contact and lives overseas. Ex-MIL is retired and running a B&B in her house in a remote area which does not seem to be a financial success and is rarely booked. But the house itself is nice and the area is quite picturesque, but not touristic. It will be the first time she will see one of the children, and she hasn't seen the older DC since they were a baby (both are young primary age).
Now it turns out that the father made other plans for the half term and cannot spend it with the children anymore. So the ex-MIL had sent an email to the mother of the children confirming that they are still welcome to visit her as she appreciates that making alternative holiday plans at such a short notice may be difficult, but she now would expect them to pay for the accommodation at her B&B. "Mates rates", but still in excess of £100 / day.
AIBU to think this is a "fuck off and don't even think of turning up here"?

Bold fail - apologies.

@SympatheticSwan No WAY. I would only pay THAT price if it was central London. (Even then I would be looking for a cheaper alternative like Travelodge!)

Who the eff charges their own family? People who don't care much for that particular member (or part of) that family.

There's your answer.

Why do you keep making digs about British culture Op?
Not my intention at all. I just go by my observations - there's a thread on the same page asking how much rent to charge to a grown up child and people seem to generally agree that it is a good thing - it is a bit hair-raising for me due to my own cultural bias and my own parents would probably sell a kidney before charging any of their children rent. But I accept that there is more than one way to look at things (and not being judgemental of any of them) and, believe me, there are massive downsides to the "family above all" patriarchal culture as well.

It would be a flat NO mainly because she hasn't bothered about her GC for years. The second reason would be for charging her gc, these are not adults but small children. So effectively charging you. Just not ok.
I wouldn't bother explaining any of this.Just a no thanks should do.
Shes an ex to you, and a name only 'gp' to your dc- she deserves nothing more.

And TBH - if she's in the Lake District and she's not making money, she's doing something very wrong. It's a very popular area.

"there's a thread on the same page asking how much rent to charge to a grown up child and people seem to generally agree that it is a good thing"

In my experience cultures that don't see us all as individuals, put an awful lot of pressure and expectation on their children, especially as the parents age. What seems kinder, ultimately carries a greater burden.

Your children's GM is out of order. If you're going to spend money elsewhere and not challenge things in court, then I think that you should go.

I'm a second generation immigrant. My Mother never kept in touch with the relatives that I did have in the UK and it's something that I resented her for. It isn't nice growing up feeling like you have no blood ties in the country that you are in.

I'd go, see how things are and then make your decisions whether to keep in touch.

It is however on his "watch" if he can't sort it out he is resposable for organising an alternative & paying for it.
You should not be out of pocket, nor lose your days holiday, nor lose money if you have a flight cancelled

As someone who used to own a B&B I never charged family. It's not a cultural norm in the UK to charge family at all! We'd have the whole clan up (up to 20 people) to our very touristy place and fill our 5 guest rooms. The only thing we'd do is all pitch in for a big food shop so my costs weren't huge.
Yes family shouldn't be a financial burden and we couldn't afford to turn away guests too often but no way would I charge to see my grandchildren, especially if I wasn't needing to turn away paying guests to host family. And "mates rates" is not £100 a night! It's a token amount to cover costs. That's all. Maybe £25 a day?

OP please say no. And tell her for £100 a day you can go on a real holiday and not line the pockets of grandparents pretending to finally give a shit about seeing her grandchildren.

Just to confirm that it is not normal in the UK to charge family to stay even if you do run a B&B. I know we Brits can be less generous than some nations but most of us are alright really

If she had offered to have you come with the DC and not charged you, it sounds like you would've happily gone and let her get to know the DC.

It is out of order to expect you to pay, and to me this shows her priority is not seeing the children at all.

You don't need to actively seek a relationship with someone like this for your children, regardless of whether she's their only other family member in the country. She's a bit shit and rather self serving.

I'd politely decline and take the kids somewhere else instead. And make it clear she is welcome to come and visit them anytime if she would like to get to know them (and stay in a B&B of course )

Just one small question, the wing she is offering with its own kitchen: does this mean it's self catering too? Would she be providing the breakfasts and other meals or would you have to do a food shop as well?

I mean this nicely, but the OP is allowed to not like certain aspects of the British culture even if she is an immigrant.

As a fellow settled immigrant, I'm perfectly happy here and have no intention of leaving, however that doesn't mean the UK is some sort of utopia where I like absolutely everything .

Regarding the OP, I wouldn't go as it sounds like it could be awkward. And even if she turned around and suddenly demanded payment from her son, if he were an even slightly decent parent, he'd look at alternatives and not just say, oh well, see you next time!

I'm a second generation immigrant. My Mother never kept in touch with the relatives that I did have in the UK and it's something that I resented her for. It isn't nice growing up feeling like you have no blood ties in the country that you are in.
Yes, this summarises well how I feel about the issue (or rather what I fear).

I don't think it is at all normal for your MIL to charge you. As she hasn't seen you or the grandchildren in ages (or even met one of them I think you said) then a loving grandmother would be rolling out the red carpet wanting to build bridges and telling you how delighted they are to be able to see you and the grandchildren and how thrilled they are that you will come. They really would. They would be saddened by your estrangement.

I fear that the circumstances of them asking for money and for quite substantial money means you will find a grandparent that is not actually bothered about seeing their grandchildren but just wants to make some money or at the very least are not willing to lose money to spend time with them. Not normal at all.

What would be perfectly normal in my opinion (as people who run their own B&B need to make a living and usually have their own living quarters) would be to find yourself on a sofa/temporary bed in their private quarters - just like if you visited an ordinary house - allowing them to use their B&B rooms for paying guests.

I could not stomach paying family in this way (although I would merrily sleep on a sofa). If you really want to give the grandparents a chance I would book a much cheaper accommodation nearby like premier inn/ travel lodge (I think a couple of kids can usually have an unlimited breakfast when an adult buys one for around a tenner too). I would let the grandparents know "I have booked our own accommodation so we don't impact on your business so let me know when you are available to meet up/what you would like to do". My money would be that you barely see them so I would have ideas up your sleeve that you would like to do with your children.

If they don't invite you to dinner or want to charge you they are a lost cause.

If she had offered to have you come with the DC and not charged you, it sounds like you would've happily gone and let her get to know the DC.
Happily no, the lady in question has been quite clear that she does not consider me to be a part of her family or her son's equal from day one. But I would be prepared to try for the children's sake.
The money is not a big issue here. It is certainly not an amount I would gladly throw away on a whim, but far from unaffordable. I would not be prepared to go if it is a declaration of "come if you please, but please be aware you are coming not as a family, but as customers". I am not sure if I am explaining myself well here.

In my experience cultures that don't see us all as individuals, put an awful lot of pressure and expectation on their children, especially as the parents age. What seems kinder, ultimately carries a greater burden.*
Yes, this is very true as well.

You seem mostly pissed off about having to use up your annual leave plus unpaid leave to look after your children at half term, rather than being concerned about your children’s family treating them like shit!

Mothers are still allowed to be annoyed on their own behalf you know. You don’t have to immediately become a martyr immediately you give birth/adopt

The money is not a big issue here. It is certainly not an amount I would gladly throw away on a whim, but far from unaffordable. I would not be prepared to go if it is a declaration of "come if you please, but please be aware you are coming not as a family, but as customers". I am not sure if I am explaining myself well here

No, you are. I understand you. If the message from your ex-MIL had been along the lines of “son can’t come now but I would still really love to see the girls and start to get to know them since they are family. The offer of the accommodation is still open and if you’d like to bring them yourself they’d be very welcome - we can sort out arrangements for how things would work with regards to me seeing them while you’re all here beforehand to avoid awkwardness. The only thing is, since it is half term week I would need a contribution to the cost of the accommodation because I can’t let it out at going rate. £100 per day is what I’d agreed with son, just to offset the loss the of earnings.” Some sort of acknowledgement from her that the primary purpose of the visit is to her grandchildren (and acknowledges that things between you two aren’t straightforward) and the £100 per day is merely to offset the fact that she wouldn’t be able to let the rooms while you’re there. I.e. family first, business second. But the way she’s made it seem is as if she just wants make sure she keeps her half term booking. Has she even asked whether/when she will see the children while you’d be there? If she could do anything with them? How things would work between the two of you bearing in mind she’s by all accounts not all that keen on you?

That would be a big NOPE from me, and a 'perhaps they can try to arrange a visit when dad is available'.

I'm British and I wouldn't dignify that with a response.

I don’t know how far you are from ex-MIL. If it is practical I would go for a few days and stay elsewhere.

Their grandmother could more or less completely ignore them.

And remember her son cancelled not you. So whatever happens don’t be the one feeling bad. If their dad said it is magical, say it so special he wants to go with them. That is of course assuming he is not so flaky he will let them down again.

could not stomach paying family in this way (although I would merrily sleep on a sofa). If you really want to give the grandparents a chance I would book a much cheaper accommodation nearby like premier inn/ travel lodge (I think a couple of kids can usually have an unlimited breakfast when an adult buys one for around a tenner too). I would let the grandparents know "I have booked our own accommodation so we don't impact on your business so let me know when you are available to meet up/what you would like to do". My money would be that you barely see them so I would have ideas up your sleeve that you would like to do with your children.

This is a good suggestion.

She sounds like my (late)MIL who was very wealthy and liked anyone to know it. She would foist favours on people but almost immediately become resentful that they were getting the benefit for free.

She bought a holiday cottage in a beautiful part of wales, then insisted we go there for a weekend and then our main summer holiday. On both occasions she then tried to dictate everything. We ended up leaving a day late because she wanted us to take some curtains she was having made which weren't finished. So we wasted a day and a half of leave. Every day we were there she rang up with DIY jobs that just had to be done that day or to be told we had to stay in that day because she'd arranged for someone to come and read the meter etc.

When we got back after the 6 days we spent there in the summer she announced she was thinking of charging us. (I think we hadn't bowed and scraped enough) and I snapped back that i was thinking of charging for all the DIY, gardening and deep cleaning she had insisted on. She backed down and next time she tried to persuade us to go there for a holiday we said a firm "thanks but no thanks".

Why are people surprised that the OP is a little annoyed at having to change her plans? The children's father was having them for half term, so she didn't need childcare, how was she in any way using the GM for childcare when the father was due to have them?

If a miracle happened and my ex took my daughter away for a week I would make plans, maybe have a few days away and would be annoyed if my ex cancelled at short notice and I had to rearrange. I'm sure the OP uses pretty much all her annual leave covering school holidays like most single parents with feckless ex's do, a few spare days to do your own think is a luxury.

There's a big difference to charging your working adult kid nominal rent for living in your house & charging your ex DIL so you can see your GC for a few days! Sounds like she trying to put you off to be honest & doesn't really want you there which is so sad. Like mother like son, you'd be better off without the pair of them.